It could be worse...

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello everyone.

I've noticed that there have been many here who have either started new topics concerning suicide and those who have contemplated the notion because they are suffering in some way because of their T'ism etc.  I can truly empathise with each and everyone who finds themselves in this situation.

As many here know, I work for a national North American school bus company as their Driver Development and Safety Officer.  It's a great job that requires me to interview and instruct adults and teach JK to grade 8 students.  I really love my job.  From time to time I'm required to drive school buses due to driver shortages, and that's what I found myself doing this week.  I've been driving a "Students with Special Needs" bus, transporting children with mental health disabilities (mentally challenged), and those with physical disabilities (physically challenged).

What has struck me with these children is despite their difficulties, they struggle though their life without complaint, they have no choice and no say in how or what happens to them but yet these wonderful children struggle daily fighting the demons that have afflicted their bodies and minds.  They are non-judgementmental, accepting those who care without reservation or prejudice, they are sparks who brighten my life each day.

When I reflect on the troubles that I've had to deal with through out my transition and the odd time that I too have thought that ending it all would be better that facing my life.  I have to think of these special kids that I've been with and reflect that they don't have that choice they have to live their lives.  It's humbling to see and experience.  My life no matter how bad it may sometimes feel it will never be as bad as the situation these children find themselves - I now count my blessings, as I've never had it so good.

Steph

[Gabrielle]

I guess I am blessed to have always considered sucide a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  While my life has totally sucked at times I could never end it all.  There are too many other things I would miss in this life.

[TheBattler]

Great thread Steph,

I was thinking the same thing yesterday. There does seam to be a lot of negativity in here but we all should stay positive as there is so much good in all of our lives. Maybe everyone should list the positive things happening in their lives in this thread.

Alice

[Sheila]

As you all know I have contemplated suicide several times and before the start of transitioning have thought it everyday, will this be the day I get brave enough. I did attempt it once and really tried and fail at it. I know that Steph looks at these children with problems that they and we overcome for and with them as I drive special needs children everyday, not just as a substitute. They are special and there are a few that make my life very special. When you are down and wanting to end it, you don't think of things like that and that you do have a real problem of sorts. I know that people have told the story about a person who was griping about not having any shoes until he saw a person without any feet. Yes this does put the shoe problem in perspective, but the problem still exists, no shoes. I know sometimes I get really down on myself and think that would be a way out, but have learned that is not the way to approach my problems. It is the easy way and I don't ever take the easy way. I'm also stubborn and want to see how things end. However you rationalize your situation, suicide is not the answer. Steph, I agree with the special needs kids. I have been driving them for about 3 years now. They are fun and you get far more reward with them. I can't count how many times I have started to cry because one of my kids has either said something to me or have done something for me. The littlest task is major for some. Like a ten year old saying good-bye Sheila. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of that little boy. I have so many moments, almost everyday. It is so rewarding. I have actually forgotten about me being who I am. I don't practice with my voice anymore or try to act more fem. I am me and I love who I am. If I get a little crazy here, its because I am a little crazy. My life is fun now and I can act crazy if I want to.
Sheila

[Kimberly]

I have a saying, "It could be better, it could be worse. Not much of a system of measurement is it?"

That pretty much sums up life. My life could be better (by a lot!), or it could be worse (also by a lot), but in the same vein everyone's life is like that. If life is poopie for someone else it really isn't a measurement for my own life, in the same way that if life is roses for someone else it is their life, not my own. Not my perspective, not my wants, not my needs, not my hopes, not my fears, not my desires... not my thoughts.

[Chaunte]

Sometimes its necessary to acknowledge the demon before you can shackle it again.  Knowing that you are not the only one that has ever had thoughts like this is a big help in not doing the act.

I had the pleasure of having an MS student.  He is wheelchair bound and has some mental retardation as a result of his illness.  He is almost always upbeat, happy and the hardest-working student I have had to date.  I am proud to say that, when I had him, his classmates treated him as an equal.  My phrase at the time was "The adventure continues!"  We still say that when we see each other in the hallway.  He did well enough on the state test in Earth Science to be able to graduate this June.

It does put things into perspective....

Chaunte