Middle aged and sick of hiding...but petrified of what's to come

[CynthiaR]

Hello all. Guess I'll try to introduce myself. I'm Cynthia or just Cindy, and I'm 50. Guess I've always known I was, ahem, "different". Some of my early memories are wanting to paint my nails or do up my hair. As soon as I was aware that my parents were suspicious, I buried myself inside and hid behind the mask. I've spent over 40 years introverted, ashamed of who I am, and scared to death that I'd slip up and be found out. I am so tired of hiding and pretending. A couple of weeks ago, I finally plucked up enough courage to contact a local clinic that provides gender affirming care and made an appointment for a consultation. This is the first that I've ever revealed who I am. I can't even begin to put my feelings into words and my hands are just shaking. I have a wife and two kids. I can only imagine how they're going to react when I finally find the courage to come out to those I care about. It honestly feels selfish of me to even consider it. I sincerely pray that I am making the right choice. If there's anyone that has advice to offer, or that can point me in the direction of local resources, I'm in western NY. Thank you all for allowing me to kinda ramble on and get this off my chest. Guess it's not much of an introduction, but it's unscripted and fired off from the hip, lol.

[Maid Marion]

Hi Cindy,

Welcome!

Western NY is out my comfortable driving distance by quite a ways--about double the time/distance of my long trips to Provincetown.

Marion

[Northern Star Girl]

@CynthiaR
Dear Cynthia:
Hello and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum. 
I am so very glad that you found us and made the decision to register as a member here.

You definitely came to the right place to share with our like-minded members regarding your transition journey.

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[CynthiaR]

@Maid Marion Can't say I'd ever expect someone to consider coming to meet me. Appreciate the support. Thank you. @Northern Star Girl Yes, the forum format is new to me and will take me a bit to learn to use effectvely. Please bear with me as I bumble along.

[Lori Dee]

Hi Cindy,

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Relax. You are among friends here. The anxiety you are experiencing is very common for those who are just beginning to figure out who they are inside.

If you read some of our members' stories, I think you will see just how much we all have in common. You will also find that many of our members were/are married with children, and how they navigated that part of their journey.

It will not be easy. There will be good times and bad. But you are not alone in this. Read that again. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. We are here to offer advice, lend an ear when you need to vent, a shoulder when you need support, and we will cheer you on as you advance along your journey.

I am happy that you found a clinic and have a consultation. That is a very important first step. Will that include a therapist? If not, seek one out who has experience with gender identities. They can help answer questions you may have, even help you explain things to your spouse and children. If you get comfortable, it doesn't hurt to invite your spouse to a therapy session. That allows them to get answers to their questions. It provides you a chance to hear what her questions are, and she can hear what questions you have, and you both hear the answers from someone who knows what is going on.

When to talk to her about this is up to you. You must be comfortable doing so to make it go a little easier. How you tell her is also up to you. The important part is trust and honesty. You will be trusting her with something very personal, so it is important to be honest about it, lest you be accused of hiding something. This is all new for you, so it will be new for her too. I am hopeful that she will be willing to stand by you and walk this journey with you together.

If you want to check out some of the member stories here, you can find them in the Member Blogs section.

We also have a section specifically set aside for Significant Others and for resources, check out our Support Groups forum.

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.