So uhh... Made account back in 2014... Made two posts. One question and one shared news... Never introduced myself. Forgot completely about this site as irl life stuff just took over... Today... Saw a notification in my email about Susan and was reminded oh yeah this place exists... Time to actually get active again.. Starting with an introduction.
Hay. I'm Lexi. Chosen name. Not given name. 30 years old. White af. American. Mentally handicapped but only mildly. MtF but not transitioned yet. Again, life just sorta happened and 10 years have gone by in a drag.
Not sure what else to say about myself... Perhaps a brief timeline or someghing?
1994... I exist
2000... 6 years old... Already diagnosably weird. Autism. Aspergers. Adhd. Ocd. Ptsd... The works. Fresh out of foster care and back in the arms of my alcoholic hoarder of a mom. No dad in picture. Living in a run down house owned by my grandma for next to nothing. Grandma has extreme victorian era values. Religious nut.
2004. 10 years old. I was becoming aware of my body and sensed something wasn't right. I began exploring my sexuality out of curiosity and confusion rather than understanding. I didn't yet have the language or guidance—only a strong feeling that something didn't fit.
2006. 12 years old. In special ed middle school. Perscribed like 7 different kinds of meds and therapy for autism. Side effects include loss of appetite, weight gain and weight retention, among other things. Primary diet is ensure and mcdonalds. Short squat fat potato of a kid. First time those experiments yeilded an actual reaction was around this time. Finally started becoming mentally aware of just what sex is. Learn what boobs are... Google searched 'vagina' at the public library... Etc... Also finally get my first game console as a christmas gift. A nintendo 64 and a copy of super mario 64... Until then I'd only had old faded vhs tapes and fuzzy analog tv for entertainment...
2009. 15. Enter high school. Get first ever computer with dialup internet. A flimsy little notebook laptop barely able to run the simple office programs required for schoolwork. Game library now includes the Wii and DSi... Get hooked on flipnote hatena app on DSi... Precursor to youtube. Following a specific artist in particular. Follow them to social media on pc. My first time with that. Forums and chatboxes. Devaintart, freewebs, xat, skype, etc. Get hooked on MLP and pokemon thru new friends there... Finally start properly developing sexuality... Attractions. Relationships. Desires and physical needs. Porn. Lots of porn. Mostly the animated furry kind with a side of anime. And lots of ERP with online friends. Really my only kind of sexual or even romantic relatioships at that point. Enjoy the idea of both guys and girls in theory but strongly prefer guys. Still no practical experience yet.
2010-2012. Rapid development of life and identity... Things really started to take off in high school. Freak growth spurt transforms me from a short round lump to a tall medically underweight stringbean with virtually no body fat left. All horizontal inches converted to vertical ones. Many online relationships come and go. Even try out an irl relationship with a cute boy in school... Never gets beyond the platonic cuddle phase. 2011 finally determine for myself that im trans. MtF. No doubts about it. Thankfully skinny tall body lends to easily passing fairly well with only a little crossdressing... In private. Still totally closeted to family and public. Only handful of close friends know. Terrified that if family finds out theyll immediately disinherit me and leave me for dead. 2012 finally turn 18. Immediately demand to be taken off all the horrible meds ive been forced to take all my life. Get permission to listen to music thru headphones during quiet schoolwork. Grades drastically improve.
2013. Graduate high school. Decide to take a whole year off as a personal me time vacation before i even start thinking of looking for work. Whole year is expectedly uneventful. Become full time pc gamer and porn addict. Cheap dildo from spencers is my primary method of physical release. Tried an irl hookup site tailored to gay men to see what taking real dick is like... Learned vital lesson about prepping with enemas before play. Stopped using the hookup app after about 3 encounters. Enema practice continues to current day.
2014. 20 years old. Still skinny stringbean. Facial and body hair starting to come in strong now. Absolutely hate it. Hate it even more than my dick. Hyper touch sensitivity from autism. Every single hair is like a cactus needle. Have to pluck them out dig them out make everything smooth again or i go crazy... Constantly breaking out from fighting with body hair. First 3 trial jobs come and go in the blink of an eye. Cant keep one for more than a few months... Mostly due to a lack of transportation. No car. No drivers license. Just an expired school id. Public busses frequently and inexplicably missing. Forced to walk or sprint to and from work most days. Doing heavy research into planning for transition. The year i joined this site.
