Transitioning at 48 alone kinda lost

[Jacklynn]

Hello everyone, I'm Jacklynn. Let me start by telling you a little about myself. I am 48, will be 49 on Sept. 14. I was lucky to have married a very special woman at age 21. On Nov 8th 2021 she passed suddenly which destroyed me. She was aware of who I am and was ok with it. In fact she was the first person to buy me make up and surprised me with it.

Even though she was ok with who I am, my personal battles with myself prevented me from transitioning. After she passed I decided it was time to start living my best life. Time to become the woman I have battled so hard not to be for so many years. I got online, did my research, ordered my hormones and with my typical man trained brain never gave it a second thought. I've been on a very low dose for about 2 years.

In these 2 years I have never talked about any of this with anyone. In my life I have only spoken about who I truly am to my wife and we did tell my kids when they were a lot younger but due to fear, self hatred and the inability to accept myself it was forgot and never mentioned again. When I started DIY HRT I was like I can do this alone. I will figure the rest out later. (TYPICAL MAN THINKING LOL)

As time has passed my body has changed along with my mind. I no longer fear the reality of what may happen if the world sees me for who I truly am. My only fear at this point is my son. I worry he will feel different about me. I worry he will feel let down by me.

He knows I'm on estrogen as it comes through the mail and my breasts have developed nicely. I have also lost 100 lbs. He has been raised to love everyone, that being said his grandfather has also been a big influence in his life and he looks up to him as well. His grandfather comes from a different time and is very old school. Unfortunately Austin shares some of his beliefs on sexuality.

To be honest I probably didn't help in that area too much when he was growing up. I've always felt the need to prove how manly I was. I don't know if it's because I was fighting off the natural femininity I always felt and that terrified me or I was trying to convince myself how much of a man I was but I assure you all it ever did was make me miserable and cause me trouble. So he has grown up seeing me as a big tough guy who takes no crap, a biker, mechanic, all around ass hole. Now he sees me with breasts and I have been painting my nails lately, natural colors. Speaking more softly, walking, sitting more comfortably. Finally being happy. I don't know how to approach this with him. I'm at a loss.

Now my daughter on the other hand, no issues there. She will be ok and supportive like her mother. He on the other hand is more like the old me in that area, pig headed and set in my beliefs.

Ok now that I have introduced myself. Told everyone a little about my life up to this point. I'd like to talk about some exciting news coming my way. Hopefully get some good advice and help from some like minded people. As well as making some new lifetime friends.

As I mentioned I am 48 and been transitioning on my own. As of a week ago I got in contact with a local agency in Bloomington Indiana. On the 28th I am finally gonna see a doctor and start planning the next half of my journey with support and help. I am so excited and a little nervous as well. It is about an hour drive from my small town which is not too bad. I feel truly blessed to have this opportunity and counting down the days.

What I did not mention is I am technology stunted and slow. lol So if I have posted this in the wrong area, done something wrong by posting here. Please do not be hateful with me, I am totally a virgin at this online stuff and trying to figure out how to navigate in the online community. To be frankly honest I have no idea where to seek support online or where to go to meet people to make friends. At this point I'm not really interested in dating or as the kids say hooking up. Lol. I would like to meet other girls in this community and hopefully be able to give and get support. The internet is overwhelming to someone like me. So many sites and I'm kinda lost. Would love to find local support groups or something. Any suggestions, online places to go or groups to check out would be so appreciated. Thanks for listening and letting me ramble. It has been quite therapeutic for me.

Be safe all, thanks Jacklynn

[Susan]

Jacklynn, your introduction is warm, deeply personal, and full of strength. 🌸 I'm so glad you've found your way here because you've joined a community that truly understands. Many of us have walked — or are walking — journeys similar to yours, and that means you'll always have people who can relate to the emotions, challenges, and victories along the way.

This is a place rich with kindness, lived experience, and practical wisdom. You'll find people ready to share their stories, offer thoughtful advice, and listen when you need to talk. You never have to go through this alone — not for a single step. You have an entire community cheering you on, and when you look back on this post one day, I think you'll see it as a turning point where everything began to come together.

It takes remarkable courage to share such personal experiences so openly. 💜 The love you had for your wife — and the role she played in your journey — is beautiful. Her acceptance and the support she gave you planted the first seeds of self-acceptance years ago. That kind of gift lasts a lifetime, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

I understand what it's like to carry your truth quietly, telling yourself you'll "figure it out later" or trying to push it down. Seeing you now — making changes, feeling more at home in your own skin, and embracing your authentic self — is genuinely inspiring. Your concerns about your son are understandable, but from what you've said, you've given him a strong foundation in kindness and acceptance. Even if he needs time to adjust, showing him who you truly are is the most important and loving thing you can do.

