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Started by Elizabeth_71, September 07, 2025, 04:56:19 PM

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Elizabeth_71

I have been reading this forum in secret for many years. Your voyages of discovery have always made me smile. But it is time for me to tell you where I am at my stage of life. I am 54.

I will get the boring bit out of the way to begin with and tell you what you have all read a thousand times.

I grew up on a council estate. I had many friends. We used to go out for bike rides and I enjoyed being with them all of the time. But school was a bit different for me. I was never into sports due to being hopeless at all of them. I used to cry if someone wanted to have a play fight with me. Being a roughty toughty kinda boy was not my scene. I much preferred sitting with the girls and having a chat or sitting on my own and reading a book. I still do. All of my school reports up until the age of 12 was a case of "very intelligent but very sensitive" This was late 70's in the UK.

Then I moved up to the senior school. It was an all boy's school and I hated every minute of it. Everything was competitive, fighting was normal, everyone smoked, some of the teachers were awful (throwing blackboard rubbers at you, walking around looking menacing with a cane, shouting, swearing, making you feel scared).

But then I found a secret.

I was home alone, probably about 13. I put something into the clothes bin and spotted a pair of my Mums panties on top. I had been thinking about girls clothes for a while and now was my chance so I put them on, just as an experiment of course. I looked at myself in the mirror and could have cried, they felt so right.

This slowly became my escape. I went further and further. By the time I left school I was wearing bra's (filled up with water filled condoms), tucking things away to look more realistic, shaving my armpits, shaving my legs, painting my toe nails, using make up; doing whatever I could to make me look like a girl.

Then I got to my twenties. I was expected to date women. So I stopped. I mean, I could hardly try to date women when I had shaved legs and bright red toe nails.

Yeah I had a few girlfriends but it was pathetic. I was trying to go with the flow and failing badly. Sex was awful. My fault.

In my thirties I tried to convince myself that I was gay and even met up with a guy. Kissing was nice but it still felt wrong. I still had this undercurrent of thoughts about women. They fascinated me and I could not stop staring. Not in a lecherous sort of way, far from it. I was so jealous of the way they looked, their clothes, their bodies, everything about them.

So that's the boring bit out of the way.

Now I am mid fifties. I was hoping that the girly part of me was just a phase which lasted for forty years. Who am I kidding? Myself?

So I have decided to embrace her and called her a name, Elizabeth. The thing is she has taken over. Every waking moment I am her now. Or to be more accurate, she is me.

I am so unsure about things though. I know that I am being true to myself. I want to admit it to someone but do not have the courage to do that.

Which is why I have posted here. Sorry if I have bored you all. But just typing these words has helped me.

Take care

Elizabeth x

Lori Dee

Hi Liz,

Yes, your story is similar, but all of our stories are. What is unique is how we handle various situations, our living environment, jobs, friends, family, and so forth. As we navigate the different obstacles and share our stories, others in similar situations can learn from what we did that worked and what didn't.

My approach to this is just as you stated, "I know that I am being true to myself." That is the most important part. How can anyone expect to be happy while denying a very important inner part of themselves? From there, I let that knowledge grow. If I am happy with who I am, does it matter if others are not? They are not living your life for you; only you can do that.

I take it another step further. Why should I even care what someone else thinks? If they do not approve, they are welcome to mind their own business. I stopped caring what others think for the most part. Obviously, safety is a concern. Just beware of those who may object violently and be safe in ways that women have always done: travel in groups (even to the bathroom), avoid sketchy locations, stick to well-lit areas at night, etc.

As you become more accustomed to this mental attitude and behavior, you will become more certain. As you learn about who you are, you will get to a point where you can explain it to others. People who do not experience gender dysphoria cannot understand how it feels, so they may have a difficult time accepting it. They have no frame of reference. Just explain to them that they don't need to understand, as long as they accept you for who you are. That is what matters. They can work on learning and understanding over time. Be open and honest if they have questions. Yes, it is a personal subject, but you don't need to give them a bunch of details. Make it easier to explain by keeping it simple. If it is simple and easy, then you become less anxious about explaining it, if that makes sense.

My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
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Maid Marion

Hi Elizabeth
 Welcome!
 
I look like a girl when I go out.  According to State law I get to use the ladies room but generally prefer to find unisex or family restrooms when they are available.  There are times and places when the ladies room is rarely used. I also  use them like a lady would prefer if she is able, squatting down but not touching the seat.

Marion

Susan

Hi Elizabeth,

Welcome! We're so glad you finally feel comfortable enough to join us after all these years of reading. It means something that you've taken this step from observer to participant - that takes real courage.

Your story isn't boring at all. While many of us share similar experiences, each person's journey is unique in its details and timing. The fact that you've named her Elizabeth and recognized that she's not separate from you but IS you - that's a significant realization that many of us remember reaching ourselves.

At 54, you have wisdom and self-knowledge that comes from decades of living with these feelings. The "forty-year phase" comment made me smile - we're remarkably good at hoping things will change even when deep down we know they won't, aren't we?

