I’ve carried this so long

[IsobelWoods]

I'm new to this site, I have lurked in the background for a long time though. Today I saw a post by Elizabeth_71 and it really resonated with me. So much that I am sharing my own story here in case it helps anyone else.

I loved reading through the responses and found validation in them for who I am. I am a woman who was born with a man's body. I've been living a life of confusion and struggle for over 50 years now.

Like many have said here the feelings of needing to show and express my gender identity have grown more and more over time. I can recall my early teenage years in the cycle of dressing in private and being confused and guilt ridden. The one rainy night when my family was away and I went for a walk around the area I lived dressed as myself, safely hidden under an umbrella feeling a sense of euphoria.

Later in my life I tried to put my identity down to just being a habit, I liked to dress in women's clothes but it doesn't mean anything I'd tell myself. I pushed back hard and tried to be the man to deny myself.

I met my wife and for a while was just ok being a man. My voice didn't go away though, when my wife went on a work trip for two weeks I spent the time every evening dressed and, in my low skill way, made up. I stayed in the house each evening but lived as myself. I bought some clothes online so I had my own things, my own possessions. It was hard at the end of the two weeks but I had to purge, the feeling I've had often. Normally I don't have time to do this, it feels like I'm cheating as I want to be able to have time alone to try add look a bit more like myself.

I found myself daydreaming more frequently as I've got older, seeing myself and imagining life. I've felt guilty at wishing I could have a new life just as me. I experience anxiety now because I can't change and align myself, it manifests occasionally physically. It's begun to interrupt my work as well with my thoughts just focused on a need to tell the world who I really am.

I want to thank everyone in this site for the love and support you show to each other and to the community we have overall. I'm scared about the future but also glad to know that I'm not alone, in the 80's & 90's and even the early 2000's I had no idea this loving community existed.

Thank you

[MsLeigh]

I seen myself in your story. I have gone through a roller coaster as I have discovered myself especially the last few years. This site has been strength, friendship, and love from the members. I am feeling better each day but I lack a strong personality to stand out as the person I am. Hang in there and use the good people here for a sounding block. It was so good for me to read your post.

Love,
Leigh

[Pema]

Hi, Isobel, and welcome.

I'm glad you took the step of joining us and sharing your story. Know that others will see what you've said and will relate to some elements of it.

It sounds like you're increasingly accepting who you are and allowing yourself to be that person. Yes, the uncertainty of the future can be daunting, but the truth is that that is always so, whether we're transgender or not.

No matter what you choose to do from here, you will always find like-minded people here who will listen and understand.

With love,
Pema

[Maid Marion]

Hi IsobelWoods,

Welcome!  Can you tell your wife?  Can  you not tell your wife?  Such a difficult issue.

Marion

[IsobelWoods]

Hi IsobelWoods,

Welcome!  Can you tell your wife?  Can  you not tell your wife?  Such a difficult issue.

Marion

I'm hoping I'm using the quote feature correctly here!

Hi Maid Marion (love your name!)

I don't feel I can tell my wife, but that is down to my own fear of rejection. I am so scared of that it stops me. I've tried approaching the subject before, from a super high level. But the sense I got was that she would not like it. But this is mainly me filling in the gaps.

I've lived life needing to present as myself more openly but terrified by the consequences. I don't want to hurt her, I don't know how to move forward though.

[IsobelWoods]

Hi, Isobel, and welcome.

I'm glad you took the step of joining us and sharing your story. Know that others will see what you've said and will relate to some elements of it.

It sounds like you're increasingly accepting who you are and allowing yourself to be that person. Yes, the uncertainty of the future can be daunting, but the truth is that that is always so, whether we're transgender or not.

No matter what you choose to do from here, you will always find like-minded people here who will listen and understand.

With love,
Pema

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful welcome Pema.

Truth is I've been in denial for so long. I was angry and now am just upset at feeling somehow trapped. I agree with your point about the future and the uncertainty it brings, it is daunting and scary as hell. The waves of self recognition are getting bigger and more frequent.

This site though is a treasure to me, it gives me a lot of strength and I'm sending as much as I can out to you all

[IsobelWoods]

I seen myself in your story. I have gone through a roller coaster as I have discovered myself especially the last few years. This site has been strength, friendship, and love from the members. I am feeling better each day but I lack a strong personality to stand out as the person I am. Hang in there and use the good people here for a sounding block. It was so good for me to read your post.

Love,
Leigh

Sending much love to you Leigh, I'm sat with you on this roller coaster.

