Hi
I already feel a rarity as a I come from Holland in Europe,,I get the impression theres so many americans here!
I am a 23 year old and I find it a bit hard to ehmmm..lable myself. Mostly I go with Transgender, sometimes with Androgyne. I dont really hate my penis, I can enjoy it...so I dont think I am a TS
I am not the typical story that I have felt this way since I was a little boy ( I was a soft and rather nurturing boy however -hated the soccer and judo I went to-, but didnt have any wishes/desires to become a girl, as far as I can remember) but instead my feelings and doubts started around my 18th year. I came to the conclusion that I wasnt a TV since I couldnt really identify with what they did at all....it was more of a mixture of feminine and masculine energy that I feel goes thru my body and brain ( Although I aprreciate my feminine energy more, but thats no surprise I guess
) .
I had a rather problematic life ( But I am not the only one thank god) ; my mother divorced a few times, I got depressed at my 14th and I take anti-fear and anti-depressants since quite a few years. Well all in all it wasnt that bad, but I think my current problem with being gender-dysphoric is really a trouble; I mean it goes on and on all day long, with the slightest things you do or say I am confronted with it ( I am doing something wrong). I am thankful and shocked I am still alive!
It confronts me daily; my voice , its a bit high for a male one and I often get accused of being gay( We all stereotype I know
) but its still not a female voice ( I am utterly terrified that whenever I online game with a group, something I love to do, that I have to talk and sound like a male! I wanna sound like a female so I can not only have my female character in the game but also by my voice) , whenever I am spoken to as "mister" I get so frustrated and wanna burst out in tears , but I cant. And the thought of being called miss is kind of strange to me aswell...but perhaps thats because youve been raised and socialized mostly as a boy/male all your life. I dont really know.
I can get kind of lonely and often sit at home, reading, sleeping and gaming. But whenever I get out and meet people I notice a very strong burst of feminine energy in me, its really odd...I am more feminine when I socialize/am with other people. And the same counts for love really....I have some crushes on men ( especially men with stubble <3) sometimes but its mostly women that I emotionally and sexually want to connect with. And the strangest thing happens to me when I like a girl/woman: I start trying to act more feminine( sensual walk , wavy hands, overusage of facial expressions and nodding) and try to higher my voice. Its really odd behaviour...I havent heard of someone else doing it, I am confused by it
I am not really someone that says : "Men are like this and Women are totally different" ..I think there is a scale and most women and men belong to a side of it while some of them float far and in between. Generally I just get along better with females; the things we talk about, the way we talk etc . I also dont really understand the more violent nature of men and they masculinity they are so proud of. I am still a little too sexual ( damn those testosterone) , I cant cry easily ( but this is also due to my medication which lowers your emotions) and I can be a little lazy with the chores in house
But generally, I love having my 2 cats ( theyre sisters!), having purple/pink coloured butterfly bed "thingies") you know those things which cover your bed and pillow :S), love to dance, love all the cute feminine clothing, love jewelry, love to gossip and shop...but also..online gaming! :p
To make a long story short.. Hi, I hope you appreciate me here and perhaps I can get in touch with some people
Greets,
