What to do?

[Mario]

Hey everyone. It has been awhile since I have been here. Alot going on I guess. First off, I will have to see about changing my online name from Mario to Marco since that is what it was the last time I changed my name 20 years ago. For those of you who read my intro you know what I mean. Well, now I have made the decision to do this all over again. I cant fully explain why I backed out 17 years ago other than to please my mother. But in all that I have given birth to 4 children during the 360 I did. Now I am back to square one. I still feel like I should be a man, and still want to be. Yesterday I was at the Ellen Degeneres show with my significant other, my daughter and her daughter. By the way, it airs tomarrow, and if they haven't edited all the shots of me out, you cant miss the blue long sleeve hybiscus shirt I am wearing. Anyway, in all the waiting you do to get into a taping, you have alot of time to spare. my daughter, Mariah who is 14 has let me know that she does not approve of me and Pam. She says she understands the way I am, but I choose to have a family and that is that. I didn't want to have the conversation that we did at the time we did it just happened. I told her I still want to be a man, that I cant handle the some days people call me sir and some days mam. She was not happy, andd told me she could not handle that. We both cried, and said we love each other. The only reason I have not still gone through with it to this day was because of my kids. But now I feel like I have to do it for my own sanity. I have been to my first theripst appointment in L.A. and she says because of my already past with this it should not be as long a process as usual. The only hard part is trying to make my kids understand, and still accept me later. To know I am the same person on the inside. If there is anyone out there that has ever gone through the process after having kids please write me! Also any information on metadioaplasy would be helpful. Sometimes you search on line for hours to get info on one little thing. No pun intended. And Dennis, if you read this could you drop me a line? Thanks to all of you who listen.
                                  Marco AKA Mario

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Marco.

Welcome back.

I can really relate to your story as I am going through that same situation with my only child.  I did my best to hide my secret for many years and I really thought that life would be ok, but I was wrong.  Trying to lead two lives keeping one apart from the other was simply destroying me.  I had no choice I had to come out to my daughter no matter what the consequences.

The conversation we had was also very similar to yours and although she accepted what I was she didn't want to see me.  It's been so hard and there have been many a night that I have been brought to tears just thinking that I may have driven away the most important person in my life, my only child.

The last time that I saw her was at Christmas 2005 when, for the sake of the family, I agreed to hide Stephanie.  It was very hard as the changes that have occurred were not that easy to conceal.  Also when I agree to do that I also had to insist that it would also be the last time that I would be able to change for her.  We still talk on the phone and send email back and forth but our relationship has changed forever.

As far as "Making your kids understand" I'm afraid that you will not be able to do that as it will be up to them to come to terms and deal with the issue themselves, and I truly believe that anyone who tells you that you can change them is very misguided.  If you want to keep them you will have to give them time and space, maybe lots of it.  Remember the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".  What you can do is keep communication going between you.  Tell them that you don't expect them to understand why you are the way you are, but  let them know that you haven't changed inside, that you are still the same person who loves and cares for them, and that you will always be there for them no matter what.

It could be a long time or a short time but hope for the best.  It's been four months since I last saw my daughter, and she only lives 30 minutes away.  It is so painful to know that she has lunch with and meets her mom practically once a week, but I'm never invited.

It hurts so damn much, it's the worst pain that I've had to endure.

Steph

[Dennis]

Line dropped, btw. I tried to think of something really cheesy like, "what's your sign?" or "come here often?". But words failed me.

In seriousity (yes I know that isn't a word), pre-transition is a very difficult time. And having teenaged kids is the hardest of all. Younger kids can accept more easily. At some point, you have to live for yourself, which your children won't be used to. But you are older. You have less time left in your life than they do. They have to get over it.

I hope for the best for you, Marco.

Dennis

[Mario]

Steph,
It was hard to read what you said, and I feel so bad for you. I know I will go through the same thing. I think that Mariah, my oldest who is the one I told, will continue to take it the hardest, and she is the one whom I have always been closest. It is the worst part of all of this. Thanks for being there, and I will keep you updated.
                                                             Marco


Posted at: April 13, 2006, 03:33:25 PMThanks Dennis. Sometimes it is impossibe to understand the decsions we make. I love my kids, but know I never should of had anymore after Mariah, my first. I just am starting the name change prosses for the second time. It will be harder to do everything this time. The first time, 20 years ago I changed my name in Illinois where I am from, and moved out here to California. No one ever knew I wasn't a guy, even without hormones. On that subject, I cant remember how long it took for substancial facial hair growth. Although as you most than likly know, beard growth never stops even off hormones, so I even now can grow enough like undrneath the chin. Weird.
Hope to talk again soon.
                                                   Marco