Hi everyone,
I am just another newbie. My name is Shannon, I'm 43 and I'm a transvestite/crossdresser still in the closet. I recently came across your wonderful website after doing a Google search using the word "transgender." I have been lurking around in here for the past week and I have to say your website is very nice and respectable. There seems to be lots of useful information here. Thought I should go ahead, register and introduce myself.
Now, for a little more info about me.
For me, crossdressing is really not so much of a sexual thing. It seems to allow me the opportunity to step out of the male role and it relieves tension. I love the way the clothes feel on my body. It seems to fulfill a highly complex group of psychological needs that are nearly impossible to really put into words. At least that's the only way I can best describe the way I truly feel are the reasons why I enjoy crossdressing. I still would like to look and feel beautiful so I know I have much to learn.
I have been crossdressing off and on ever since I was 4 years old. Yes, I started very young! Lol! My mom caught me wearing my sister's swimsuits that she had out grown that I had found stored in the cedar closet. Mom scolded me pretty good for it when I was so young. She explained to me that "good boys don't wear their sister's clothes." I didn't think anymore about crossdressing until I was around 13. Then I started wearing some of mom's underwear and kept some of the items under my bed. When she was away with her friends I would experiment with mom's makeup and perfume. One day Mom was cleaning my room and sure enough she discovered the items. She was so furious at me that she thought I needed to have my head examined. Even my father sat me down and had a long talk with me over it. I thought afterwards that my crossdressing days were finally over with.
It has not been until my mid-30's that I started crossdressing again on a more regular basis. I would always look forward to getting the Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail and see whats new. I would buy bras, panties, stockings and other lingerie items I saw at Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood and would sneak these home whenever I got the chance. One day Mom was doing some of my laundry for me and was hanging my jeans up in my closet when my new Black Crushed Velvet body suit I had just recently purchased from Victoria's Secret fell onto the floor right in front of her. I still miss wear it because it fit my body so perfectly. I had it tucked away in one of my winter coats hanging in the closet, but she must have bumped it and the garment fell out of one of the coat pockets. She was so furious at me that when I got home from work she had my bags packed, threatened to kick me out of the house. At that time I did not have a good paying job so I could not afford to support myself. After she calmed down, she said I could only stay under two conditions. First, I had to throw away all my girlie clothes into the trash. She actually made me dig out my entire girl wardrobe from the many hiding places I had around the house and throw it all into the trash! Then second, she made me promise that I would never buy anymore girl cloths for myself ever again, but needless to say I could not keep my promise to her. After throwing away all my girl clothes I was completely devastated afterwards for several weeks! Almost drove me to the point of suicide! It wasn't long when I started buying more girlie things and hiding them that I started to feel more normal again.
Then one day mom caught me wearing my French Maid costume around Halloween and freaked. After getting her settled down she soon realized that this is just a part of who and what I really am. She even went to the Public Library to read books on crossdressing and being transgendered afterwards so she could learn more about it and have a better understanding. So far, my Mom is the only one in my family that knows about my crossdressing activities. Even though she does not completely approve of it, she still accepts me as her child to this day. I have never been married nor do I have any kids so these are one less thing I need to worry about. I was living at home taking care of my mother for several years, but she is now living in a nursing home. I started taking care of my mom ever since my father passed away in 1987. She was afraid of being alone so she held on to me as a replacement for my dad for all those many years. I didn't really get the chance to develop into an adult or date much at all during this time period as a result.
I had been in long-term intimate relationships with two genetic females when I was in college, but they both ended very badly. None of them were ever aware of my crossdressing activities. Found out my last ex-girlfriend that I really and truly cared about very much had lied, cheated on me and was selling her body for drugs, including marijuana and cocaine, which is why I broke up with her. This bad experience was more than enough to turn me off dating for a very long time. My self-confidence towards meeting new women hit an all-time low that lingered on for years and years. I have to say time is a good healer.
Recently we had to put mom in a nursing home because she requires 24-hour care that I could no longer provide for her on my own. Getting use to being on my own has been a major adjustment, but I seem to be managing it okay so far. I feel very comfortable with my crossdressing. I took the name Shannon Leigh because that's what my name would have been given to me by my parents if I was born female. Now that I have the house to myself, I have been dressing as Shannon practically everyday unless I know that someone is coming over, then I go back to drab mode. I have not gone out in public as Shannon yet, but I have always wanted to. I have been thinking about getting back into the dating scene, but I am not sure how I should go about this yet. I already know I am not attracted to men at all, even when I am in girl mode. However, I do find myself attracted to genetic females and sometimes to other CD's, TV's and TS's if they are really attractive. I have only ever dated genetic females up to this point in my life. I have no idea what it would be like to date a transgender or if the relationship would even work out. From what I have read of others relationships between two transgenders, the relationship didn't last long because both partners were fighting over just who wanted to be the "Girl" in the relationship.
As you can see, I can certainly relate to many of the issues that people here at Susan's are going through. I am interested in learning more about everyone here and I hope that we can help each other out. I apologize for this being such a long post.
Hugs and kisses,
Shannon
