Not Feeling Selfish

[deviousxen]

I'm out to my mom, but I honestly need some close friends who know. The problem is, is that I don't want them to be overburdened by my load. I have a connection with a couple of people, but the problem is that the both of them were going out and recently split up, and its been so sad to see them as a buffer. I don't want to be a wall which stabs them if they stray too much or whatever.

But I really need someone who is deeply connected to the kind of stuff that crosses my mind every day. Not even my best friend I can tell yet...I'd almost feel dissapointment from him cause I'm almost like his younger, mislead brother. But I've drifted in this respect. I try to be the most loyal person I possibly can to my friends, and this is tearing me apart because I do not want to be selfish. Not to mention the catch 22 which I'm in. The girl has definitely questioned her gender in the past I believe...And I think she'd understand me a lot better than most. I seem to connect to her. We're both artists, we're both in possession of a sick, and soulless sense of humor and she is very smart. I REALLY want that...To talk to someone besides yourself or pee in the ocean of piss (the internet). I don't know about telling her old boyfriend because I want to be something which lifts him up and lets him live again, not something which may remind him of her or anything. The catch 22 is just that. I think that in a way, not telling them would be a lot better for both of them, but I also feel like if I DON'T tell either of them, I'm being untruthful and that when I finally do, they question whether or not I was a real friend the entire time.

Friendships for me are very truth based. More loyalty and care for them, but I like to be level. Thats the only way I can deeply connect, and I need that. I need another best friend who can hear me out.

I'm almost waiting for the moment, but I'm hesitant, because I fear either of them telling me to not go through with this. I know how creepy it all is, and how cold the future seems really. I think about it all the time, but I can't have that. FAKE emotion and happiness is NOTHING. It kills me more than forced happiness. So I once again, push harder with my artwork and my pursuits which distract me, happy in my own little worlds, cause I'm microcosm, macrocosm and boundaries of it until other people get a hold of it. It is my only meaning and purpose except my friends and care for a race which I still despise, no matter what I do for it.

I just really want a real friend.
Its been almost 2 and a half years since I lost the only person who listened to me, and then I closeted again. I don't feel like a good friend when I've got my foot in the door of said closet, and I'm on the >-bleeped-<ing internet making metaphors rather than telling them. It would seriously light me up if I knew they cared enough about me to overlook what problems I have.

-The many-named one, who's going by "Xen" now. I like it. Hope no one else steals it...

[Marlene]

I'm out to my mom, but I honestly need some close friends who know. The problem is, is that I don't want them to be overburdened by my load...

...I try to be the most loyal person I possibly can to my friends, and this is tearing me apart because I do not want to be selfish...

..Friendships for me are very truth based. More loyalty and care for them, but I like to be level. Thats the only way I can deeply connect, and I need that. I need another best friend who can hear me out.

First of all, there is nothing "selfish" about our situation.  Don't fall into that trap!  This is about being your true self and nothing more.  Right now things are at their worst, but things will get better.  Every little step towards the real you will make you feel more and more complete.  There will be losses.  It is a very rare person that doesn't experience some.  However, the gains will outweigh any losses.  Be patient, persistent and know that things will get better.

Also, remember that feeling of relief you felt when you told your Mom?  A huge weight was lifted off your shoulders right?  Well any future losses you suffer will be partially offset by a similar feeling of relief when you're out.  No more hiding, no more secrets.  For the first time in your life you'll experience the powerful feeling of authenticity and that will spur you onwards to the next step, and the next, until you're whole.

Someone once said transition is the ultimate filter.  Not only do we become our true selves, but we also finally see the true colors of those around us.  True friends will stand with you, the others never really were your friends.

The path before is a hard one to be sure, but nothing really worth it is easy.  And besides we're not talking about worldly goods here, we're talking about your soul.  Lean on your Mom as much as possible and on your friends here.

You are not selfish!  You're becoming whole!  You deserve to be happy!  You deserve to be you!

(((Hugs)))

[Jennywocky]

It is easy to see oneself as "selfish" by rocking the boat, and especially if you have obligations that you feel might be threatened by your transition.

I think one thing that I've had to learn how to do through this process is to stop taking responsibility for other people's happiness. It is not my job to make sure another adult else is happy or to protect their innocence. Yes, perhaps I can help them rest easier by burying myself and carrying the secret alone (to spare them), but then I'm miserable, and they never get the "real me." So I'm also depriving them.

Everyone else has a choice of how to respond to your revelation. They can choose to recommit to your friendship/relationship and give of themselves to help you, or they can choose to fret and reject what you've told them and put distance in there. Your job, if the friendship matters, is to (1) be honest about who you are and what you need to thrive and (2) reaffirm that you love them and want to be in a relationship (friendship or whatever) with them, regardless of their reaction.

