Quick Backstory. I'm 58 AMAB married with grown kids. INTP personality type and software engineer (surprise surprise
)
- Before ten, I was a sensitive but pretty typical boy. Liked sports and exploring. I little risk averse maybe because my older brother was injuring himself in different ways. Had an ever older sister.
- At ten started having day dreams about being a girl. Saw a set girls underwear at a store and wanted to wear them. However even there was erotic element. I'd advertently discovered prone masturbation and these were the focus. I would see an an article of feminine clothing and later I would prone masturbate to the idea of being a girl wearing the clothing. Eventually I would orgasm (dry at first) and the desire would go away.
- During this time my family would get National Enquirer magazines from my grandma and every so often there would be a article about someone who had a "sex change". I would be fascinated and jealous because they now get to wear the clothes. However, their backstory was the typical "always known / played with dolls" which I wasn't.
- At 12, I development breast buds and didn't know what they were no tell anybody about them out of fear. I was a chubby kid with puffy nipples. Very self-conscious about it for decades. Felt is was an effect or even punishment for fantasizing about being a girl.
- At 14 and 15, I started trying old clothes my sister and mom had. It was erotic overload and afterward I would be disgusted with myself. Even burned a stash in the fireplace once. Later at 15, I seemed to outgrow "it" and wrote the whole thing off an some weird puberty thing. I played football, started lifting weights and felt like male enough to go through life.
- There was still a low-key fascination and for a while I would prone masturbate to female embodiment fantasies but mostly "stroking it" to cis-het fantasies. Being a cheerleader vs ->-bleeped-<-ing the cheerleader. I stopped such prone masturbation when I bought a new mattress and saw the stains on the old one (Seriously).
If this whole thing ended here. I would write the whole thing off as a "fetish" that I outgrew.
- Met the woman I would marry at 30. I started to have a once a month dream where I was a girl wearing something feminine. I would wake excited and annoyed. Why is "this" coming back.
- We get engaged she is out one night and I am in her apartment. All of sudden the realization that she has this loose dress that I might just fit into. My heart starts beating rapidly and I head to her closet, but first realize I want to panties underneath and put a pair of her on. "Oh, this is ridiculous" and I took them off and that was the end of it.
- We get married and have a son and a daughter. I would have the occasional want I think of as "tutti-frutti" dream involving wearing women's clothes. One time I had one and was excited/annoyed and slipped one of her panties again hoping the disillusionment would make it go away and promptly busted a seam. I took them off and she never thought it was me.
- I've always had an aversion to "typical pornography". My "excess libido" preferred women with certain clothes on. I would look a lingerie ads and fantasize the my wife has them but there was "something else" going on. Eventually It is stock photos or video of women simply getting dressed.
- Kids grow up and I start working from home. During the pandemic I stumble upon "trans ->-bleeped-<-" and a "dam breaks" and I go down a rabbit hole. I have to admit since this grew out of my attempt to avoid pornography and it is very erotically charged. Crossdressed occasionally but have mixed feeling about it.
- I'm looking for way off this rollercoaster. I believe there are underlying gender identity issue but the erotic aspects distorts things. The underlying issue is like a dog barking and the erotic part is a bullhorn. Is the dog a chihuahua with a big bullhorn or bigger dog with smaller bullhorn? (I like metaphors about this).
- I consider myself a "crossdreamer" and recently given myself permission to subtly femininize. Better self-care , buying brighter men's clothes and maybe more masculine women's clothes without coming out to anyone yet. I'd love to be androgynous and a bit of a "gender chameleon" that can boy mode most of them. I consider that trans feminine but not transgender (yet). I would love a test drive of low-dose HRT just reduce the "bullhorn" and more less subtle feminization.
I'm always looking for places to find people like me on the "spectrum" to see how they if handle it.
