Coming out! or not? definitely! ... maybe not...

[Anaya]

4 in the morning really isnt the best time to write things, but hey its the only free time i have (guh, studies take up a lot of time).

hi! maybe you know me, maybe you don't, i sometimes post here, but mostly lurk and read things ( "Big sister is watching you!").

*cough* anyways
so i've been feeling like i need to come out to a real good friend of mine. I haven't done anything outwardly visible so far, but i've been a lot more open to her about what i really feel and think. I just feel that i need a friend to talk to (not that all of you aren't great but, online support isn't enough).

As always i don't plan ahead. So far what could be called a plan is basically i tell her about my "big secret" when i feel it's the right moment. Of course i NEVER feel like it's the right moment and so many good opportunities passed, and i'm still as far as before.

I think telling her in person would be the right thing, but, i don't know... when we are together we are just having fun, so it's a bit awkward suddenly changing to such a complicated and emotional subject...

i guess i'm asking for advice on how to choose the right time to come out and how to do it...

*sigh* And some time after this i still have to come out to my parents ("have to" as in, although i'm not living with them, i'm still very very dependant on them)...

...mmh thats all that i come up with at this time. more details on what i think, feel, and need, when i'm awake later today

[SusanK]

I have some excellent 4 am conversations with myself. But that said, why not trust your intuition and instincts? You'll know when it time to come and when, where and with whom. After all, while I agree there is a lot of positive feeling about releasing the self-held secret, once it's out, it's out, and you can't go back.

I know some transpeople who let their transistion flow in their life and let the circumstances of their coming out fall where it did. They simply didn't think about it and focused on the other decisions in a transistion, which in turn lead to the self-discovery by others than being told by them. Rather than force a reaction from someone, they let the someone come to them.

Some of these got down the road where it was obvious what was happening that they decided to make it official for work, documents, and life. They didn't have to convince anyone of their intentions or the path they were taking. This afforded them to the time to talk with people and sort out the details for problems and solutions, and prepare for the explanations, much of which didn't happen.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

--Susan--

[joannatsf]

I came out gradually - sort of.  When I made the decision to transition I told only the closest people to me.  I started adding women's clothing to my wardrobe and began spending days in my new identity.  Eventually I reached a point where I was living in my new identity except in official and employment matters.  By that time more and more people were aware and I'd told my family of my plans.  Everyone took it fine, most importantly, my child.

The desire to go fulltime came over me and I decided to come out at work.  I told my boss who to my surprise told me she had known 2 women that had done it in the past and that one remained a close friend still.  She said she'd talk to the program director and set-up a meeting.  We met and decided how to proceed (I announced it at a sstaff meeting) and which bathroom I would use (women's).  Afterwords my co-workers congratulated me on my decision and courage.

After that I wanted to stand on roof tops and shout it to the world.  Everyone in my life knew shortly there after.  Until last week.  A good friend in Southern California died and I was invited to a memorial service.  Her son and daughter are also friends and I've come out to them.  The service, however, will be attended by people I knew well but haven't spoken to in 20 years.  I'm dreading it.  I'm not afraid of them but I'm tired of telling my story and answering questions.  Anyway, this too shall pass. 

[Anaya]

thanks for the answers

its just really hard, i feel like i have to tell her, but well it's hard...
oh well let's wait and see what happens

[cindybc]

My story was very similar to Claire de Lune, a relatively smooth coming out and integration into society. Everything went well except, unfortunately, what few family members I have left didn't take all that well to my transitioning. I have had a wonderful time though, learning about and exploring the innerself and the world around me. Cindy is a wonderful lady with a good sense of humor and an awesome loving caring and supportive soul mate. 

Cindy