Discovering Jen

[Jen T.]

I saw my therapist today for the first "official" session (the last time was just an "intake" appointment so they could match me with the right therapist). I won't get into specifics but I will say I feel incredible. Having an open, honest, in-depth and in-person conversation with someone other than myself is just about the best thing ever!

Also, as we were wrapping up she tells me that she's going to send me a list of things like reading materials and links to a few things that I might find helpful. I told her about finding Susan's Place a few weeks ago and she lit up. She said that this site was on her list of recommendations. Looks like I came to the right place! 🩷

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Maid Marion]

Hi  Jen,

Great to hear you found someone  you can talk to!

Marion

[tgirlamg]

Awesomeness Girl!... Kudos on this step forward towards building the life you want! Amazing things await!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

[Jen T.]

Time has a way of taking time,
And loneliness is not only felt by fools...
Megadeth- In My Darkest Hour

Lately I feel like time is standing still. So still in fact, that it's taken me fully ten minutes to write these first two sentences. I can't seem to find the words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling.

One. Hour. Later.

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd make everything all right
RUSH- Presto

I know what my ultimate goal is. If I didn't I wouldn't be here. At least, I know right now what that goal is. I can't say it won't evolve over time. I'm fairly confident that it won't, though. I mentioned in my earlier post about nervous excitement. It makes me wish I had a magic wand to wave around so I could transport myself to that day when I finally step out into the world as the woman I know I'm meant to be. I wish I could meet that version of Jen and ask her for advice. How did she conquer the fear and uncertainty? How did she face all the challenges that come with transitioning? How did she celebrate all the milestones? Did any of her loved ones stick by her through it all?

It is that last question that paralyzes me with fear.

I cannot do this alone. I don't know how I'll find the strength if my family rejects me. So here I am, eager and excited to get started and speed down that road towards my goal... but I'm stuck in neutral.

I realize that got a little heavy for a minute. I feel like I need to point out that I'm not in a dark place. Believe me, I know fully well what depression-fueled crisis feels like and this isn't it. On the contrary, despite all of my fear I feel optimistic. Hopeful. Impatient.

I'm ready to go; I just gotta figure out how to get this broken-down old lemon in gear.

Where did I put that magic wand... 😉

[tgirlamg]

As we keep moving forward... transforming our personal reality... Seeing ourself, our place in the world and our place amongst others through new eyes... experiencing life in ways we never dreamed could truly be ours to enjoy... and seeing that we can make the impossible... possible... We realize that we never needed a magic wand... We ARE the magic wand! 🤗

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

[Lori Dee]

We realize that we never needed a magic wand... We ARE the magic wand!

That is beautiful, Ashley!

[Jessica_Rose]

How did she conquer the fear and uncertainty? How did she face all the challenges that come with transitioning? How did she celebrate all the milestones? Did any of her loved ones stick by her through it all?

When I began my journey, I had the same fears. Hiding my soul for decades had driven me to a dark place. My only options were to fall deeper into darkness, or to release my soul into the light. Only one of those options had the potential of continued existence. I took a leap of faith, faith in myself to overcome any obstacles. I also believed in my strength, the strength of the woman who had been trapped in darkness her entire life. It was she who cracked the shell of darkness.

I was certain many of those who loved the person I was would forsake the person I would become. I told them my truth, then gave them time. No lectures, no deadlines, just time for them to become familiar with who I was becoming. I did lose a sister-in-law, and a few cousins, but everyone else eventually accepted and supported me. My wife and I recently celebrated our 41st Anniversary.

Before I transitioned, I rarely smiled, and I never showed my teeth. Now I smile every day, and occasionally experience a few moments of euphoria when I think about what I have accomplished. Allowing myself to become the person I should have been, instead of the person everyone else expected me to be, is the best celebration of all.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[ChrissyRyan]

I am happy that I have transitioned.  There have been some problems.  It is better now for sure.

It is like a weight has been taken away.  It is not all a bed of roses however.  I do not always pass.  Enough though.  It is the voice I think more than anything.


Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

  @Jen T.
Dear Jen:

Your Special Day is TODAY, Monday August 18th

Everyone here on the Forum are wishing you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
                                                       

I hope that your celebration plans for your birthday includes
                                  CAKE                                    
                                      CANDLES                                     
                                          ICE CREAM
                                              Friends and Family
                                                                  and perhaps a special trip or outing.

                                                     

Please be certain to look at your profile on your Birthday and find a special gift.

Warm wishes to you on your Special Day and your Birthday...
Danielle 
                         

[Lori Dee]

Happy Birthday, Jen!

 

And may you have many, many more!

Hugs!

[tgirlamg]

🎂🎁🎊🎉🎉🎉💕Happy Birthday Jen!!!💕🎉🎉🎉🎊🎁🎂

[Jen T.]

@ Danielle, Lori and Ashley
Thank you so much, ladies. You're the best. 😁💖

[ChrissyRyan]

Happy birthday Jen!

Chrissy

[Pema]

Happy birthday, Jen! I hope it has been and continues to be a wonderful day for you.

[davina61]

Happy birthday dear, missed it due to time difference so hope it was a good one xx

[Jen T.]

I had an interesting conversation with my wife on Sunday. We were on the phone while she was driving back from out of town and we were talking about the daughter of a friend. The girl has had a rough life, right from birth. Through it all she has a good head on her shoulders and tries to live life the right way. She deserves to find some happiness. Towards that, she's bounced back and forth for some years between boyfriends and girlfriends and back again, in search of the one. I told my wife- not for the first time- that it makes no difference to me who a person finds happiness with as long as they find it. To which she replies, "Right. If you love someone, gender shouldn't matter."

I nearly dropped my phone.

She has no idea how close I am to putting that statement to the test. If you've read my previous blog entries you know how afraid I am of getting the worst possible reaction from her when I come out. That sentence though, coming from her, filled me with so much hope. I've always known she had open and accepting views on a lot of things but would she be so open and accepting if it was her spouse? I wish I could be certain.

I don't know when and I don't know how but eventually I'm going to find out.

Getting back to her statement, I once again felt as if the universe was conspiring against me. Here was a golden opportunity to start the conversation and the timing was no good. Now, I realize the "right time" may never truly present itself but I know what the wrong time looks like and that was it. Not over the phone while she's driving home.

I keep things pretty well hidden. The closet I'm stuck in is more like a furnished studio apartment behind a secret door. However, I do occasionally drop tiny hints, which go completely over my son's head and my wife and daughter pass off as my oddball humor. Then this morning I had a thought. Does she know more than I think she does? Is my secret not as well guarded as I think it is? Was that statement her way of dropping a hint back at me? Am I reading way too much into this and allowing myself to indulge in wishful thinking? The answer to the latter is most likely yes.

A girl can dream, though. Right?
Thanks for reading.


Peace, Love and Happiness,

Jen

[Pema]

Jen, that is very interesting! Do you feel ready to tell her? If so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..." And if you do feel ready to do that, you could try to arrange for a "right time" to do it.

I'm not trying to push anything. I'm just asking how ready you feel and whether you might want to try to use this opportunity to move yourself to where you want to be.

[Lori Dee]

Jen, that is very interesting! Do you feel ready to tell her? If so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..." And if you do feel ready to do that, you could try to arrange for a "right time" to do it.

I'm not trying to push anything. I'm just asking how ready you feel and whether you might want to try to use this opportunity to move yourself to where you want to be.

Pema took the words right out of my... keyboard. 

It sounds like she is a loving and accepting person. You are right to worry if she would feel the same way about her spouse, BUT the two of you have a bond already established. She may be even MORE accepting BECAUSE you are her spouse. And maybe, she already knows or suspects and is just waiting for you to bring it up so you two can talk about it.

I am very hopeful for you, but it must be when YOU are ready, and only then. Good luck!       

[Jen T.]

If so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..."

That is a really good idea and I'm definitely going to use it.
Eventually...