So, I need to preface this with some backstory. Not too much because you know me.
I have a lot of medical issues I have to deal with. Some more urgent than others. But over the last weeks I went back to doing admin for a charity here in the UK. Helping people with heart issues. 95% of it was online. I can work from home. And that's all hunky dory. Never have to see anyone, never have to put yourself out there. You just do your thing and the whole beast ticks along like normal.
Yesterday I was called in for a meeting.
This was apocalyptic for me. For one thing I had to go out of the house. And I am quite mobility challenged. Namely it's an unduly stressful and complicated logistical operation for me to go too far outside my house. Mostly because, as a lot of folks know, I can't walk around like normal people.
But that wasn't the big thing.
I don't want to go into details... but the latest little glass in the punch of "how much can Lauren deal with?" involved me losing my hair. The thing that's defined my identity for like 20 years. The thing I was most proud of in the world.
I debated whether to say anything about this because I am not someone who does this. But it has a happy ending, okay?
Here I am, arranging transport to see people who don't really care. Oiling my wheels to go actually do stuff, as it were. With a Hulk Hogan/Undertaker level head covering because otherwise I look like Ripley in "Alien 3", and my brain is screaming at me. "Don't you dare do this!", "Everyone will think you're a freak!". Every other combination of nasty little sonata your headvoice sings to you when you try to do something.
I think most of you probably know what was going through my head. A different voice, but the same song. "I am a freak.", "everyone will just be pointing and laughing at me!", "Is there any possible way I can get out of this?"
But no, I had to do this. Because what I'm doing matters to me, so I had to face people. I hate facing people.
And... it turns out that I wound myself up in knots for nothing. Physician heal thyself, right? Lol. I am probably more messed up than most of you put together.
I made an actual real life friend from the whole experience. Someone who had a little sister going through the same thing I am. We went for coffee, and talked about a lot of stuff. The day ended far different to I thought it would.
The message I want to give you is this: No one in this world can ever put you down as much as you can. No one can ever tell you that you can't do something as much as you can. For every single person you feel is judging you... there's only one person judging you... and that is you. Whatever it is. Whatever you're dealing with. You are your own worst enemy. If you can get past that, you have hope. And the capacity for change.
The hardest step you can ever take in your life is the one that says "I need to take this step."