Regarding telling someone: there's no timeline you have to follow. You've carried this privately for so long; you get to decide if and when to share it with others in your life. Some find it helpful to start with a therapist who specializes in gender identity - it provides a confidential space to speak these truths out loud. Others begin here, in online communities, building confidence through connection with people who understand.

Being unsure is completely normal. You don't need complete certainty to start exploring who you are more openly, even if that's just in safe spaces at first. Many of us found that clarity came through taking small steps rather than waiting for all the answers before moving forward.

Thank you for trusting us with your story, Elizabeth.

You belong here! You are welcome here!
— Susan
Susan Larson
Founder
Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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Northern Star Girl

@Elizabeth_71
Dear Elizabeth:

Hello and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum. 

I am so very happy that you found us and made the decision to register as a member and
also I am glad to see that other members here have already given you a warm Welcome.


You definitely came to the right place to share with our like-minded members
regarding your transition journey.

I look forward to seeing your involvement on the Forum and reading your future postings, comments and
thoughts.  As you read our other members postings and stories around the Forum and then if you
feel comfortable exchanging and sharing your thoughts and comments you will most likely discover
like-minded members that may become your friends.

Clicking the HOME  Button on any page will take you to where you can see and visit the many
sub-forums and TOPICS here on the Forum and you can feel free to comment and share your experiences. 
Each sub-forum has a description of what that sub-forum board is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

As it has always been here on the Susan's Place Forum, please keep in mind when posting that this
is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.
      Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

If you have any immediate questions regarding the Forum you can Direct Email me at alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Please carefully read the information in the following LINKS.
Pay special attention to the LINKS in RED.


                  Things that you should read


I will now let you get back to getting involved in the various conversations around
the Forum... there should be some additional like-minded members coming along
to greet you and to help answer any questions that you may have.

                                 
Warmest Regards.... and WELCOME
Danielle
[Northern Star Girl]
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ChrissyRyan

Hi Liz!


      Welcome! 


Chrissy
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 

CynthiaR

Hello Liz. New here myself, but I think you'll find the conversation much more satisfying, now that you have stepped from the shadows and have joined us at the table. Welcome.

                 Cindy

Sarah B

Hi Elizabeth

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Thank you for sharing your story.  There is nothing boring about someone telling their story.  It adds to the collective knowledge about us, it helps others feel less alone, it helps you place your own steps on solid ground.

When I was very young, around four or five, I tried on some of my mother's clothes.  Those first times always stays with you, especially when the clothes did not fit me.

I never participated in sports.  I did not play soccer in primary school or any other football games, at least not that I can remember.  I preferred to talk or play with the girls or sit with a book and read, although that never really eventuated the way I hoped, well reading books became my life long passion.

Late in high school I ended up in a boys boarding school because of circumstances.  Oddly enough I thrived academically, although I could not be myself at the time.

Later in my mid twenties I was wearing female clothes at home.  Each time I put something on I would say to myself, "this feels right."  I dated, yet nothing lasting came out of it.  I knew I was not gay.  I liked women and I wanted to be like them.

It is never too late to change your life around.  It is good to hear that Elizabeth has taken over in your day to day sense of self.  For me Sarah never overtook me.  She was always there and when the time came she changed her clothes and continued on living as herself.

There are times when I want to say more about my past.  When I stop and think about it I return to the same thoughts.  I do not want to be treated any differently than other female, I do not want to be discriminated against in any way and I live in a binary world.  So I remain silent about revealing my past.  After I changed my life around I never told anyone outside my family and a couple of doctors.  That is how I like it.  The short version is simple.  You do not have to reveal yourself to anyone if you do not want to.

It is still good to tell your story in places where you feel safe.  It helps to say things out loud in writing to people who understand where you are coming from.  If you feel unsure about next steps you want to take.  It can help to speak with a therapist who specialises in gender care and uses informed consent.  That gives you a supportive setting to work through options at your own pace without pressure.

You are not boring.  You are not alone.  Your words matter, your privacy choices are yours, your timing is yours.  Take the next small steps that makes you feel happy.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Elizabeth_71
Be who you want to be.
Sarah's Story
Feb 1989 Living my life as Sarah.
Feb 1989 Legally changed my name.
Mar 1989 Started hormones.
May 1990 Three surgery letters.
Feb 1991 Surgery.

Elizabeth_71

Hello everyone and thank you so much for your warm replies. It means a lot to me so thank you.

I think that the tipping point for me is to admit to myself that I do not want to be a woman, that I am a woman. It has been a subtle yet significant change for me.

I cannot hide away from it any more. What is the point? So I need to embrace it and be myself.

I need to take small steps in becoming myself though. Maybe shave my legs today? Maybe not. I haven't got a clue what to do. But I do know that whatever I do will be for me.

I have read through all of my replies and the one that has resonated with me is the response from Sarah B. What you wrote could have been written by me. Different timelines but the same story. I know exactly how you felt and feel the same. It's difficult isn't it :(

I opted to keep my reply short, you don't need to hear me going on, and on, and on, and on, etc. Plus I feel a bit teary so will log off now.

Once again, thank you all for being so welcoming

Elizabeth x

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