working around transphobic parents and college?

[keaton443]

hey there. I came out to my parents coming on 2 years ago, and it's been insanely rough. they're transphobic, and have, over the course of this time which also involved a clinical diagnosis, decided that trans people don't exist, and what i need is help to figure out how to live life as my birth sex despite my "mental disease."
i've been pretty good about... ignoring it? i have tough skin, and i have really definite goals for my life and future, and i haven't let their actions or words cause me to lose hope in those things. this past fall, i started up my freshman year of college at a local university for pre-recs. i stayed on campus for a semester and then moved back home. during that time, i started completely dressing the way i prefer to pass, asking my professors to call me by my preferred name and pronouns, and identifying as myself completely for the first time in my life off of the internet/in safe spaces. when my parents found out about this, they completely lost it.
i recently got into a really difficult art school on the east coast for my major. it's upwards of $44,000 per year to attend, but will be less for me because i took gen ed at a cheaper college. it's been great. i've been really looking forward to it, super pumped, work-hard-achieve-your-dreams sort of situation. i've literally sweat and bled over getting accepted.
but i had an argument over the phone with my dad last night paying the tuition deposit. essentially, he... told me they will help me pay for this, but ONLY if, for the length of my schooling there, i identify with my birth gender, use my birth name, lie on the housing form and say i identify as a cisfemale and not transman so i'm guarenteed girl roommates(since they ask gender identity), and stay away from any sort of LGBT+ help/support that hasn't been cleared through them, and... i guess, i mean, i've done this before. throughout my entire highschool career, i stuffed it because i was afraid of what they'd do if i didn't. but now, i'm out to my friends, i'm in a serious relationship, i'm 19 years old and i'll be 23-24 by the time i graduate, and... i just got blackmailed to get my college degree. he told me, "if you still have these feelings after you graduate, do whatever tf you want. but not while your mom and i are investing this money to send you somewhere." it puts not just my transition on hold for another 3-4 years, but also complicates... every relationship i have going there.
i'm having an insanely hard time right now just... conceptualizing going back into the closet, making fake connections and forming a fake identity for myself to make friends, all... because i NEED this education for my career. i don't know how to pay for this myself. i can't help but feel like i'm also being manipulated into thinking i CANT and i need them to do it (they continually derail me when i ask about opening loans in my name, not theirs) and i've also been told that since the family's making sacrifices with money, this will have to be mine. i love my family. i really, really love my family and i used to be so close to both of my parents but after last night, even after all of the arguments we've had in the past, this time is the first time i've... felt hopeless.
i uhhhh i'm crazy sorry i don't really know what i'm asking for here or even? if this is going in the right place. i just don't have a ton of lgbt+ friends to talk to about it. sorry it's so long, i know this isn't a college forum or anything. i guess, does anybody have ways to help with going back into the closet gender-wise? or... maybe ideas for compromise here? i'm paying for at least $10,000 with my academic scholarships and grants, but that's not really enough to say like, "you're paying for half so i'll do ___ but i'm paying for this half so i get to still ____" you know? anybody know anything about loans I could open up on my own if i only have a $10/hr job under my belt for the past 2 weeks? any slim chance on rights i have here as a legal adult? sorry, and thank you tons.

[keaton443]

right now all i'm thinking is the, "you can get through this. 3-4 years, fuel through, get it done, once your out you could start T the day after graduation" mentality i had in highschool, but now, i... especially with art school, connections are everything. legit, the connections i have and the name i make for myself in the next 3-4 years is maybe even more important than my grades and could easily determine the job i get out of college. and so this could... not obliterate it, but severely mess it up and complicate things. i also hate the idea of lying to everybody i meet. it's an art college so, really progressive, so even when i met with somebody on a tour, they immediately asked me for my preferred pronouns. i will be literally lying to people's faces and i am having.... a hard time. thinking about that. maybe it just means having to come out again in 4 years to everyone i meet there.

also? damn. my family doesn't understand this and swears trans people are "accepted by pop culture" and don't face discrimination anymore, but i pass... okay. i don't mean this in a bad way at all, but 99% of the time people will instantly use he/him with me. using she/her and looking the way i do is... it's caused dangerous situations for me before. it makes people edgy. i don't look like a girl. unless i tell people i'm trans, the usually don't know, even though my voice isn't super deep for a 19 year old and i'm like, 5'4. but i'm also becoming hyper aware of how it could be dangerous for me to do what they're asking me to do because of how i look alone, and i don't know if my dysphoria could do it going 100% back into the closet and not binding anymore, wearing makeup, whatever, since i understandably don't feel really secure in my masculinity right now. but that's just... another thing. i'm off on a tangent again haha. sorry.

edit: also!! sorry, i know age doesn't determine anything, and it doesn't matter if you're 16 and trans or 40, but it's just hard to think about another 4 years when i... just started being confident and not ashamed of being trans. when i got that little taste of an authentic happy life and then immediately am getting the flipside. age doesn't matter, it's just hard for me right now looking at that with how my experience has been going.

[Michelle_P]

Hi, keaton443!

Wow.  It's one thing to sacrifice a bit on the home front to come up with college funds, and quite another to ask someone to repress their very self in exchange for funds.  That's a really rough tradeoff.

I'd hope that your family and father in particular would become more accepting and ease off, but you've already been out to them for a couple of years now, and I guess that's sort of unlikely.

