Need to have a vagina, but at the same time desire masculinity? So confused =/

[Matthieu]

I've been browsing these forums knowing I have a pending issue that will eventually need to be addressed. I'm a seemingly normal 40 yo male married to a beautiful woman but in an increasingly way absolutely detest my penis and need a vagina instead. This is not a choice or option, it just has to be in order for me to continue to exist. I have always been enthralled with the vagina but always thought it was because I was a man and naturally loved vagina.

But after a few years of having constant access to vagina, my wife, I started to realize it's just not enough. I have constant urges to wear women's underwear and really desire a vagina, I don't know why. At this point it's making me depressed and I'm drinking so much, I jest u need it to stop.

I've scheduled an online gender therapist schedule to address these issues so hopefully this helps.  But I would like to hear from anyone who has ever suffered from these same pressures.

I don't consider myself a transsexual but experiencing these feelings makes me feel I have a lot in common with those who are transsexuals. This is really weird and impactful, and only feeling issues about my genitalia, I can only imagine what you all must experience going from mtf or ftm, you guys are absolutely amazing in order to do that, seriously, mad propps :-)

[Jessica Merriman]

I don't consider myself a transsexual

Well, one thing I know is cis people do not have the kind of thought's you are having. You might start getting used to the term transgender because I believe you are. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of though. Why be ashamed to be different from others out there? Yes, being transgender will more than likely cause you issue's in your marriage. That is something we all had to face, but gender Dysphoria (the thoughts causing you discomfort of your genitals) does not just go away. It gets worse every single day until it is dealt with. Finding a good therapist is a good call on your part and maybe you can both get to the bottom of this and find a treatment that will allow your marriage to continue. Statistics say though things will never be the same unfortunately.  🙂

[Taka]

a transsexual is most often defined as a person who wants to transition completely into a body typical of the opposite sex, and live as that gender for the rest of their life. they would often have wanted this to happen much earlier. so chances are, you're not transsexual.

but under the transgender umbrella, there are lots of interesting things other than just transsexual. the unicorn forest where we non-binary folks like to hang out, most likely has a good place to stay for a man with a vagina too. and if there is none, i will make one for you.

still, i'm not sure you'll be able to find a gender therapist who'd write you a letter for surgery unless you display some more feminine traits (discrimination, imo). or, you might be able to find a surgeon who's willing to do it without a letter. maybe. i've never tried what you're wanting to do, though that's how i'm most likely to end up if i transition... so much easier to get that result as ftm.

what does your wife think of this, btw?

[Monkeymel]

It seems you are the third person here within a week looking towards being a man with a vagina rather than transitioning and undergoing real life experience as a woman. There is nothing wrong with that - certainly it is important to have a therapist who understands and comprehend this.

As I wrote in another recent introduction thread - be careful not to romantacise about having a vagina - especially one created from your male anatomy. It is a major body upgrade, requires a lot of healing (mental, physical, spiritual), a lot more daily aftercare (every pee, dilation etc) and there is no going back. It may cost your marriage (unless your wife is totally happy with the idea).

Talk with a therapist. Find a good one who you can trust and will listen and ask thoughtful questions. They do exist. And spend some time talking with non binary peoples.

[jody]

well theres nothing wrong with beng a butch female. if you look up buck angel you can see how it can be from the female side. gender identity is not the same as presentation. of course talking to a therapist and making sure its not just a fantasy desire that would go away once you lost the testosterone is important. there are trans people out there who feel the same or are close to the gender split. let me tell you i have seen women that look more male than a cis man and they are not trans just very un femanine. like others have said for most of us being female is the overiding drive, how you express that is up to you. for me i have the attitude that with a fem body then there is no argument however i present and my brain doesnt relate to a male body.

[pianoforte]

I'm ftm/non-binary, and I like my vagina. Hate the chest. Want to be known as masculine. I feel like that's perfectly legitimate and my gender therapist agrees.

Mtf folk could tell you more about their experiences with constructed vaginas, which are definitely their own experience. I admit I am pretty ignorant on the subject, and there is a LOT to know and learn.

