Discovering Jen

[Jen T.]

Here we go.

I've never been one to write much down. Lately, with SO much stuff bouncing around in between my ears, I've found that it can be helpful. I've read bits of some of the other blogs here and they give me hope and scare the hell out of me at the same time. I read some of your stories and I think, "Hey, stop doubting yourself. You can do this!" Then sometimes I get daunted by the long road ahead of me and I think quite the opposite. I know my fears aren't so different from many others but when I'm in my head it feels like I'm the only one.

So, for context, a little bit of history. It was around the age of 11 or 12 when I came to the realization that there was something different about me. That age when the boys and girls start to "notice" each other in that way. Attractions start to form and before you know it, that girl who was just a classmate last year is now your crush. At that same time I noticed something else stirring within me. The desire to be a girl was far more powerful than my attraction to them. I never thought, "What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?" I just knew it was something I needed. I also knew that it was something that I could never have. Remember that this was the mid-80's and this wasn't a topic that was discussed much or even acknowledged. There was no way I could tell anyone. I just had to keep it inside and grow into the young man I was expected to be. All the while I'd go to sleep every night wishing that I'd wake up in the morning and realize it had all been a dream and that I really was a girl.

I would have given anything for that.

Over the the course of nearly 40 years I got really good at hiding and squashing all of those feelings. I could go a long time without that longing and that feeling that I should have been something else. Those thoughts and emotions would lie dormant for awhile but they would always come back, stronger than before. Then, over the past few years I've been consumed by them. I finally reached a breaking point and came out to a therapist a few weeks ago. I start regular visits with her on Monday.

Anyways, that's a brief history of Jen. That brings us to the present, where I'm standing on the edge and paralyzed with fear about taking the leap. I know I want it but the question is whether or not I can find the courage to do it.

Time will tell.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

[Maid Marion]

Hi Jen,

Good luck with seeing a therapist to sort things out.

Marion

[tgirlamg]

Welcome to the blog zone Jen!

You do indeed sound a bit poised to jump off the cliff... I suspect soon you will feel more fear about not jumping... than jumping! Take this all at the speed that feels right! 🌸

It doesn't need to be quite as dramatic as a swan dive into the void but, often there are smaller leaps of faith that we feel compelled to take on... each one made brings one closer to the realization that yes... all things are possible and our life is truly what we make it to be..🌸

You can approach this all in any way you please... all possibilities are yours to explore as you chart your path... it is good to read the experiences of others but, your journey will be uniquely your own..🌸

Keep the light of hope in your heart and let it guide you... listen to your fears but dont let them be the loudest voice in your head or take the steering wheel from your hand...🌸

All shall be well little sister!🌸

Here is a snippet of Walt Whitman's Song Of The Open Road for this new place you find yourself... It speaks to finding yourself, your place in the world and your place amongst others along life's journey...

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Hugs!,

Ashley 🌻

[Lori Dee]

Hello Jen!

Welcome to your new home here on Susan's Place.

We are happy to have you join us in the Blogosphere. It is wonderful that you found the courage to reach out to a therapist. They will not give you the answers, but will ask the right questions to help you decide for yourself. When things get tough (and they will), your therapist will be able to help you across the obstacles. And of course, we will always be here to offer support, advice, and a friendly ear.

Get settled in. Rearrange the furniture however you like, and we will check in on you from time to time. Looking forward to reading your stories. 

[Pema]

Welcome to your blog, Jen! I agree that writing things out can help clarify them in my mind.

I appreciate hearing about how you became aware of your incongruity, how you set it aside, and how it resurfaced.

I strongly second Ashley's suggestion of taking it in whatever-sized steps feel right for you. I'm a pretty slow-and-methodical person, but also eager to move things along when I'm clear about what's next. I think you'll find that there are easier and simpler things that can help you progress toward feeling more at ease. With those in place, there's a good chance the next step will become apparent.

Enough from me. Please share more about your experiences when you feel like it.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
It is always wonderful for me to see our members start their own member Blog Thread on the Forum.
I eagerly look forward to following your journey along with your other readers and followers as
only you feel comfortable sharing.

I am so very happy to see that you have started your very own Blog thread here on the Forum.

You can consider your Blog thread as your HOME here on the Forum where your readers and
followers can  find you to leave their comments and to share with you. 

Also your Blog thread is your shared personal journal that you can use to write down your thoughts
and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

I have some older Blog threads here from several years ago that I still go back to
read what I had shared...  great memories of my trials and tribulations as I documented
my own journey. 

I also keep a personal "old school" pen & paper journey for my eyes only... complete with
colorful doodling and snapshot pictures. 
On a cold and rainy night I can be found in my comfy chair in front of my warm fireplace
reading over some of my past writings... sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes
with a smile on my face.

As you feel free to share your story you can find comfort in knowing that when you
share your heartache, trials, difficulties and unpleasant experiences that test your
resilience and strength... that you will have like-minded members and friends here that
will be at your side to offer their shoulders for you to lean on and their ears to listen.
On the other hand, when you share your successes, accomplishments,and happy moments we will
rejoice with you and help you to celebrate those good times in your journey.

I look forward to following your "Discovering Jen" Blog thread and I also am
eagerly looking for your future postings around the various threads on the Forum.

My warmest HUGS ... and happy Blogging and Journaling
                              ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]   
The Forum Administrator              My direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[davina61]

Welcome to the "basement" I like to think its more a party room! Anyway good wishes with your new adventure, I may not be able to give a lot of advice as my adventure went so easy it was unbelievable. No therapy for me as I have a very stable mind and do what I need.