G'day. Since I've infrequently been reading this forum, and it's probably time I posted, I've finally decided to register and tell you all about myself. There's nothing too interesting in here, so if it seems a tad long (I've got a lot to say) then just skim it.
I'm a 25 year-old Melbournian. Like many of you, some of my earliest memories included a fascination with feminine clothes, and my earliest "sexual" dream was of being a girl. One day, when I was thirteen or so, I could handle the strain no longer, and discovered my younger sister's cupboard. Thus begun a mildly shameful spiral of cross-dressing in secret. It's interesting that it wasn't the cross-dressing I was ashamed of, but more the fact I was doing it in secret. I'm lucky enough to belong to a family that, while conservative, is still very accepting, and yet I could never bring up the courage to confess to my closet debaucheries.
My upbringing and family life was, for the most part, very lucky compared to most. My parents were stable, we travelled a lot and by the time I was nearing the end of high school I had seen and lived in much of the world and all over Australia, and settled back in Melbourne again. My school life was, until I was nearly 17, quite miserable. Although I've never been effeminate, I was never particularly masculine (in the traditional sense) either. I've always had a slight, delicate build, and except for cross-country running, rock climbing, hiking and the other "nature sports" I've never been a particularly sporty sort, preferring the company of books and puzzles. I had the misfortune to spend a few years in a boys' school, and this coupled with my natural eccentricity, earned me a very difficult time. I have never been the sort to pick a fight, but I've also never been a coward and never backed off from one either. Still, beatings were, throughout both primary and high school, at least weekly and often daily. I started self-mutilating, taking drugs (LSD and marijuana), and sneaking out at night. I had a few inconsequential relationships, but my main thoughts during those days sat with suicide.
As I wrote, things changed when I was almost 17. After being caught drinking at one school (where I was having a particularly rough time), I was moved to another school, much smaller and less competitive, school. This public school received poor funding, and was often considered a dumping ground for troublesome students, as well as being attended primarily by students of immigrant families. For the first time, I found a place with intelligent, non-judgemental company, where I could relax and be myself. The drugs continued, but instead of taking them alone I was finally taking them socially. My school marks soared, and I graduated from this underachieving school with envious marks. On the last day of high school I decided to turn up in a school dress, with makeup done by several female schoolfriends and breasts made from balloons filled with water. It was a hit. I heard not one disparaging remark, not even when I left the school grounds at lunch to go down to the local shopping center. On the contrary, several times when I bumped into old school mates even years later they reminded me of that time; one comment I did get several times was admiration for daring to do something of the sort.
Not everybody knew I was a cross-dresser, most assuming I'd only done it out of a sense of fun (which is also true). Anybody who asked I answered honestly.
And except for one or two other occassions, my cross-dressing remained secret for some time. My good male friends knew or guessed the truth, but were thoroughly non-judgemental, helped by the fact that I already had a reputation as being slightly oddball, and that when in drab, I was as "masculine" as ever. I can drink beer, talk about girls and play the guitar like always. They were only amused the time I turned up to a night-club in a dress, although I passed about as well as Curt Cobain (the stubble didn't help).
After high school, I moved out, and things should have been fine. Eventually, though, between work, uni, and my consuming ever larger piles of drugs, I burnt myself out, and was destined for a crash. My girlfriend started seeing another guy, and I plunged into a depression. (I've since been diagnosed as bipolar, for all it means.) Finally I met my current girlfriend. She is much older than me (though I don't think much about that), far more experienced, and extremely open. The drugs went, my depression has sort of stabilised kind of in a way perhaps maybe. It's bad at times, but not like it used to be. So after two years I told her about my cross-dressing. I expected a slightly less dramatic reaction. What I got was, rather than simple acceptance, an "I thought so" followed by excitement. It was her who has given me my femme tag, who has taken me shopping for a wardrobe, makeup, etc., and she is eagerly planning our first outing with Shae. Just for orientation we have been to a few tg bars, and she seems content with the idea that at times I'll be Shae.
Now I've never really HIDDEN my cross-dressing, it is after something I AM as well as something I do. I'm still uncertain whether or not I am TS, or TV or whatever - provided I can be Shae when I want, I'm perfectly content as a man when I'm not, and vice versa. Crossing isn't a sexual thing; it is more a release of another side of myself I tend to keep tied up. Now that its more or less in the open, its no so much a source of comfort or protection from the stresses of the world, but rather something quite natural to me to be Shae when the whim takes me...
Tomorrow my SO will be waxxing my legs, something I look forward to with trepidation. I'll never completely pass as a GG I know, although I don't look half bad if I may say so. I'm just happy to get the chance to pass as ME, and be accepted as such. Although my life is far from perfect in many ways, when I write about me as Shae I realise what I have that many don't - purely tolerant friends, both male and female, none who have changed their attitude one iota knowing about my other side. A remarkable girlfriend who wants an active relationship with BOTH sides of me, and wants me to feel free to share it with her. Their are other obstacles to our relationship, the age difference, financial and personal difficulties on her behalf, and the fact with don't live together being chief amongst them, but me revealing myself to her has only brought us closer together, which makes me very very lucky it seems.