I'm happy to hear my post helped you, it was helpful for he to write it for sure.

[Lori Dee]

Hello Isobel,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I am happy that you joined us and are settling in nicely. Strictly for housekeeping purposes, I will move this thread over into our Introductions Forum. The link will remain the same, and all of our members will still be able to see it and continue to interact with you.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at LoriDee605 @outlook.com, or Sarah B at SarahatSusans @Proton.me, or our Forum Administrator, Danielle (Northern Star Girl) at AlaskanDanielle @yahoo.com.

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~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@IsobelWoods
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[IsobelWoods]

Thank you so much for the welcome @Lori Dee

This is a big step for me and a I hope to be a good friend and ally to our community here and everywhere.

[Susan]

Hi Isobel,

I'm so glad you stepped out of the shadows to share this. That rainy-night walk under an umbrella—moving through the world as yourself, safely hidden yet utterly alive—stayed with me. It captures how many of us have lived: brief moments of euphoria stolen between long stretches of hiding.

What I hear in your story isn't confusion; it's a woman who's been negotiating with herself for fifty years. The purge cycles, the "it's just a habit" reasoning, the determined effort to "be the man" and deny yourself—those aren't signs of uncertainty. They're proof of how hard you fought against something that was always true.

The voice never goes quiet because it *is* you. Your heart and body are asking for congruence—for your outside life to finally match what's been true inside all along.

About your wife: I hear both love and terror. Fear of rejection can get so loud it fills every blank with the worst-case answer, and right now you're making decisions for both of you based on what you *think* she'll say. That's a lonely place to live. You don't have to open that door before you're ready, and "not yet" can be a wise, loving choice.

When you are ready—on your timetable—you won't need perfect words or a complete roadmap. Begin with the simplest truth: you love her; this has been with you for a very long time; speaking it is about honesty, not betrayal. Many couples find that gentle, paced conversations—feelings before decisions—change the air in the room. She may surprise you. She may need time. But she deserves the chance to know—and to love—all of you.

The anxiety, the disruption at work, the growing waves of self-recognition—these are your whole being saying something needs to shift. Living in fear and denial carries its own cost, and it compounds over time. A confidential space with a gender-affirming therapist can give you room to breathe while you sort this at your own speed. It isn't a commitment to any particular outcome; it's permission to tell the truth without bracing for catastrophe.

You've found language for what you've carried. You've found community. You were heard. Whether you post every day or simply read for a while, you belong here exactly as you are—not who you might be someday, but who you are today.

You deserve mornings that begin in peace instead of dread. You deserve days that feel like home in your own skin. You deserve to look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back—to live not only in borrowed moments when no one's watching, but throughout your whole, beautiful life.

You're not alone anymore, Isobel. We see you. We've got you.

Welcome home, sister. 💜

[Sarah B]

Hi Isobel

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

I'm really glad you posted.  Your story will resonate with a lot of folks here, because many of us have walked versions of the same path the private dressing, the cycles of guilt, the euphoric moments of being yourself, the purges, the daydreaming, the anxiety, the longing.  You are not alone.

If you can, consider finding a therapist who specializes in gender identity.  Your story in your introduction sounds like gender dysphoria or gender identity incongruence.  A good therapist can help you sort through possible options, pace of change, boundaries, relationships and practical next steps.

There's nothing wrong with wearing the clothes that make you feel comfortable.  In my case, when I dressed as a female I never thought of it as crossdressing, I just told myself, "it just feels right".  That feeling matters and just like how you described walking in the rain as yourself under the umbrella and having an euphoric moment is just another way of saying, "it just feels right".

Many of us learned the hard way that suppressing those thoughts, then purging everything, only makes the next wave hit harder.  There are plenty of members here on Susan's who can attest to that.  For me, the feelings of wanting or longing to live as female only grew stronger and stronger over time until I changed my life around.

You are brave for sharing all this.  You are in the right place, we are here to listen, support, celebrate small wins and comfort you during the hard parts.  You are never too old to change your life around.  What you choose is up to you and only you.  Whether you take small steps, big steps, or none at all.  We will be here for you.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@IsobelWoods

[IsobelWoods]

Thank you so much @Susan and @Sarah B - incredibly kind and welcoming.

The concept of feeling just right when I wear an item of female clothing or a piece of jewellery or have some scent tells me a lot. I doesn't feel performative (at least as best as I can tell). I don't like seeing myself in a mirror though, I struggle with that a lot. In the rare time I can dress (Once this year) I just cannot bear to see myself as it reinforces the view that I have a male body.