2016-ish. start getting a licence. Meet current day online boyfriend thru discord. Not official yet at that time but starting from here will be my longest romantic relationship yet. Get my first real lasting job that sticks. Sandwich shop. 2 or 3 man crew on the best of days. Bleak. Unskilled. Wild schedule. No prospects for the future... But easy and stable enough. Sharing rent with mom for the house... Steep family discount compared to what a proper realtor would charge for rent, but even still can barely afford with said discount. Transition planning gets backburnered. Development and goals totally sidelined as work and paying rent and meeting schedules become my entire life. 100% focus on just making ends meet and not starving to death. Most of my meals are from work with employee discount.
2019-2020. Covid outbreak. Whole job shuts down completely. Not fired exactly, but essentially ghosted out of the job. Almost whole year spent basically on hold waiting for permission to return to work. Only income is desaster relief and unemplyment. And ssdi. Forgot to mention that. Start taking online courses for IT field per friend's reccomendation. "IT is the holy grail of carreer paths" they said.
Didnt pan out.
2021. New job. Different sandwich shop. Absolute chaos. Place has no regard for work ethics regulations or basic human rights. Work schedule looks like the target board from a shooting range exclusively for shotguns. Closing shifts in the middle of the night into opening shifts less than 3 hours later. Should be illegal. Work life balance a total mess. Trying my best to be the good corperate wageslave without complaining. Getting so much overtime i actually end up owing taxes for the first time ever. Ssdi tries to cut me off multiple times. Making too much money. Total asset cap is $2k and im making that every other month. literally going out of my way to try and spend it off quick enough to stay under cap. Become collector of custom fantasy dildos and crossdressing wardrobe expands rapidly. Still mostly eating work food tho. Hard to argue with cheap/free food.
2022. Burn out in bad way at sandwich shop. Mental breakdown. Emotional explosion... Boiling point. Totally snap. Almost get physically violent. Threatening coworker with knife over the built up frustrations. Fired on the spot in front of everyone. Miraculously turn around and end up with a far better job literally the next week. Retirement home. Feeding old folks who cant leave their rooms. Set schedule that doesnt change. Dinner rush only, no weekends. Almost no chaos to speak of. Small hours. Small paychecks... But huge gains for my mental wellbeing. Free leftovers almost every night and more ice cream than i know what to do with.
2023-2025 Current day. Retirement home job continues. Mentally and emotionally stable again thanks mostly to the relaxed schedule. Finally planning transition is back on the menu again. Constantly cross dressed fairly convincingly every single day. Always tucking. Found stacking two layers of adhesive silicone bras makes a very realistic pair of b-cup boobs.. They even jiggle and transmit the sensation of touch thru them as if they were really my own skin. Accidentally come out to family. Unplanned. Just sorta slipped out when grandma noticed my false boobs and asked what i was wearing during beach trip. Instantly everyone knows... To my surprise im not kicked to the curb and left to rot.. Theyre actually supportive?! Offering me tips and advice. Handmedown dresses n skirts, etc. Happy day! Transition planning kicks into full gear dispite still having less than $2k to my name. Number one priority first and foremost: facial and body hair permanent removal. Shaving doesnt work. Nair doesnt work. Waxing, epilators, tweezers... Even a $300 IPL machine... None have worked... Still constantly growing prickly cactus spines everywhere. Can't keep them gone for more than 2 days before theyre back again and driving me crazy... Google tells me the most surefire method is galvanic electrolysis. Find a place around town that does it. Schedule consultation just like that. Didnt even check prices. If its truely 100% success rate and 100% permanent, then its worth every penny regardless of cost. Plan phase 2 will be slimming down gut. Years of stressful work in the food business with free meals evryday havent done me any favors. Im no longer the stringbean i was when i graduated high school. And google tells me the old fat has to come off first before i start hrt because apparently fat is burned off starting with the newest gained stuff first. Dont wanna burn off my future boobs in my attempts to burn off the belly. Electrolysis consultation is in two weeks from tomorrow.
And now youre caught up... Wasnt planning on writing my whole life story but here we are. Sunk cost fallacy. Too late to erase it.
Anywho now you know me. Hopefully I'll remember to be active here from now on.
