Facing the truth

[louise000]

When I was young I wanted to be a girl. I wanted soft skin, a pretty face and beautiful hair. I wanted to wear pretty clothes and join in all the things that girls did. I wanted to be treated like a girl. I was bullied and ridiculed until, as a school leaver, I decided I didn't want to be treated like that by my peers, so I started the classic process of over-compensating and trying to be as masculine as possible. People then liked me and for the first time I gathered new friends who treated me with respect.

But inside I still fantasized about being a girl and sometimes I felt ashamed of my desire to be able to live in the opposite sex.

Only when I reached my late fifties did I realise that now, in the twenty first century, such a transformation was possible and lots of younger people born male were transitioning to female. However, in the course of my life I had gathered many impediments to achieving my innermost wishes, i.e. marriage, friends, business, etc.  However, I was excited and wanted to go ahead and transition. An approach to my doctor produced a dismissive and negative response to my confidential revelations. I told my wife about my long held wish. Predictably this almost finished our relationship.

Now I am past sixty and one day a few weeks ago I came down to earth with a bump as I realised that, OK say I transitioned, what would I be? Answer, an old woman. Not the pretty young girl I always wanted to be. It's much, much too late for that. How much damage would I do to so many other relatives and friends, not to mention my wife, who loves the man she sees with her eyes? Just to become an old, unpassable woman. No thanks.

So I've accepted that I'll never transition now, even though I started on DIY hormones which I accept was a stupid thing to do. I'm going back to the old routine of living my life in a way that pleases others and causes nobody except me pain. And I'm trying to make the best of things.

Thanks for all the support I've received from members of this forum. I'm sure I'll hang around on here for a while yet.
L

[tekla]

At 60+ you have earned the right to live for yourself, and not for others. 

[deniz]

Well, my dear friend, i read your story and i found it really touching. Think you have one thing in common with all of us..WE ALL HAVE LOST OUR CHILDHOOD. There is never gonna be a compensation for that. That is the most painful thing in our lives( even to those who transitioned at a very early age).
So, even if you had transitioned many years ago, i believe the agony of time and the possibilities that were lost (and time goes by so quickly) would be present as well.
I have to agree you are old enough  to do such a great step, and there are lots of things you jeopardize.However, please do think!You might libe 20-30 years more. Do you want to live it as you once dreamed?as a girl and i mean as a lady(because no matter how you might look we ts never get old inside-we are always young kids. If the answer is YES then go ahead.You might lose your family, but staying the way you are, might lead you losing your self.
I can not understand people who transition at an ederly age,(above 50 or 60) but i can understand that we peoplesometimes we come to a point where we say ''I VE HAD ENOUGH. I WANT TO BE REAL.I WANT TO BE ME.so i am here to support you.No matter what you decide.
Best of luck.

[Sheila]

Louise,
   I started the process when I was 49 or somewhere around that age. I felt the same as you did until I just lost it one day or it was over a 6 month span. I just broke down and needed to see some professional help. She wasn't a gender therapist, but did know something about it. I talked to her about everything and what led up to the breakdown and attempted suicide. I just wanted to be me, once in my life it was going to be all about me. I went up to this place in Washington that put on Espirite and talked to a lot of people and found out a lot of information and I came to the conclusion of what I needed to do, to make my life whole and happy. My wife went with me and she went to the same seminars and a couple of others for partners of Trans people. I told her on the way home, I wanted to transition and I know that it could be hard on us and might even end a 30 year marriage. She told me that if I did this then she was going to leave me. I did see a doctor and continued my therapy and got on hormones. I started the electrolysis and began dressing androgenous. My wife began looking through books and it just happen one night we were watching one of those documentaries and she said that she understood what I was going through. It took about a year and she decided to stay. We told our kids and one accepted and the other didn't but still don't know if it had anything to do with the trans part. I transitioned and in 2004 I received my surgery and I have been very happy and feeling like I belong to this world. I don't think about suicide anymore and want to enjoy my life to the fullest. I retired from the other job and got a new job and I'm very happy where I am. I think everyone knows about me, but that is OK as I know about me too. I'm happy and that is the bottom line. Yes, I'm old, I was 54 at the time of surgery and now I'm 58. There was no decision for me. Life kind of made that decision for me. Therapy is the answer for those questioning.
Sheila

[Jordan]

At 60+ you have earned the right to live for yourself, and not for others. 

We have all earned this right regardless of age.

[tekla]

Life is a very different deal at different ages. to not understand that is to be young.   Live that reality.

[lady amarant]

I'll go with what Tekla and Mara said. You deserve the right to be happy and be you, even if only towards the later part of your life. Those people you worry about - if they love you and care for you they would want you to be happy hon.

Don't let them deny you your chance at being true to yourself.

[NicholeW.]

Louise, you have made decisions. While they may seem 'bad' later on they are simply what you thought was best at that time. Now you are making another; and I imagine it is right for you. So, who would deny the truth of your life and living it as best you can? If someone does pay them no mind. They have their own life.

May all peace be around and in you. Please be well.

Nichole

[Chaunte]

Louise,

Facing this truth is hard for someone our age.  We fought it for so long that the internal conflict is a part of our psyche.

However, a sence of peace comes with accepting this truth.

