Hello at last.

[Elizabeth71]

Hi Lori Dee.

Your mention of people starting out as cross dressing then realising that they were transgender strikes a chord with me.

I started out in my very early teens. I began to wear my Mum's clothing in secret. I just guessed that I was a cross dresser and it was a fetish type thing, something that I would grow out of. But a big secret of mine. I hated myself but loved it at the same time. In hindsight I hated the fact that I loved dressing up.

But it snowballed in my late teens and I started to shave my legs, wear toe nail varnish and do anything possible to look more authentically female, tucking things away, socks in a bra, you name it I tried it. I still hadn't realised. This was pre internet days so I was very much on my own.

It wasn't until years later that I said to myself "Hey hold on. So why is it that I like to do my best to look and act like a woman? Why are all of my thoughts feminine? Why are all of my friends female? Why do I have no male friends? Why do I look at a woman and not want to be with her, but to be her? That's not normal". But still I could not admit it.

But time marches on. Time isn't something that I can stop and neither are my deeply hidden thoughts. So I need to speak to other people that feel the same way which is why I am here.

But I cannot ever see myself discussing this with a therapist, doctor, dentist or ventriloquist (lol)

But being more serious I asked my wife this afternoon if I could wear one of her dresses. She said yes and we had a good laugh about how well it fitted me. The thing is, it's not the first time that I have worn her clothes but we always laugh it off. But she does know that I like it a bit too much. I guess that at some point I am going to have to have a serious chat with her about possibly being transgender. To be honest though she already knows. She always calls me her wife.

But that's a conversation for another day.

In the meantime I will keep up with the forum and try to offer help if I can or seek help if I think that this is the right place.

Take care everyone 💗

Elizabeth x

[Petunia]

Hi Elizabeth,
I can't tell you how happy your post made me feel. I'm 5 years older than you and so much of what you wrote resonates with me. I'm not female and I don't think I'm trans but things like wanting to hang out with the girls. I can't remember the number of time I've gone out with my wife and a group of her friends as the lone guy.

I had to laugh when you mentioned the shaved legs and red toenails as that's that's what I can see as I type this.

I think you are close to the same realization I have. If not now, when. We can keep putting off the feelings but it just eats you up.

I really look forward to hearing how your journey continues. You can't change the past but you can guide your future.

Sending you peace and love

P.   

[Elizabeth71]

Hi Petunia

What I have come to realise is that being trans isn't a simple tick box exercise. You can do as many "Am I trans" online quizzes, watch all of the You Tube stuff or read as many  blogs as you want. But ultimately you already know. My attitude is that if I wasn't trans I wouldn't even consider trying a meaningless quiz to find out. I mean, how many "non trans" guys would even think to Google it?

You are totally right about the feeling not going away. I have tried to keep it hidden away for years, hoping that one day it will disappear. But it never will, it's always been there just bubbling under the surface. Now the feeling has come to the boil and I have decided to stop running away from it, to stop hiding from myself. I haven't got a clue how to though.. apart from visiting a ventriloquist lol.

As you said, I can't hide the past but I can guide the future. I just need the confidence to do so.

Thank you for your reply and be nice to yourself 😊

Elizabeth x