Music stirs the soul, let's avoid boring each other

[Ciara]

Nice guitar Kim,
I play accoustic guitar. I never really tried electric.
I listen to a lot of music across many genres. Some of my well known stand out favourites over the years would be Fleetwood Mac, Doobie Brothers, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell,Steely Dan, Crosby Stills and Nash. Stevie Ray Vaughan is one of my favourite blues guitarist alongside Rory Gallagher (who you have probably never heard of).
I listen to lots of others who are far less known.

Ciara

[Talula98]

Stevie Ray Vaughan is one of my favourite blues guitarist alongside Rory Gallagher (who you have probably never heard of).

Oh no- Rory is a huge influence on a lot of guitar players over here- a badass!  But, yeah- SRV is on another level! Hope you are doing well! 

[Talula98]

Well, let's try this again.  I wanted to be as open as I could in effort to make some real connections, not looking for the  "likes" or "follows" of social media.  I knew it would be a challenge, as I am typically reserved around people with whom I am not that familiar.

So, I joined this site last week, then kind of slinked away... I tried to respond to all of you who commented, but if I did miss you- I am sorry.  When I am came out to my wife and daughter in the fall of '23, it had been quite taxing just to get there.  But, you know what? I loved reading about Lori Dee's story- truly.  LOVED it.  So, I will do my best to be more forthcoming- I think we can all benefit from it. 

(Just as a side note before I say more, my sister, who just passed away from pancreatic cancer- her first name  and middle initial are/were Lorie D.) so, maybe that was a synchronicity for me to see you on here, Lori, D.?  IDK) Maybe I was supposed to be here...)

I seem to have this nasty habit of trying to pull back, a la turtle shell, when life's "other" problems try to insert themselves front and center in my life.  I came out to my wife  and daughter in Sept. 2023, told my sister a couple of months later.  Then told my closer friends over the next few months, and then eventually told my parents July, 2nd, 2024.  I told them over text bc I honestly thought I might kill them with them with the news if I did it in person.  It had haunted me for months and months, with me snapping at my wife and daughter bc I just had no outlets. I was frustrated.  I knew what I was doing, so I picked up the phone and texted them the great news.  I was disowned for the next four months.  I eventually told my father that I never knew he was that gutless- to desert me the way he did.  My mother is a covert narcissist, so I knew how it was going to go with her.  I told my therapist, "I don't know how exactly shew will do it, but my mother is going to make this about her."  She did.   

I eventually met with my father after 3-4 months, and we kind of communicated.  Kind of.  I eventually had to give my mother the ultimatum that you sit down across from me at a table and talk to me by this date, or we are done- forever.  That got her attention.  I wish I could tell you it went well.  It didn't. 

Why?

I was the All-American kid.  Polite, got straight A's, and once introduced to baseball- excelled at that.  I was usually the best player on my team, won multiple city championships.  Played in college, where my teams went to NCAA regionals three of my four years, and two of those years resulted in College World Series Appearances.  I tell you this not to brag, but to give you an idea of my "maleness."  I was a pretty good player, elected captain of my high school team my senior year, and my college team my junior and senior years.

Oh, and I also liked to hunt, shoot, and fish.  But you know what?  I also liked to wear my sister's and mother's bathing suits. 

What? 

Yeah.

And did you know that instead of socks of smashed up paper towels or tissue- the best low-cost boobs for your bra is water balloons!  Yeah!  Seriously!  Cheap, adjustable, just be careful not to over-fill them and induce an explosion in your dress!  Easy, girls!

More later...love you!!

[Lori Dee]

I'm glad you liked my story. I know the feeling of frustration all too well. I thought I was an angry person, but a therapist showed me the difference between anger and frustration. She was exactly correct. I wasn't angry, I was frustrated!

I think that parents have the hardest time accepting our decision to transition. Most parents feel guilt if something is "wrong" with their child. They start second-guessing themselves, wondering if they did something wrong, did they do too much of this, or not enough of that. It is important to stress to them that it has nothing to do with that. This is the way we were born. Science doesn't have specific answers, but they believe it has to do with the way the brain develops before birth.

I would caution about giving ultimatums. People need time to adjust, to process, and eventually get to a point of acceptance. Give them that time, however long they need. They need to understand that you are not asking for their permission; you are just living your life. They can be a part of it, or not. That is their decision, but you are still moving forward. They do not have to understand why you need to do this, but be open if they want to ask questions that will help them understand. They do not have to accept what you are doing, but as a matter of respect, they can at least call you by your chosen name.

My dad struggles with this. He tries to call me Lori and is getting much better at that, after three years.    But he still slips up and refers to me as his son. My mom will usually correct him, but I know he is not doing it to be mean, so I ignore it.

In time, he will come around. Your mom may, too. She just needs time to adjust to what they think is the "new you". Just assure them that you are the same person. Nothing has changed except that now you have shared something very personal with them, something you have not shared with anyone else before.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey as it unfolds. 

