Alice, I went through life for almost 5 decades more or less being OK about being male. Yet I still knew that underneath it all that I wasn't really. I didn't hate my body, I just knew it was uncomfortable, it wasn't me. It was like going for a long run with a tiny but eternally present pebble in my shoe.
I look back and see that I did accomplish quite a bit as a man. Yet with the benefit of hindsight I see how feeling true and whole within myself would have made a positive difference in those accomplishments. I try to stay away from feelings of regret, they seem so self indulgent after all, but I know I could have done better had I been whole, no matter which body I was in.
It sometimes seems that you still harbor feelings of wrongness regarding the path you are so reluctantly following. I can understand that completely, we are taught from infancy on that the masculine is more valuable than the feminine. And we are all taught that gender shifting is unacceptable. Yet we still feel the compulsion to change. I've had to let that go and embrace the knowledge that a complete person, male, female or trans, is a much better thing to be and that for me, it's being trans.
I know you'll get to the point of knowing what's best for you, Alice, and I hope you cut yourself a little more slack until you do.
Hugs & smiles
Emelye
