Thanks for sharing, Mocha!
Let me clarify something for you. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. There is no best way to be trans, or a set order in which things need to happen.
Like you, I wanted hormones and surgeries right away, then I would come out and change my name and documents to match my physical characteristics. Things don't happen that way very often.
Some of the protocols exist for our own protection. A mental health diagnosis must come first for a reason. First, they want to be sure that the issue is Gender Dysphoria and not some other issue that causes these feelings. Second is that the healthcare community generally does not hand out drugs. So, with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, a healthcare provider can offer medical treatment for the symptoms.
The was a requirement to be on hormones for one year before surgery. That is to be certain that you are committed to a life-changing medical procedure.
So that was my plan. I got the mental health diagnosis and began hormones. I did not come out at that time. Eventually, the hormones began to change my physical appearance so that the changes became more difficult to hide, but surgery was still not available to me (for many reasons). After being on hormones for about nine months, I began to come out slowly. All of my friends knew, but not my family (they are very much like your mother, most of them).
After four years, I was out to everyone, but still could not have surgery. So I began social transition. I always dress in women's clothing. I often wear makeup when I go out. And I changed my name legally through the court, which led to updating all of my documents. I still have not had surgery.
My point is that we want it done and over with, but circumstances beyong our control can prevent it from happening the way we envision it. Do not be discouraged by this. Do what you can when you can and when you are comfortable doing it. The fact that you are not in distress over your dysphoria means you have time to do a little at a time. You can stop at any time, restart if you want to. Start laying the groundwork. The therapist appointment is a great first start. Congrats!
Keep your expectations realistic. I became very frustrated that I needed to rely on other people to get things done, and no one on the planet moves as fast as I want them to. For me, I realized that surgery can wait because no one is going to see me naked except me. So I can work on the things that people will see: hair, clothing, makeup, how you walk, sit, stand, and even talk. As you put these things together, people will subconsciously assume they know what is in your pants. It is not important if they are right or wrong.
Grow you hair and style it in a way that makes you happy. If you want to wear makeup, then wear it. If you don't, then don't. Many women do not. If you feel you are not yet ready for women's clothing, start with unisex styles. People don't notice gradual changes, so go slow and take your time.
Eventually, someone may notice and ask. Just be honest with them. You were born this way. You are pursuing medical treatment. Or leave them guessing. You are not obligated to tell anyone anything. Sometimes it is better to be open and honest. Sometimes, silence is golden. Think about this: what you do with your body is your business. Would you want to know the details about your parent's sex lives? Most people don't. So not talking about it is understandable. You can always just say, "It's personal." And leave it at that. It is your decision and your alone.
I hope this helps. Please let us know how your therapy session goes. We don't need details, just how it went for you and your plans for future sessions.
