Hi all!
lately i feel like i'm totally trippin' ... no drugs, just gender!
It's weird, cos' I've been working with/studying/expressing (in art/life) gender for well... the latter thing all my life, the other two, for the past 8 years... so some people might expect me to be an expert on this stuff..
NOT It's always been in the context of other people's lives and works. *As if it were not about me.* It was, of course.
I've only become consciously aware of this very recently, even more recently that this awareness requires some sort of action/reaction in my life. And it's all new and scary. I feel like a confused teenager all over again. At the same time, it's also very exciting and wonderful. Everyday I feel more free to express who I am, free to dream, to feel, to live... This gives a giddy, trippy sensation... something stirring below the surface, I can't rest, spend most of my freetime online chatting with people who share these feelings, or trying to fix my (currently very slow) real world social life. It's all going very fast now. All the pieces of the puzzle falling into (or deliberately out of) place, I'm falling off the planet into space... My mind is much further ahead... I'm imagining things beyond my own imagination, if that's technically even possible (in my imaginition... huh?) ... and living it.
I've met a whole bunch of amazing new friends... my life is changing so fast. Add to that the fact that nothing is certain when it comes to my financial future and career, there are a dozen options and I'm leaning toward the most risky ones... it's all spinning... out of control? Maybe... I think I should be more worried and afraid than I am, I'm balancing on an edge every day, where I'm taking steps that might very well wash my future (in the eyes of my family and most people) down the drain... and I couldn't care less (to clarify, nothing major has actually changed in a practical way but it will soon)... And, in spite of what I said before about being catholic and proud, I have to wonder how long can I continue in my current job? Where is the limit? I guess I'll find out when I hit it, LOL. I'm still happy. Which is good in a way, but this recklessness... someone should pull me back down to earth.
So how far do i want to take this, esp the desire to be a (gay) man? I find the idea of being able to switch between genders highly attractive, but I realize that most of that is in my mind.
I don't pass as a guy, not at all. The best I get are those rare occasions where I get taken for a boy, age 10-16 (at the gym someone asked if I was waiting for the teens-class, which is that age group). I used to pass as a boy my own age (at 18), but at the time, though I felt good about it, I wasn't really conscious of myself.
I want that experience again. What I can do in the way of excercise, binding, packing, and lowering my voice, doesn't work well enough. My voice can get way lower singing than speaking, but it's the speaking voice i need. I should probably cut my hair, but that looks awful and as a guy I'd want this semi-long hair i have now. I want to be a guy, I want to have that life, that body, to feel complete in that... And then again, I know that if I should ever get there, I'd still be as dissatisfied as I am now, I'd want to go back,
I'd make it my goal in life to have exactly the pair of (firm, well shaped, B-cup) boobs that I have now. If I'd been a man, I would have been a drag queen (*yes, really, by the wiki definition), at the very least, or TG/GQ as now.
And still, most of the time I feel comfortable in my own, female body. When I'm with a woman, when I'm truly in love with her, I feel free to be a woman, and turn all girly. On my own, or around guys, I feel more at ease the more masculine I can be. And I hate it when they treat me like a woman, in the traditional over-polite way, or treat me as incompetent because of my gender. This is true in relationships also. I had a long-term relationship with a str8 man, whom I loved dearly and he me... intimacy... there were times he had me spaced out completely, in extasy, ... and then he'd go and ruin it all by saying what a beautiful woman I was, how feminine etc ... which would shake my confidence and leave me utterly lost. I've never been able to talk to him about that and eventually had to end the relationship. He had felt he wasn't what I needed, and let me go in a most loving way "you know you have always been free, and that I will always love you". Breaks my heart, I know this hurt him more than me, I had been saying goodbye to him in my heart for over a year at that point.
Where will this go? I am somehow happy in this confusion, and comfortable with the idea of having to explore new territory and doing that... but where will this lead? and how do I stay grounded?
... in the absence of a therapist:
to clarify this: it's not me who fires the shrinks, they discharge me! Somehow the way I present my issues to them is so coherent, and self-analysing, that they tell me after a few sessions that "there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need me, I won't charge you for this last session"... *sigh*. I don't feel I'm going crazy, I do not (imho) need medication, and I don't feel miserable. Just need some common sense advice from time to time, some objective point of view to keep me anchored in the real world, ...
... centered ... Which is in a way the opposite of what this shifting identity is all about... so maybe that's not possible?
What does that mean? How does one live in a world that is all about focus, about clear boundaries, black/white male/female... how can I exist as an "anomaly in the space/time continuum", in a category of my own making that is "not even a valid classification" in the limited system of communication in this world? (
Cassie!)
somebody wake me up, gimme a cold shower and put my feet back on the ground!
love to all
Alex/Lisette/galloping unicorn
PS Excuse the length of this post!
Needed to get this off my chest... I probably should've posted this in the PMS zone, but then, I have issues with the whole PMS thing
