Quote from: Jen T. on August 05, 2025, 08:27:54 PMI've been existing in this constant state of nervous excitement. I know that I am closer than ever to revealing to those around me who I really am. I imagine the sense of release when that happens will be huge and I desperately want to feel that, even though I know the potential for it blowing up in my face is high. I just want to get it over with and turn the page. But what if it costs me my family? Could I live with that? Am I selfish for wanting this so much? Even if it costs my family their own happiness?
My fear and self-doubt love to bombard me with these worst-case scenarios so I won't do anything risky. It's been that way my whole life. Eventually I'll get over that fear but it will take some time. The difference now is that for the first time I'm actually trying to overcome it rather than just live with it. That's a large part of what's fueling that nervous excitement I was talking about.
Jen, I remember this feeling all too well, and if I may, I would like to offer some advice.
First, you must get right with your own mind. One of the strongest fears that humans experience is the fear of loss.
As you put it: "But what if it costs me my family? Could I live with that? Am I selfish for wanting this so much? Even if it costs my family their own happiness? " I asked myself these exact same questions for almost three years.
Sometimes, our very survival depends upon our being selfish. You must remember that this is YOUR life and no one is going to live it for you. You must do what you need to do for your own happiness and mental well-being. People come and go from our lives for many reasons. Let them decide if they will stay or go.
Second, it is important to let them know why you are telling them this. Explain to them that you want to tell them in the interest of honesty. Because it is something very personal, you have a hard time telling them. You must also stress that you are the same person they have always known. Nothing has changed except that now they know something very personal to you that you have never told anyone before. But you feel that it is important that you be honest with them and let them know what is going on with you.
The next thing is how you tell them. Many of our members have written "coming out" letters to family and friends. That gives you time to organize your thoughts, say it exactly the way that you want to say it, and they cannot argue with a letter. I did it with telephone calls so I could hear what their reaction would be.
Some will reject it immediately, some will be supportive, and some won't know how to respond if they do at all. Give them time to process. They might be in shock and will need time to adjust. Look at how long it took you to understand it yourself. Give them the time they need. If they want to ask questions, answer truthfully and calmly. This is no one's fault. Being transgender is the way you were born. It has nothing to do with how you were raised; if you were loved enough, neglected, or abused. This happened while you were still in the womb.
Parents often blame themselves if they sense something is "wrong" with their child. Assure them that it is nothing that they did or didn't do.
And the final tip is to let them decide for themselves. Some will never be comfortable with it. But if they decide to no longer be a part of your life, that is their decision, not yours. Think about this: If someone cannot accept you for who you are, do you need them in your life? I decided long ago that I would no longer live my life according to the whims of others. It is my life to live and no one else's. The very least I can do for myself is to be happy for however many years I have left. This is my path. Others are welcome to join me, or go their own way. That is their decision. Life is too short to live it surrounded by negativity.
Our political climate is rough right now, but change is in the wind. People are rising up against the illegal and bigoted policies of this government. "This too shall pass".
You can do this. Take your time. There is no rush. Then, when YOU are ready, talk with them. If you choose to write a letter, write it out and put it away for a few days. Then take it out and read it. Is it exactly what you want to say? Is it how you want to say it? Make whatever changes you need, then put it away again. When you take it out and find that you don't need to change anything you wrote, it is ready.
Good luck. Please let us know how it goes. 🙂
