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Started by Elizabeth_71, Yesterday at 04:56:19 PM

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Elizabeth_71

I have been reading this forum in secret for many years. Your voyages of discovery have always made me smile. But it is time for me to tell you where I am at my stage of life. I am 54.

I will get the boring bit out of the way to begin with and tell you what you have all read a thousand times.

I grew up on a council estate. I had many friends. We used to go out for bike rides and I enjoyed being with them all of the time. But school was a bit different for me. I was never into sports due to being hopeless at all of them. I used to cry if someone wanted to have a play fight with me. Being a roughty toughty kinda boy was not my scene. I much preferred sitting with the girls and having a chat or sitting on my own and reading a book. I still do. All of my school reports up until the age of 12 was a case of "very intelligent but very sensitive" This was late 70's in the UK.

Then I moved up to the senior school. It was an all boy's school and I hated every minute of it. Everything was competitive, fighting was normal, everyone smoked, some of the teachers were awful (throwing blackboard rubbers at you, walking around looking menacing with a cane, shouting, swearing, making you feel scared).

But then I found a secret.

I was home alone, probably about 13. I put something into the clothes bin and spotted a pair of my Mums panties on top. I had been thinking about girls clothes for a while and now was my chance so I put them on, just as an experiment of course. I looked at myself in the mirror and could have cried, they felt so right.

This slowly became my escape. I went further and further. By the time I left school I was wearing bra's (filled up with water filled condoms), tucking things away to look more realistic, shaving my armpits, shaving my legs, painting my toe nails, using make up; doing whatever I could to make me look like a girl.

Then I got to my twenties. I was expected to date women. So I stopped. I mean, I could hardly try to date women when I had shaved legs and bright red toe nails.

Yeah I had a few girlfriends but it was pathetic. I was trying to go with the flow and failing badly. Sex was awful. My fault.

In my thirties I tried to convince myself that I was gay and even met up with a guy. Kissing was nice but it still felt wrong. I still had this undercurrent of thoughts about women. They fascinated me and I could not stop staring. Not in a lecherous sort of way, far from it. I was so jealous of the way they looked, their clothes, their bodies, everything about them.

So that's the boring bit out of the way.

Now I am mid fifties. I was hoping that the girly part of me was just a phase which lasted for forty years. Who am I kidding? Myself?

So I have decided to embrace her and called her a name, Elizabeth. The thing is she has taken over. Every waking moment I am her now. Or to be more accurate, she is me.

I am so unsure about things though. I know that I am being true to myself. I want to admit it to someone but do not have the courage to do that.

Which is why I have posted here. Sorry if I have bored you all. But just typing these words has helped me.

Take care

Elizabeth x

Lori Dee

Hi Liz,

Yes, your story is similar, but all of our stories are. What is unique is how we handle various situations, our living environment, jobs, friends, family, and so forth. As we navigate the different obstacles and share our stories, others in similar situations can learn from what we did that worked and what didn't.

My approach to this is just as you stated, "I know that I am being true to myself." That is the most important part. How can anyone expect to be happy while denying a very important inner part of themselves? From there, I let that knowledge grow. If I am happy with who I am, does it matter if others are not? They are not living your life for you; only you can do that.

I take it another step further. Why should I even care what someone else thinks? If they do not approve, they are welcome to mind their own business. I stopped caring what others think for the most part. Obviously, safety is a concern. Just beware of those who may object violently and be safe in ways that women have always done: travel in groups (even to the bathroom), avoid sketchy locations, stick to well-lit areas at night, etc.

As you become more accustomed to this mental attitude and behavior, you will become more certain. As you learn about who you are, you will get to a point where you can explain it to others. People who do not experience gender dysphoria cannot understand how it feels, so they may have a difficult time accepting it. They have no frame of reference. Just explain to them that they don't need to understand, as long as they accept you for who you are. That is what matters. They can work on learning and understanding over time. Be open and honest if they have questions. Yes, it is a personal subject, but you don't need to give them a bunch of details. Make it easier to explain by keeping it simple. If it is simple and easy, then you become less anxious about explaining it, if that makes sense.

My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
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Maid Marion

Hi Elizabeth
 Welcome!
 
I look like a girl when I go out.  According to State law I get to use the ladies room but generally prefer to find unisex or family restrooms when they are available.  There are times and places when the ladies room is rarely used. I also  use them like a lady would prefer if she is able, squatting down but not touching the seat.

Marion

Susan

Hi Elizabeth,

Welcome! We're so glad you finally feel comfortable enough to join us after all these years of reading. It means something that you've taken this step from observer to participant - that takes real courage.

Your story isn't boring at all. While many of us share similar experiences, each person's journey is unique in its details and timing. The fact that you've named her Elizabeth and recognized that she's not separate from you but IS you - that's a significant realization that many of us remember reaching ourselves.

At 54, you have wisdom and self-knowledge that comes from decades of living with these feelings. The "forty-year phase" comment made me smile - we're remarkably good at hoping things will change even when deep down we know they won't, aren't we?

Regarding telling someone: there's no timeline you have to follow. You've carried this privately for so long; you get to decide if and when to share it with others in your life. Some find it helpful to start with a therapist who specializes in gender identity - it provides a confidential space to speak these truths out loud. Others begin here, in online communities, building confidence through connection with people who understand.

Being unsure is completely normal. You don't need complete certainty to start exploring who you are more openly, even if that's just in safe spaces at first. Many of us found that clarity came through taking small steps rather than waiting for all the answers before moving forward.

Thank you for trusting us with your story, Elizabeth.

You belong here! You are welcome here!
— Susan
Susan Larson
Founder
Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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Northern Star Girl

@Elizabeth_71
DearElizabeth:

Hello and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum. 

I am so very happy that you found us and made the decision to register as a member and
also I am glad to see that other members here have already given you a warm Welcome.


You definitely came to the right place to share with our like-minded members
regarding your transition journey.

I look forward to seeing your involvement on the Forum and reading your future postings, comments and
thoughts.  As you read our other members postings and stories around the Forum and then if you
feel comfortable exchanging and sharing your thoughts and comments you will most likely discover
like-minded members that may become your friends.

Clicking the HOME  Button on any page will take you to where you can see and visit the many
sub-forums and TOPICS here on the Forum and you can feel free to comment and share your experiences. 
Each sub-forum has a description of what that sub-forum board is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

As it has always been here on the Susan's Place Forum please keep in mind when posting that this
is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.
      Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

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I will now let you get back to getting involved in the various conversations around
the Forum... there should be some additional like-minded members coming along
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Danielle
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