Came Out To my Post-Soviet Mom

[thechilaquil]

This has been an odd month or so.. ever since I came out to my mother. I had a complicated childhood and therefore was forced to push down and dissociate through my gender dysphoria. This has always been taken as a "sign" of it being "recent". Though my "obvious" symptoms started around when I was 12 or so, more publicly as I became 13.

I went to catholic school and because of trauma from there, after graduating middle school I began to repress my identity for almost two years after such.. and then(especially because of realizations through current political events) I realized I couldn't wait further for small promises. I began presenting again as I desired and being the man I want to see in the mirror.

This lead me to coming out to my mom mid-breakdown, initially she was super supportive, but it seems to have decreased over time. Every single time we argue over it, which she always starts, it ends with her saying "well you know you need to wait to medically transition." Well of course I know that, so there's no point in her saying it.

She has some odd opinions, strict gender norm beliefs("If you're a man, would you be willing to die at war?" as if that's a reasonable question, or "if you're such a man why can't you lift this giant box(around 50 kg or such)?" well I don't think anyone my age and weight can but okay..), the weird notion that I'm "not a man yet" but no longer a woman(which is such an odd statement since I do not identify as nonbinary, which I'm still shocked she believes in that identity considering her conservatism), and overall the idea that to "become a man" I need a full sex change.. I don't even know anymore.

It's easier than being closeted. I'm allowed to dress and present as I wish, even using male pronouns for myself, though she causes arguments sometimes over my chosen name and such. Her consistent use of propaganda sites as "proof", as false as they are- which lead to further arguments.

Is she going to get over it? I know things have been difficult for me and her, what with possibly leaving the USA(also thanks to political situations which I shall not mention) and her finally divorcing my childish excuse of a "father", but I don't know if it's something I have to wait out.

[Mrs. Oliphant]

Your mother reminds me of mine (may she rest in peace). And it sounds like you and her need to work out a few things as you move forward in your transition. But I also sense she will be there for you as go forward. I hope I'm right.

[Sarah B]

Hi thechilaquil

This has been an odd month or so..  ever since I came out to my mother.  I had a complicated childhood and therefore was forced to push down and dissociate through my gender dysphoria.  This has always been taken as a "sign" of it being "recent".  Though my "obvious" symptoms started around when I was 12 or so, more publicly as I became 13.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I want to say that it takes real strength to speak so openly about your experience.  Coming out to your mother after such a difficult childhood is incredibly brave.  People often mistake long-standing internal struggles for something recent just because they weren't visible, but you've known who you are since you were 12 or 13.

That clarity is valuable.  I didn't know I was female until I was 51, even though I had been living as a woman for more than 20 years.  So in a way, you are lucky to know now.  You have time to take control of your future and live the life you want. 

I went to catholic school and because of trauma from there, after graduating middle school I began to repress my identity for almost two years after such..  and then(especially because of realizations through current political events) I realized I couldn't wait further for small promises.  I began presenting again as I desired and being the man I want to see in the mirror.

Taking those first steps to present how you want and to be the man you see in the mirror is something to be proud of.  It's not about waiting for someone else to accept it.  It's about living in a way that reflects your truth.  Your mother may have started out supportive, but sometimes that fades when people begin to confront their own discomfort.

If you are still living at home, this can make everything more difficult.  If you can find a way to move out when the time is right, it might help relieve some of the pressure.  It is also important to remember that transition takes time.  I could not get surgery the next day when I changed my life either.  Be patient and keep moving forward at your pace. 

This lead me to coming out to my mom mid-breakdown, initially she was super supportive, but it seems to have decreased over time.  Every single time we argue over it, which she always starts, it ends with her saying "well you know you need to wait to medically transition." Well of course I know that, so there's no point in her saying it.

Your mother's beliefs about what it means to be a man are based on stereotypes that do not hold up.  I'm 5'8" and I can barely lift 25 kilograms.  That has nothing to do with gender.  You do not need to prove your masculinity with war or heavy boxes.  You already are a man.  As for that strange statement about being not a man yet but not a woman, just ignore it.

You are not non binary and you do not have to explain that.  You are allowed to live your life fully and confidently in the world of binary.  I do.  I am a binary woman and I'm heterosexual.  There is nothing wrong with knowing exactly who you are. 

She has some odd opinions, strict gender norm beliefs("If you're a man, would you be willing to die at war?" as if that's a reasonable question, or "if you're such a man why can't you lift this giant box(around 50 kg or such)?" well I don't think anyone my age and weight can but okay..), the weird notion that I'm "not a man yet" but no longer a woman(which is such an odd statement since I do not identify as nonbinary, which I'm still shocked she believes in that identity considering her conservatism) and overall the idea that to "become a man" I need a full sex change..  I don't even know anymore.

You are already doing a lot just by living as yourself and using male pronouns.  That is not small.  If your mum or dad call you by the wrong name or pronoun, correct them calmly.  If they keep doing it, stop reacting.  I know that approach works.  People often stop when they get no reaction.  And please, try not to argue.  The best way to win an argument is not to argue at all.  Arguing only adds more stress and rarely changes anyone's mind.  You do not need to defend your identity.  You are valid already. 

It's easier than being closeted.  I'm allowed to dress and present as I wish, even using male pronouns for myself, though she causes arguments sometimes over my chosen name and such.  Her consistent use of propaganda sites as "proof", as false as they are- which lead to further arguments.

When your mother uses those sites as "proof," it just leads to more pointless arguments.  You know the truth.  What will help most now is focusing on your next steps.  If you are not working yet, maybe look into a job or consider going back to school or college.  Choose a course that will help you earn enough to carry out your goals.

All the major steps like changing your name, seeing a gender therapist who uses informed consent, or having surgery like a mastectomy, hysterectomy, or phalloplasty, all of that needs money.  A good education gives you the tools to reach those goals and take care of yourself. 

Is she going to get over it? I know things have been difficult for me and her, what with possibly leaving the USA(also thanks to political situations which I shall not mention) and her finally divorcing my childish excuse of a "father", but I don't know if it's something I have to wait out.

Trying to leave the USA is very difficult unless you meet the immigration requirements of another country.  A safer option might be to move to a more accepting state if you can.  That might give you some breathing space without the legal hurdles.  If you are still at home, begin making plans for independence.  Even if it takes time, knowing you are working toward that goal will help.  Having your own space where you can live freely is a major step toward peace of mind.

You are already doing so much right.  You know who you are.  You are taking steps to live as yourself.  You are thinking about your future.  That matters.  Take your time and build your life the way you want.  Look into legal name changes, medical options and the education or training that will help you afford it all.  I hope everything works out for you.

I wish you all the best for the future and that all your dreams come true.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@thechilaquil

[Sephirah]

...and her finally divorcing my childish excuse of a "father"

I think this might be the crux of your problem, sweetie. The way people feel about us, sometimes has nothing to do with who we are. It has more to do with what the people in question are dealing with. And how they frame their world view. It might be that your mom has a view of how men are, because of the men she's been around in her life.

That is not your problem. That is not on you. And if anything, I would suggest to you that it might be an idea to show your mom how a man can be. Be the change you want to see in the world, as Gandhi said. Not all men are like your "father" was. And if you can embody that, to show your mom that a lot of the views she has are outdated and need looking at... I think it can make a difference.

You don't have to be your mom's idea of a man. You just have to be your own man, and show the world how that is different.