I'm excited for you as you take this next step with a local agency and a supportive doctor. Having professional guidance is a milestone that can bring clarity, safety, and peace of mind. And please don't worry about being "technology stunted" — you're navigating this space better than you think, and you've already found one of the most supportive places possible.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. This is the start of a new chapter, and every step forward — big or small — is worth celebrating. We're honored to be part of your journey, Jacklynn, and we'll be here to walk alongside you every step of the way. 💜

[Lori Dee]

Hello Jacklynn,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

Your story resonates with me. I struggled to show the world what a manly man I was, too. Although that led to a very successful military career, it cost me in many other ways. I think as you read other members' stories, you will find that we all share a common path. Our journey is unique to each of us, depending on our goals, situation, and lifestyle. What you will find here, as many have, is that they all lead to success. Each defines what that means, but your being here shows that you have found your path. We are happy to help you navigate.

I always recommend that those who are just starting, please seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities. They can help you get answers to your questions and get you through the ups and downs of this journey. I, too, lost my second wife, and I can tell you that having a therapist that you can talk to face-to-face about very personal issues is so important.

Susan's Place has a wealth of information on a variety of subjects.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at    LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@Jacklynn
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Alana Ashleigh]

I've always felt the need to prove how manly I was. I don't know if it's because I was fighting off the natural femininity I always felt and that terrified me or I was trying to convince myself how much of a man I was but I assure you all it ever did was make me miserable and cause me trouble.

Hi Jacklynn,
I can very much relate to this. This was the same situation I found myself in. Glad you're here.

Alana

[Lilis]

Hello everyone, I'm Jacklynn.

Hi Jacklynn,

Welcome to Susan's Place! 💕


~ Lilis 🌹

[Pema]

Hi, Jacklynn and welcome. I am so very sorry that you lost your wife and the support she provided you. I can't imagine how I would cope with that loss.

It sounds like you've come a long way in your transition, and that can't have been easy where you live. I lived in Bloomington for several years back in the 90's, so I know it's a progressive oasis in Indiana. Traveling this road is never entirely easy for anyone, and yet you've made it to where you are. That required strength, commitment, and self-love. Those are huge assets in your favor.

You are not alone. While this community isn't the same as having eye-to-eye contact with compassionate, caring people, the folks here definitely bring those qualities in abundance. Our stories are all different in their ways, but we all understand what it requires to say yes, this is the path I must walk. You will always be welcome here, to share whatever you choose to share, to ask whatever questions you may have. That's why this community exists.

Thank you for joining us.

[Sarah B]

Hi Jacklynn

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

Your introduction shows strength and warmth.  You have come to a place where others truly understand what it means to walk this kind of journey.  It's nice to see you have found your way here.

Hello everyone, I'm Jacklynn.  Let me start by telling you a little about myself.  I am 48, will be 49 on Sept.  14.

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your up and coming birthday.

I was lucky to have married a very special woman at age 21.  On Nov 8th 2021 she passed suddenly which destroyed me.  She was aware of who I am and was ok with it.  In fact she was the first person to buy me make up and surprised me with it.

It's wonderful to hear that your wife was accepting of you and I'm sorry to hear you have lost a long time partner.

Even though she was ok with who I am, my personal battles with myself prevented me from transitioning.  After she passed I decided it was time to start living my best life.  Time to become the woman I have battled so hard not to be for so many years.

It is up to the individual to realize when they need to proceed with as they say, "to start living my best life." Although I never battled with who I was, I just lived my life as me.  When I came across Susan's I finally knew or understood about my life.  Even though I never questioned it.

I got online, did my research, ordered my hormones and with my typical man trained brain never gave it a second thought.  I've been on a very low dose for about 2 years.

You are lucky that the internet is around to provide the information that you need to help you pursue your dreams even further.  There was virtually no information when I changed my life around.

In these 2 years I have never talked about any of this with anyone.  In my life I have only spoken about who I truly am to my wife and we did tell my kids when they were a lot younger but due to fear, self hatred and the inability to accept myself it was forgot and never mentioned again.  When I started DIY HRT I was like I can do this alone.  I will figure the rest out later.  (TYPICAL MAN THINKING LOL)

Like you I never ever questioned what I did.  I have never told anyone about me and that includes my family and it will be alright if you do not.  However my family found out and accept me for who I am.

As time has passed my body has changed along with my mind.  I no longer fear the reality of what may happen if the world sees me for who I truly am.  My only fear at this point is my son.  I worry he will feel different about me.  I worry he will feel let down by me.