There is room for a lot more gender diversity in this world than many people realize. I know of several (ftm) transmen with vaginas who are content with who they are. I don't see why the possibilities wouldn't be the same for a biological male with a vagina.

It's definitely important to assess the consequences of a decision to go forward with surgical transition. If you can find a gender therapist who specializes in non-binary identities, that might be a good place to start.

Note: sorry if I am repeating anything that was already said. I started writing this post several hours ago, and I'm not sure if the tapatalk app will give me a chance to re-edit my post before submitting.

[Matthieu]

what does your wife think of this, btw?

I completely agree with everything you stated. But as for my wife, she would completely freak out. She has her own issues to deal with (toxic shame is the best and most accurate label I could place on it knowing her background) so that definitely doesn't help.


And as for all of the other replies I really appreciate it, in my mind I'm used to thinking this is absolutely nuts but to hear similar and logical explanations for it really makes a difference, so again thank you :-) 

I think tonight I might sleep just a little easier, which is precious in and of itself.

[Taka]

sleep easy, dear, knowing that you are not a freak.
uncommon body maps are still common enough that there are all kinds of diagnoses for it, probably wrongly defined as mental disorders. it's in the hard-wiring, not some odd type of malware installed by traumatic situations.

what you end up doing about this is up to you. advice from a therapist is something i also recommend that you seek.
not because i think you are wrong about your own body map, but because changing your body in any way will have consequences. physical, social, or it may ruin the relationship with your wife.

sometimes, it's a choice between living with one leg or six fingers on each hand, or losing something precious and dear to you.
i know at least one woman here who has decided not to transition in anything other than clothing, because more than that would mean losing her family. it's a respectful decision to endure pain for someone you love. but there are others who've had to choose their own sanity over the wife, nothing wrong with that either.

there are sunnier stories too, of course. many who are staying with their understanding and loving spouse.
but knowing the risks and benefits and thinking it through before doing anything, or choosing to do nothing, is important.

[Julia-Madrid]

I have a male internet friend who was always very clear that he wanted to remain male and operate as a male in society, but who also wanted a vagina.  He achieved this, so he is very definitely a man with a vagina.  From our discussions, he is a very content and well adjusted person, with a partner who values him enormously.

There are many gender identity and orientation models.  I do not judge.

[Taka]

as i suspected, the stories i've read (but can't remember where) about men who want a vagina are true.
some really do this. some women might also want to do the opposite thing if only it were possible to make a functional penis of an aesthetically pleasing size.

[Jen682]

If you did SRS for a vagina, you would certainly also be castrated.  That would require ongoing testosterone to maintain the masculine traits (hair/beard, muscle strength, stamina, dominance, etc.).  If you didn't do the T, your libido would decrease so much you might not care so much about being masculine.

On the other hand, if you kept your penis & testicles, you and your wife could probably continue, as is.

I cannot imagine wanting to shed your penis and testicles without first doing HRT to develop breasts.  Maybe that's just me.  But do be aware that there will probably be many unintended consequences of such a change.  Have you told your wife you're considering this?  If you care about her and her companionship, I think it best to get her input.

Good luck!

Jen

[jody]

i agree with the diference n a guy wanting a vagina and transitioning for one thing they stay male in name ect. thing is have they transitioned as they have female anatomy so they are roughly in the same position as a trans man.now i do realize that for a trans man male genitalia is probably high on the wish list so more of a gender prsentation change than a guy just having a vagina. but as someone who belives in equality for all then if thats what they want then why not. one i have seen on the net is joe mangina  who now wants something of a reversal. i dont mind been seen as a bit butch but i want my boobs as well as everything else so im female with no doubts. i also dont think some of these guys consider the long term effects of having a vagina, it may seem a great thing to do now but in x number of years will they still feel the same as maybe its not ben done as part of a true female desire.