But unfortunately, you cannot choose their reaction or commitments to you for them. They do have to work through any pain they might experience and come to you as an adult and commit on their own terms to the relationship.

This whole process will do wonders in teaching you where your responsibility for someone else ends, how to ask for what you need, how to care about someone without necessarily protecting them from all hurt, and how to give them freedom to make choices of their own, so that any relationship you will end up having will be a deeper and more meaningful one.

[deviousxen]

I just am always getting the nervous racing thoughts that are saying, "This is a mistake" and the other ones which say, "This will make you feel more at ease" and the ones which are, "Oh, >-bleeped-<. Now I am adult. Gross..."

[shanetastic]

hey deviousxen,

I have to say, I was a bit afraid about the coming out with a couple of my friends as well, thinking that you know this still might be a big mistake or something.  Really though, telling them proved one of the best things I've ever done.  You of all people should understand your friends and how they think and their thoughts on issues such as this.  The friends I've told not only are always there to listen for me, they really tried to understand and sympathize the situation as well and offer help in any way possible.  Really, if they're good friends, they won't be "overburdened" by your load.

At first I just sort of told them, and let them bring it up ever to make sure I wasn't overloading them.  In time though, they grasped a better understanding and began to see the whole picture.  Really though, we sometimes go in circles with this gender stuff I have to say, but once we overcome all the confusing little aspects and figure out what we need to do, the better you and your friends can understand the situation.  They'll stick by you if you all are truly good friends, all you have to do is find the right time and the best way to bring it up. 

[deviousxen]

I know... Its probably best to do it if I can. I just... I don't know. I have no idea how to tell my best friend, and how that will work cause he lives in my house now. I don't want to be on odd terms with him when he's basically my roommate. I want to do it gradually, and make it less of a shock. I'm kinda happy they give me odd looks and consider me the weirdo. I don't know. I'm already so depressed this week I don't even want to leave my room.

Its just hard... I've always looked up to him as a big brother. He was the only really extremely happy memory from growing up, and would kill my depression and loneliness when we could hang out like every six months.

I just feel horrible even thinking about telling him. I mean, he might piece it all together and it might fit in his view how much of a weirdo I was growing up... So It might be reassuring.


I also fell like... Bad cause I'm less reluctant to tell girls, cause they don't seem to take it badly. I'm kinda scared that if they don't turn out to be a "true friend" like said so many times here, that they'll go out and tell everyone, and I don't feel like bringing further bad things to my family. I'm pretty scared to move in any direction. The only thing which reassures me is that I seem so desperate to change my body.

I don't know. I don't really know how I'll lean on someone who has no idea what my condition is all about, like my friend. I suspect that most people get on this forum the first time not knowing all the semantics, and I have a feeling it would go over his head, and then he'd probably ask If I were gay.

[shanetastic]

something with your post made me laugh, so sorry. . . but it's the whole thing that goes with it'd be over his head and he'd ask me if I were gay.  When I came out to my best friend that was literally one of the first questions she asked lol.  Don't worry about it, people will gain more knowledge as time goes on. 

To be honest though, I don't really have any guy friends, so I've never had to tell any.  The only person who knows who is a male are my brother and dad, and it's sort of like unconditional in that sense.  So that's another subject I don't know much about.  All my experiences are with telling girls mainly, unless it's family related. 

I must have skipped over the part of you living with this person as well, so that in itself could cause a problem.  I wouldn't know what to do if I were living with the person in this instance.  All I can tell you though, is coming out is normally exhilarating; because for the most part, you think of everything BAD that can happen that doesn't.  Not too many people know about me, but for the ones that do, it's just like. . . eh whatever. 

Having a good friend to talk to would be probably one of the best things in your situation.  But like, at the same time, there is a lot of risk that goes with it because you are living with this person as well.  So what happens if he reacts badly, would you have to move out or something?  Do you have any other close friends you could tell that don't live with you that you trust?  The main issue is being able to trust the person to not open their mouth when you're not ready.  My mom leaked about me to like six relatives and I was pissed needless to say, so I hope you don't end up in the same situation.   

[deviousxen]

Well... First off the laugh was fine

But my friend lives in my house, we're only room mates in the sense of how we live. We're both out of high school and we basically are home most of the time. My mother works all day, and comes home early on occasion and owns a store. My younger brother joins/brings the shenanigans into the house after he gets home from local high school...

As for him telling, I trust him cause I've kept big secrets about his drug use in the past, so I doubt he'd violate that. I just don't know how I'll get to telling him the big line. "Oh... Uh I just wanted to tell you-"

Maybe It will work better if it starts like, "Hey... Well... Remember how your mom and a lot of people seem to think I'm gay or something, well there's likely something to that."
"But I thought you lost your virginity to a girl"
"Well... I'm not "gay""

...heh... I really need serotonin to do anything like that.