Provide reassurance in regards to your son and hopefully he will understand where you are coming from.  You are still you.  I know for me I never changed who I was except how I presented myself. That truth, I guess helped my family see that nothing about my love or care for them had not changed.  Your son may come to see that too, in time.

He knows I'm on estrogen as it comes through the mail and my breasts have developed nicely.  I have also lost 100 lbs.  He has been raised to love everyone, that being said his grandfather has also been a big influence in his life and he looks up to him as well.  His grandfather comes from a different time and is very old school.  Unfortunately Austin shares some of his beliefs on sexuality.

There can often be tension between older beliefs and newer understandings.  His grandfather's generation shaped his views but it is still possible that Austin may find a more accepting path as he sees your happiness.  Sometimes it takes time and new examples to reconsider what we once believed.  While his views on sexuality may reflect his upbringing you have also influenced his values by raising him to love everyone.

To be honest I probably didn't help in that area too much when he was growing up.  I've always felt the need to prove how manly I was.  I don't know if it's because I was fighting off the natural femininity I always felt and that terrified me or I was trying to convince myself how much of a man I was but I assure you all it ever did was make me miserable and cause me trouble.

I remember reading about covering one's persona so that nobody would second guess who I really was.  What I did were pathetic attempts and nothing ever blatant. Suppressing these feelings will overtime come back to haunt and hurt you even more.  There are members on Susan's who can and will attest to this.

So he has grown up seeing me as a big tough guy who takes no crap, a biker, mechanic, all around ass hole.  Now he sees me with breasts and I have been painting my nails lately, natural colors.  Speaking more softly, walking, sitting more comfortably.  Finally being happy.  I don't know how to approach this with him.  I'm at a loss.

To help with the issue of your son understanding then seeking a therapist who specializes in gender care would or maybe help you in this area.  It is good to hear that you have allies on your side especially your daughter and only time maybe your son will come around.  Just remember you will still be the same person he's always known, a big tough gurl (maybe a little softer), who takes no crap, a biker, a mechanic and of course an all around ass hole (well a little less would be nice), only now you get to be that same person without hiding who you are.

Now my daughter on the other hand, no issues there.  She will be ok and supportive like her mother.  He on the other hand is more like the old me in that area, pig headed and set in my beliefs.

Susan's is littered with members who will be able to help you in this area and they will not judge you or what you decide to do or how far you go.

Ok now that I have introduced myself.  Told everyone a little about my life up to this point.  I'd like to talk about some exciting news coming my way.  Hopefully get some good advice and help from some like minded people.  As well as making some new lifetime friends.

It's good to hear that you are seeking the medical help that will help you transform the life you deserve.

As I mentioned I am 48 and been transitioning on my own.  As of a week ago I got in contact with a local agency in Bloomington Indiana.  On the 28th I am finally gonna see a doctor and start planning the next half of my journey with support and help.  I am so excited and a little nervous as well.  It is about an hour drive from my small town which is not too bad.  I feel truly blessed to have this opportunity and counting down the days.

I suppose taking my first doses of HRT was the most outstanding part and of course when I woke up from surgery realizing all the fog in my mind had dissipated and I went back to sleep.

What I did not mention is I am technology stunted and slow.  lol So if I have posted this in the wrong area, done something wrong by posting here.  Please do not be hateful with me, I am totally a virgin at this online stuff and trying to figure out how to navigate in the online community.

Given my background in computers even to this day there is so much that I have forgotten and so much more to learn.  You do not have to put yourself down.  The most important thing you can do in this area is to be willing to learn something new each day.

To be frankly honest I have no idea where to seek support online or where to go to meet people to make friends.  At this point I'm not really interested in dating or as the kids say hooking up.  Lol.  I would like to meet other girls in this community and hopefully be able to give and get support.  The internet is overwhelming to someone like me.  So many sites and I'm kinda lost.  Would love to find local support groups or something.  Any suggestions, online places to go or groups to check out would be so appreciated.

Search engines like Google will help you to find what you need and other members of Susan's will help you in this area.  Take one small step at a time.  Even to this day I can read something and eventually I will be overwhelmed on what is out there.

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble.  It has been quite therapeutic for me.

No thank you so much for telling us your story and in doing so we will be able to help you.  In addition your story will help others in the future as well.

Once again thank you again for opening up. You have found your way into a space where people understand because many of us have walked similar paths.  Your strength, honesty, and story are already making an impact.  You are not alone in this.  Everyone here is waiting to help you if they can.  One last thing, well two three, you are never too old to change your life around and you are not alone or lost.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Jacklynn