[Susan]

Hi Kim!

Thank you for sharing so openly. Your honesty about not fitting the "always knew" narrative will resonate with many of us. A lot of us pieced things together slowly, doubted ourselves, and still have days of peace that alternate with days of disbelief. That doesn't make your truth any less real—it makes you human.

"Warrior Princess" and Laura Jane Grace have sparked courage for so many; you're in great company. Your music compass says a lot too—artists who play like it matters. Same with that Les Paul; there's a whole life in six strings. If you ever want to share a performance or the song that got you through a rough patch, our music forum is perfect for that—plenty of folks there appreciate artists who put everything into their craft.

I'm sorry your first attempts at connection left you feeling ghosted. Wanting genuine friendships rather than an endless stream of validation requests is completely valid. It's okay to set boundaries and look for people who want to trade stories, not just selfies. You'll find members here who prefer deeper, steadier conversation—about books, cooking experiments, baseball seasons that never quite leave our bones, witchy things and the mystery humming under everything, pets who run the house, and the everyday work of embracing ourselves. And yes, "I can't pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend" is a perfect line for that.

The vanity sounds like a lovely investment in you, even if flat-pack assembly tests the soul. Your "I'll bring the shovels and lye" line made me smile—that ride-or-die loyalty is exactly the kind of friendship that matters. There's something powerful about the way you honor the unseen energies and the natural world alongside your rich inner life and varied interests.

However you want to engage—through music threads, shared love of nature, or longer conversations about your journey—you're among friends who get it. Take your time, make yourself at home, and let us know what would make this space feel most welcoming for you.

I'm glad you're here!
Susan

[Talula98]

I know the feeling of frustration all too well. I thought I was an angry person, but a therapist showed me the difference between anger and frustration. She was exactly correct. I wasn't angry, I was frustrated!

That sounds a bit familiar, Lori.  Sometimes I do wonder if it is just frustration, not me really being angry.  I don't know, sometimes I just feel like I have a shorter fuse about some things than I wish I did.  Is some of this an offshoot from gender dysphoria?  Maybe.  I try not to let the thought that that causes all of my discontent, but I am sure it is a major player at times.

I just realized a posted a pic last week of my vanity mid-build, guess I'll follow that up with the finished product. I think that back and forth frustration came into play once I had built the vanity- I didn't actually use it for a few days.  I was like, "Did you really need this?!"  Answer:  Yes.  So now I have sat down and used it for the past three days.  I guess I need to get some makeup tips now, I typically only do a little eye makeup.  Just want to start learning how to do some subtle things to de-masculinize my face, nothing too crazy for now. 

Just had a nice moment with my ex (we still live together, going pretty well).  She said she was upset with me because she had a dream where I was going out on a date, with a woman, and I decided to go out as my male self.  I went out and bought a nice (mens) outfit, something much nicer than I ever wore in real life, then went out to a restaurant, saw my date wasn't good-looking, so I left!      So, I said, "So not only did you make me male, you turned me into a very shallow male!"  Then I was like, "Hello?!  Do you see me right now?"  I was wearing a cute sundress, with breast forms in, my hair was down (several inches past shoulder-length)with jewelry... She smiled, and said she was glad when she saw me wearing that after her dream.  I reminded her that yesterday when we went to the grocery that I was wearing a purple tunic, black skirt, full eye makeup, with flip flops so I could see my toenails that are painted a nice shade of purple.  So, it was nice to know that (sometimes) my brain can't even picture me as male any more.  I kind of had to laugh.  I may not always look super girly or whatever, but I am definitely a chick!  It makes me happy just saying that!  I will have to hold onto this moment when I have those days full of self-doubt.

[Lori Dee]

First off, that is a nice vanity! Good job.

What I learned is that my frustration lay just beneath the surface. When any little thing would go wrong, it would pop up and say, "See? Nothing is going right!" It wasn't a trigger itself; it just made me more sensitive to other triggers.

Did that feed into my dysphoria? Absolutely! This is where therapy plays a crucial role. It helps you to see that all of these things are not one huge disappointment. They are just a series of minor aggravations. Little things are easier to handle than one big, huge one.

By learning how to deal with the small stuff, I slowly chipped away at the big one. Soon enough, it became small enough to deal with, too.

Transition is a marathon, not a sprint. But it gets very easy to become impatient because we want it done NOW. You need to look at how many years it took you to learn how to be a male, then realize that cis-women spent that much time learning how to be feminine. We have to be patient, and it will happen.

For those of us who started later in life (I turn 68 in about a week), we worry that we won't be able to "get it done" during this lifetime. That causes us to get impatient, and then the frustration comes in because we can't get it all done now.

Take your time. Relax, and enjoy the ride. Watch videos about makeup, hair styling, fashion coordination, voice training, walking, posture, and so forth. Practice whenever you can. Some skills you will pick up quickly, and some will take more practice. You will get there.