stop the ride, i'm gonna be sick

[Traverse]

Wow, I don't think I've ever related to so many people so much at one point in time.

The other night when I came home as I was turning to key to the front door, I realized for the first time that I didn't want to die. Beforehand I did not care if I lived or died; I was completely neutral. That neutrality had always made it so I did not care about myself or my own desires, which lead to putting others ahead of my self nearly constantly. But when I realized that I could now choose what I wanted for myself, I became afraid for the first time of death and choice. I'm not just a ball falling through the pachinko machine.

I am about to change the core of how I relate to others. With my ability to understand the patterns of life, I wonder about what I'll be able to accomplish if I actually tried for once. I'm about to emerge.

[kalt]

Ashley Michelle, that would make an excellent opening to a life biography of a change or something.  Lol, if I ever write one, can I use that as the into?  :-)

[kalt]

"Some crazy ->-bleeped-<- once inspired me by saying: ."blah blah blah...""

[kalt]

Sounds like a good book title too!  "Blah blah blah, a diary of BLAAAH."

[lady amarant]

Beforehand I did not care if I lived or died; I was completely neutral. That neutrality had always made it so I did not care about myself or my own desires, which lead to putting others ahead of my self nearly constantly. But when I realized that I could now choose what I wanted for myself, I became afraid for the first time of death and choice. I'm not just a ball falling through the pachinko machine.

Geez. It's like you picked that thought right out of my head. Until I finally got to the point of realising that there was a better life possible, I was completely ambivalent towards death, like you describe. I lived only to gain the love and approval of others, and so was constantly doing everything I could to keep everybody happy, except myself.

Nowadays I'm still quite ambivalent about death - When it's time it's time. But it's different now. I'll die content and happy whenever it does come because I've made peace with myself. For the first time I'm living in the direction I've chosen, and really I don't see life or death as something to be feared anymore. Life was always the scary one, but now I've got hope, and life is much prettier.

[cjennyb]

i was just sitting here thinking.  gid is...has been...my whole life.  now that i know what it is, and kinda know what i'm facing, i dont know if its better or worse.  its unrelenting and all-consuming.  i cant beat it.  the best i can seem to hope for is just to survive it.  and every day i get one day older and the past stretches out one day further, and it...whatever "it" is...seems as far away as never. 

but....just surviving isnt good enough anymore.  and yet, even if i transd today, i would still feel cheated somehow.  all of those years that i cant get back, and my fear of going through all of this simply to become an old woman.  its heartbreaking. 

but...its unrelenting and all-consuming.  and its getting to the point to where i cant concentrate, i cant sleep, and i'm losing the will to fight it anymore.  i dont know who i am.  i dont know what i am.  and the future is as cloudy as a january day.  i'm scared.  i really really am.  the intensity of my emotions now is like nothing i have ever experienced.  everything takes on new meaning.  everything has to be constantly evaluated.  and every day seems to be nothing more than running in place. 

but oh....its going to hurt.

i'm not giving this up.  i cant.  I WONT.

As another member here once told me;

Life with GID sucks, until you do something about it.  HRT.
Then after HRT the gender dysphoria goes away, BUT life still sucks.

We may lose the underlying reason for our discomfort, but we will never be truly pure.  We will always be tainted by our condition, experiences and  impurities.

We will bear this burden for life.

Jenny

P.S. Apologies if this sounds miserable.  It isn't meant to be miserable.  It just is.

[Jordan]

cjennyb.

"
As another member here once told me;

Life with GID sucks, until you do something about it.  HRT.
Then after HRT the gender dysphoria goes away, BUT life still sucks.

We may lose the underlying reason for our discomfort, but we will never be truly pure.  We will always be tainted by our condition, experiences and  impurities.

We will bear this burden for life.

Jenny

P.S. Apologies if this sounds miserable.  It isn't meant to be miserable.  It just is."




Ah yes true maybe but I think the truth is that life doesnt suck as much.... right

[cindybc]

Hi Louise000

If you are still around here somewhere. I am 62 years old full time TS lady. I been full time for 7 years and have not only overcome the GID. I am living a way happier life then I ever did before in my previous life. Oh yes there are not many days that I have not thought about the past and feeling cheated  from growing up as a girl hasn't crossed my mind.

But I don't think of it in a negative way anymore. I use to do some writing and I'm am a day dreamer and have a great imagination that a much younger person would probably be jealous of. So I fantasize my earlier life as a girl growing up on the same ranch I was raised on in my other persona. Most of the time when I visit my past I see a young lady growing up and reexperiencing my life as her. 