I hope some of our recent college grads can offer you some tips on how to self-fund your college education.

Meanwhile, I hope you feel welcome here.

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[Elis]

Sorry you're having such a rough time . I had to go to college (I'm in the UK)  and I realised I was trans while going there. Everyday was absolute hell and my depression and dysphoria was so bad I felt suicidal constantly.  In the end I stopped going to classes but my dad didn't understand why (still doesn't after coming out) and our relationship has been more difficult since. Now 5 years later; after finally having enough and deciding to transition I realised just bcos I missed out on college then doesn't mean I've missed my chance to find a career now. So I'm now doing an adult college course.

I urge you not to take the same path I did. The strain on my mental health was simply like torture and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Maybe try to take some loans out in your name. Or start a Go fund me account or sell some of your art to make extra money. Or find another college which is more affordable.  There are other options apart from the more conventional routes.

[Cindy]

Well firstly can I say that you are one hell of a strong and motivated guy to have got this far and deal with the situations you have had. You have been incredibly successful and accomplished so much both academically and socially. You are a high achiever.
Your talent and hard work has now put you into a position of a dream like college experience that may involve a lot of sacrifice and we need to determine if the that sacrifice is one worth it and secondly achievable.

The worth point is always moot; at your age it may seem to you that it would be the end of the world or at least a major blip in how the world spins, to miss out on such an opportunity. From the perspective of a 63 year old woman who has been a high achiever throughout her life and still is, then may I offer a reflection on my past?
I have sacrificed friendships and love to advance my career. I did sacrifice my transition to advance my career. I also walked away from my parents (who I loved and who loved me) so that I could (eventually) transition but they could never accept Cindy. So when I was in my early 20's I left my family and country of birth and took my life on by myself in Australia.

My regrets? Not transitioning earlier and living life as me. Not being honest to myself. Giving up on people who loved me as me and forging a alpha career to try to escape my dysphoria.

Yes I ended up with money. I had a successful and largely miserable career. I had no friends. I missed out on life. I could afford virtually anything I wanted and had no pleasure in any of it.

I'm now fighting cancer and I will fight it like I have fought everything else but it does allow me to reflect on 'what if?'

I would go and live every day as me. I would love my friends and friendships. I would use my brains and drive to find alternative ways to be successful but as me. I would not hide. I would be proud of being me and tell the world so.

But that is just my opinion and it is easy for me to look back after having success and a career etc and say 'Nah it isn't what it is cracked up to be'.

However, what I would suggest you do is go and look in a mirror. Close your eyes, be quiet, contemplate on nothing. Open your eyes and say "I am me, can I be someone else?"

Then make your decision.

[FTMDiaries]

This is a very difficult situation.

You've just recently left your childhood behind you, but to your parents you'll always be their baby. They're holding onto the image they built up in their minds on the day you were born when someone said "It's a girl!"; they're looking to the past and not the future. They think you're making a grave mistake and going through a phase or trying to be trendy - i.e. behaving childishly - so they think they can bully you out of this in the same way they've bullied you out of everything else over the years. And because they're cisgender, they don't realise how wrong they are and how difficult they're making things for you. They are so used to thinking of you as a child that they will never learn to respect you unless you act like an adult.

So it's time to take a stand. To man up. Literally.

First of all, you have no right to financial support from your parents. Once you're an adult, their obligation to you ends. Many parents will continue supporting their adult children, but they don't have to do so if they don't want to. So contact the art school and ask whether they can recommend any assistance for fees. There may be more scholarships, or loans, or sponsors who might be willing to help. I presume you're in the States (as you mention dollars and the East Coast) so I have no idea how things actually work there, but a quick Google search shows that your Student Loans work in much the same way as ours: they aren't repayable whilst you're studying. You only start repaying them once you're working and earning a certain amount of money, and then you pay back a certain amount each month based on how much you're earning. So if it's vitally important to you to do this course, apply for as many Student Loans as you need to cover your costs for the entire duration of your course. At 19 you're legally an adult (unless you live somewhere where the age of majority differs for some reason!) so you can apply without your parents needing to know. You will, of course, be putting yourself into years of debt, so please make sure this course is worth it.

Then, once you have arranged sufficient funds to cover your course, contact the art school and make sure they're aware of your financial arrangements; your preferred name; your gender identity & trans status; and what sort of accommodation you'd prefer. Ask for details of the LGBT society and join up (some people there may even have further advice for you on how to fund your course). Also tell them that your parents have been problematic so you don't want the school to enter into any correspondence with your parents without your express permission.

Finally, once that's all in place, go back to your parents and tell it to them straight. Tell them that the time has come for them to get used to the fact that they have a son. Tell them you'll be every inch a man within the next few years and you'll be a man for the rest of your life, so they're only trying to delay the inevitable. Tell them that you'd be grateful if they would be prepared to contribute towards your education, but you are not prepared to pretend to be a girl ever again. So you have already informed the school that you will be using your male name, and presenting as male, and living in your preferred housing. And if they threaten to withdraw funding, play your trump card: simply say that this is very unfortunate because you love them dearly and would appreciate their support - but you've already arranged alternative funding and will continue your education without their assistance. Always leave the conversation open at the end with a hope that they'll reconsider their position; you never know, they might come round. Stranger things have happened!

[Kelly1ca]

I hate the thought of parents that have so much hatred. I was thinking maybe once you got to the university you could look into possible scholarships. If you get one you could live your life.