I have started with a therapist and being able to say my name is Isobel and just have a friendly smile back and a "nice to meet you" from her was wonderful - and I cried a lot.

I think about the analogy of a balloon being held underwater for how I am feeling. The balloon is filling with air all the time and it wants to come to the surface, I want it to but something within me holds it down. The longer this goes on the more air fills it and the harder it becomes to hold it down. That anxiety of trying to keep this below the surface and, sometimes, fighting it take a lot from me and are consuming me more and more now.

I'm here to share but also to listen and where I can support others.

Much love to you both and to everyone here

Isobel

[Lori Dee]

I don't like seeing myself in a mirror though, I struggle with that a lot. In the rare time I can dress (Once this year) I just cannot bear to see myself as it reinforces the view that I have a male body.

For the longest time, I felt this way exactly. To have family members comment that I "looked just like Grandpa" was a stab to my heart. I had been experimenting with makeup for quite a while, learning what works for me and what doesn't. One morning, everything fell into place. The makeup was as good as I could get it, so I put on my wig.

For the first time, when I looked in the mirror, I saw Lori. I was so overwhelmed by it, I even commented to the mirror, saying, "Hello. I know you!" I then snapped a picture in the mirror, and that is my profile picture.

What that taught me is to see past the facade to find myself in that image. I began to see her more and more often, even without makeup. Eventually, the hormones did their work and softened my skin and facial features. I don't look like Grandpa anymore.

Don't lose hope. Don't be afraid to find her in the mirror. She is in there; you just need to see past the image you have been programmed to see all of your life. When you do see her, you will suddenly realize that you know that person in the mirror. Then it becomes easier to see her.

Isobel is there, just waiting for you to find her. Hang in there.

[IsobelWoods]

For the first time, when I looked in the mirror, I saw Lori. I was so overwhelmed by it, I even commented to the mirror, saying, "Hello. I know you!" I then snapped a picture in the mirror, and that is my profile picture.

Its a beautiful photo, I'm so glad you captured that moment.

I really do hope to be able to look at myself in the mirror at some point, it will come I guess. I'll just have to try and keep patient

[Sarah B]

Hi Isobel

Thank you for sharing.  What you describe does not feel performative to me either.  It is simply just, "being you".

Your balloon image makes a lot of sense.  The pressure builds up because you have held so much down for so long.  Naming it out loud already changes things.

I was never one for mirrors.  When I changed my life around I barely had time to look except when putting on makeup or brushing my teeth!  I was busy working, socialising, going to university, living day to day.  I did not question what I was doing.  Back then I did not have the information we have now so I just saw me.

It is good to hear that you are seeing a therapist.  From what you wrote it already sounds helpful.  As you keep talking with her those feelings will have room to rise.  The anxiety, the struggle and the fight can come to the surface, then you will be able to breathe finally.

Listening to other members stories and sharing your own is what Susan's Place is all about.  As I said in my welcoming message, I like listening to others so that I can learn something new.

Take care and all the best for the future and your dreams.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@IsobelWoods

[Northern Star Girl]

@IsobelWoods

Dear Isobel:
You are so very welcome here on Susan's Place and the Forum.

You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about and learn
from others regarding their transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
You might even find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.
When you share good news we will rejoice with you and when you report not-so-good news we will offer you
our shoulders to lean on and our ears to listen.

Again, WELCOME.

Always feel free to contact me or other staff members any questions that you may have about the Forum.

Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[Alana Ashleigh]

Like many have said here the feelings of needing to show and express my gender identity have grown more and more over time. I can recall my early teenage years in the cycle of dressing in private and being confused and guilt ridden.

I relate to this so much. I had this same part of me. I kept it buried until it came out one night at work, and haven't looked back.

Glad you're here, Isobel

[Ciara]

Hi Isobel,
It is lovely to meet you and welcome!
You have come to such a good community here. So many of us here have had the same experiences that you have........the guilt, the shame, being scared about the future etc. You are not alone.
Some ladies here live openly as women, others (like me) are in the closet and must present as men most of the time. It sounds like you have accepted who you are and that acceptance is an enormous step. What you now do is totally up to you. You may decide to share with your loved ones or you may decide to never share. Either is ok. You do not have to do anything you are not happy with.
There is really no reason to feel guilt or shame. You are a beautiful woman.
Love who you are and enjoy every moment of your journey ❤️.

Ciara