If you wish you may write to me by PM

Cindy 

[lady amarant]

but... they ALL ACCEPTED ME.  and tonight they wanted me to tell my story.  so i did.

Wow. That is so cool Ash. Congratulations, and kudos for being brave enough to tell them like ya did.

[kristinrichann]

Ashley  I to as so many others know this situation realy sucks  I told my wife of 25 yrs about me and the hate the hurt the depression it all came out  I felt like I had damaged her self image at times she even felt like it was her fault  then she started studying the reasons for this and learned a lot (enough to be dangerious)  then she wanted to know more about me my youth and what I felt inside  then after a while longer of us talking she pushed me to make the changes (to say take the peverbial steps) and I do mean pushed  she said that I had to do what was right   that the past was the past  even today she is pushing me to find a boy friend  we even talked that I just cant trust men if I find a man I want just that one that wants to get into my panties not wear my panties she and I laugh about that all the time  but we have come to the agreement that we are sisters she has had my last name for so long that she wants to keep it she also like your wife feels like she doesnt want another man   ( in marage )  but she has gone out with other men and been out over nights  and yes this was hard at first but now we have a agreement that we dont bring it home and she wants me to do the same I tell her maby in time  but we do things like sisters do and yes we even have sister fights I talked with her about this post and she knew the feelings realy well she even hopes that your wife will come to true exceptance with this  one thing she wonders is she going to counseling with you   mine did   and when that happened we became the best of friends  it did not happen over night but it did happen   shelly wants to know also if she would be willing to talk with another person (wife) that has gone through this  any way shelly is willing to try to help if you two would like   by the way  one thing that has brought us closer is by the talking  and counseling   and we sew togeather   do emprodery    and we even make dolls togeather and we sell them all over the world   now we even have been into doing clay   every thing we do togeather  we do as sisters   even making fun at men and etc as I said in one of my earler posts I am one of the lucky ones but it did not come easly   my prayers are with the both of you  some dont believe in it and I have seen discussions on it   but I do belive that praying does help  expecialy if you two do it togeather  I want to wish you two good luck and ashley please hang in there and do not let go of your self that would be the worse damage you could do to your self  it has taken you so many years to come to terms  with the real you 
TTFN
Kristin

[lady amarant]

although i have to admit that today was somewhat fun 

Sounds like... Congrats!

[cindybc]

Sounds like you had a wonderful first experience. I love the black lady's attitude. Just don't let that little bit of your first experience fade away, I believe you will have many more to file away along with it as you go. There are going to be some bad times but they won't be as bad they will only be trivial nuances if you keep a positive attitude. I just pray that all will continue to be well with you. And believe me it is quite the adventure. Been full time for 7 years now.

Cindy 

[Jordan]

Good Ashley, Very happy for you.

Hugs

Mara

[kristinrichann]

Ashley I have got to congrat you that first step is a doosey   hope you didnt fall to far   I for one am so proud of you   keep up the good work   love who you are not what ohters want you to be   Ill bet it was awakard at first   I rember my first time   and how worried I would be percieved by others   after that it got easer   but rember that there are others out there that think that we are sick   when in reality they cant except their selfs     keep up the good work   all of us are so proud of you
Kristin

[Jordan]

LOL, awesome for you honey...

[lady amarant]

The first of many. Congrats again Ash!

[shanetastic]

isn't it funny how it works Ashley!?!?  Hehe

Forget all this trying I say! 

[buttercup]

ok, so it was time to go back to the endo and get my blood work read. 

i was more confident this time so i wore a nice turtleneck sweater, slacks, and leather jacket.  i thought i looked, well, very much like myself.

everybody was great, ashley this and she and her that....

then i took my scripts to walmart.  i mean, after the previous time i got the big M just wearing a hoodie and sweater, i thought, well i'm trying this time.

went up to the counter.  "may i help you sir."  ick.  strike one.  massive deflation.  mumbled through scripts.  went and wandered around walmart while they were getting filled.  went back to the window.  different person, yay!  "here you are sir."  strike two.  so i forgotten to pick up some alleive, so i got it and went to the checkout.  "have a nice day, sir."

i sat in my car and cried for about 20 minutes.  figured that the other day was just a mistake. 

my doc called and wanted me to get another test done the next day at a different office.  so i said "the hell with it" and went in boy jeans and a hoodie.  walked morosely up to the counter.  receptionist looks up at me and smiles.  "may i help you ma'am?"




i'm becoming a believer.

Yeah, what is with that?