Okay, so... this is the latest in the series of Lauren's Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way.
Lately I have been forcing myself to get out there and interact with people. I have suffered a lot of social anxiety for a lot of my life. But part of dealing with that is facing my fears. Feeling terrified and doing it anyway.
I am going to school soon to hopefully learn how to help people better. And part of that is actually meeting people. Like... for real. Not just behind a screen, which would be the easy option.
To that end, I attended a sort of induction period. To meet people and communicate with people. Which was hard, for me. I have felt like an outcast for most of my life, but I know that's mostly just because of how I feel about myself. People can tell you how to change... I've done that many times here... but when you're actually faced with that, words are easy. Actions are hard.
One of the things which came up was to talk about the things you like to do. And this was... well... let's just say that I felt very out of my element. Because the things I like to do are not what almost every other woman my age is supposed to like to do. I am a gamer chick. I am kind of a goth chick. And this year I will be closer to 50 than 40.
I sat there and listened to people talk about themselves and think... I should be like this. I should care about that. I need to fit in, in the same way. I was mortified about having to speak about myself because I am not like these people.
But... I can't lie. I am extremely bad at pretending to be someone I am not. Anyone within 20 miles could see through it in a heartbeat. So I just didn't even try. I wheeled myself to the front of the class, so to speak, and just laid it all out there. I love gaming. I love trance music, metal music, sometimes silly immature stuff that 17 year old people would giggle at. I love having long hair and the whole pink and black dichotomy... I kind of just bared my soul.
And no one laughed. No one made me feel bad. No one made me hate myself the way people made me feel bad when I was a kid.
Matter of fact, one guy came up to me after and told me he thought what I talked about was really cool, and he wished he knew more people like me. I make no secret about being trans, even though I can't transition. Either love me or don't, but I won't hide anymore. But this guy said he wanted to get to know me better. I wasn't ready for that. Wasn't sure how to deal with it. I kind of just smiled awkwardly. And agreed to exchange emails. I think he might be in my class when I start. He said something to that effect. We'll see.
But the point I want to make is this. Love who you are and love what you love. Don't hide behind what you think you have to be, in order to be who you are. If someone in the world appreciates that, they will appreciate it. And they are the people you want in your life.
I am learning a lot lately. A lot of changes, but a lot of changes for the better.
Love yourself. That is the first step to the rest of your life.