[Taka]

when a man wants a vagina, it has nothing to do with a female desire. he's a man after all.

it's easy to say that there may be regrets. we are all met with that word way too often.

sure, there is a possibility of regret. but i'd rather choose that, than maintaining a state that keeps me unhappy, uncomfortable, dysphoric.

sometimes, it really is only about getting the right body parts. not about social gender, gender presentation, an inherent experience of being some gender that doesn't fit with one's current body.

men with vaginas already exist. men who are a whole lot more cis than trans, but still go through hrt just to get srs.
what they'll have to do later isn't just going on t instead of e. they'll also often have to remove unwanted breast growth.

isn't it weird that you should be required to grow body parts that you don't want, just to get the one that you need?

i don't find this weirder than women who get a mastectomy because all their female relatives have gotten breast cancer, and they don't want to take that risk.
or women who get a hysterectomy simply because menstruation causes them so much pain that they'd rather choose sterility.
if a man's penis and lack of a vagina causes him so much mental anguish that he can hardly bear to live, wouldn't it be better to give him the opportunity of vaginoplasty without having to pretend to be a woman? (because he's a man. just doing this to get the right body parts for himself)

[jody]

 i dont think the docs can cope with the concept of a man with a vagina. really its partial gender dysphoria and why shouldnt they get what they want for that reason. would society just consider them trans men???

[Julia-Madrid]

i dont think the docs can cope with the concept of a man with a vagina. really its partial gender dysphoria and why shouldnt they get what they want for that reason. would society just consider them trans men???

Hi Jody

The medical profession went nuts with my friend, so you are right.  He had to go through the entire M2F psychological process, and then of course the surgery and post-surgical follow up.  He basically had to invent a gender story that was not true in order to get his surgery.

Honestly, his GRS surgeon and psychologist were both extremely upset, and I do understand their point of view too:  both are professional people who want to be seen to be adhering to agreed standard of care, and for very good professional reasons.  But even in the USA, which virtually guarantees everone the self-realisation that they desire, there are still strong sensitivities, as well as the very real possibility of a medical professional being pursued through a legal malpractise suite due to post-op regret.

None of this is easy or clear-cut.

Julia

[jody]

to go through the transition and hrt to get what he wanted does show a commitment. i wonder if he has female feelings but just wants to stay himself with a vagina. i can relate partly to it, without being crude when i have sex im all female and long for the bits. i also feel female away from the bed so want to transition but have wondered hat im on the butch side of fem. i want all the bits as well but i do know that feeling of the wrong bits, it bites so deep.

[KikiOnKiki87]

Agreed 100%

[Allie Jayne]

The OP might fall under the trans umbrella, but may not be transsexual. It is becoming more common for people to pursue different sports of gender surgery, and for different reasons than just being Gender Incongruent. There may be psychological reasons for someone wishing to change genitals or simply be rid of the genitals they have. This is where an experienced gender psychologist fits in. They can test to see if someone has a psychological cause for their discomfort, and it may be better treated psychologically (this would entail finding the driver for discomfort, possibly a trauma or other psychological condition, and treating to minimise the impact). If they fail to find a psychological cause, exploring transition may be indicated.

I believe we are still a long way from fully understanding these issues, and that there are many causes to yet be identified. The OP did not indicate they were uncomfortable with their gender, but just their genitals. At the time this thread was posted, to get SRS, the standards required a real life test in which the OP would have been forced to demonstrate that they could function as a woman. Thankfully, this test is losing credibility as more knowledge is gained.

I know I had life long Gender Dysphoria, yet I was not unhappy with my assigned sex. I enjoyed my life at a basic level, but I did have dysphoria triggers and genitals were one of the main triggers. I decided many times in my life that transition was not right for me, but when my dysphoria was destroying my health, it was obvious I needed to remove triggers. To do this I had to transition, and my surgeon did require a year of living as a woman. Post SRS, my dysphoria was almost gone, and I realised that if I could have just have had the surgery, I might have been able to continue my male life. I would still have some dysphoria, but I wouldn't have had to put my loved ones through me going through social and medical transition.

The traditional route was not right for me, and I suspect many others, and maybe, in years to come, we will understand the broad range of gender issues better and find more appropriate solutions.

Hugs,

Allie