Chaunte  (age 50)

[louise000]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I guess maybe the fear of going back to the ridicule and shame I experienced in my childhood and teenage days may be greater than my GID, I don't know. All I can think of right now is that despite my GID, I have constructed a "normal" and socially acceptable life for myself with a wonderful wife and great friends. I've kept my inner self well hidden from everyone, except for my wife, who was mortally shocked and disgusted to hear from me that all my life I had believed myself to be a woman inside. That revelation nearly split us up and we have stayed together only because I no longer talk about it and have continued to act out my allotted role as a dutiful husband, therefore she thinks everything is OK. And I want her to be happy.

I'd just like to add that I admire all those of you who have gone ahead with transition despite being in the "older" category and hope that nobody has been offended in any way by anything I have said.
L.

[Berliegh]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I guess maybe the fear of going back to the ridicule and shame I experienced in my childhood and teenage days may be greater than my GID, I don't know. All I can think of right now is that despite my GID, I have constructed a "normal" and socially acceptable life for myself with a wonderful wife and great friends. I've kept my inner self well hidden from everyone, except for my wife, who was mortally shocked and disgusted to hear from me that all my life I had believed myself to be a woman inside. That revelation nearly split us up and we have stayed together only because I no longer talk about it and have continued to act out my allotted role as a dutiful husband, therefore she thinks everything is OK. And I want her to be happy.

I'd just like to add that I admire all those of you who have gone ahead with transition despite being in the "older" category and hope that nobody has been offended in any way by anything I have said.
L.

Louise, both your posts were a breath of fresh air and the straight down the line honesty in which they were presented. Transition is a very hard thing to do at any age and many do not see the physical bounderies that lie before them and imagine it being far easier that it actually is. I think if someone has established a male identity for nearly 60 years, it will be very hard to eradicate both physically and mentally. Yes, I know it can be achieved in some cases but I'm glad you came to what is probably the right decision for you.

I am a lot younger than you are (especially when I started out on this journey) but I have also had doubts about my own physical limitations and how little impact HRT has had on me. I always only wanted to transition to the highest standard and I thought in the beginning I was physically the right shape and had the right small bone structure to carry it off. But it's never as easy as you think but the earlier you transition the more it will be workable. My ideal age would have been 16 years old but when I was 16 it was very hard to gain access to anything remotely approaching treatment. I was in my mid 20's by the time I was able to access any form of hormones and even then I thought the timescale was against me. 

I also think that it's also going to be much harder for someone who has a long family life with children and has established that for many years. I never got married of reached that point in my life and it was partly to do with my long term feelings of being female. My decision to transition wasn't met with any surprise as I was always halfway there from an early age and I never really comprimised to a male identity.
 
I think a lot more people have the same feelings inside as Louise but have managed to supress them for as long as possible. There are no answers to any of this but I really admire people brave enough to come out and be downright and honest and say this might not be workable...

[Nigella]

Hi Louise:


I find that transition is not a beauty pageant, it's about making yourself comfortable with yourself.
For me, I had the decision whether I wanted to be a 50 year-old woman or a 50 year-old man.
Being a 20 year-old woman wasn't one of the choices.

Renate

(Actually, I'm only 49-1/2 right now.)

Me too 49 1/2, lol. Started to transition just last September, what a ride.

Hugs

Nigella

[Steph]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I guess maybe the fear of going back to the ridicule and shame I experienced in my childhood and teenage days may be greater than my GID, I don't know. All I can think of right now is that despite my GID, I have constructed a "normal" and socially acceptable life for myself with a wonderful wife and great friends. I've kept my inner self well hidden from everyone, except for my wife, who was mortally shocked and disgusted to hear from me that all my life I had believed myself to be a woman inside. That revelation nearly split us up and we have stayed together only because I no longer talk about it and have continued to act out my allotted role as a dutiful husband, therefore she thinks everything is OK. And I want her to be happy.

I'd just like to add that I admire all those of you who have gone ahead with transition despite being in the "older" category and hope that nobody has been offended in any way by anything I have said.
L.

Hello Louise.

I can certainly sympathize and associate with your situation.  My story is very similar to Sheila's except my 34 year marriage didn't survive transition.  I am now 56, an age some would consider old, but personally I feel that I'm in the prime of life, as age is just a number to chronicle our time on earth, no meaning really except to etch on a tomb stone to record your life span.

Of course as we get old things get harder, it's a fact of life, but to think the the world belongs to the young is quite wrong.  My own circumstances prevented me from transitioning at and earlier age, but I had to transition to achieve happiness, for if you can't be happy what's the point.

Remember:

"You must live before you die, the tragedy is not your death, it's not living your life."

Steph

[Purple Pimp]

Make damn sure that you choose to "not to" for yourself instead of somebody else . . .

The most important point here.  One thing, I think, that is common to all transpeople, and indeed to everyone who missed out on an important period of their lives, is that you're always kind of jealous of those who got more than you did.  People who transition at 50 can't help but be jealous of those who got to spend their 30s in the right gender, and people who transition at 30 can't help but be jealous of transitioners who got to live their 20s.  In my case, I'm a 21-year-old transitioner; people looking at me naturally wish that they had figured it out at my age and transitioned.  On the other hand, even I am jealous at those who got to spend their teen years in the proper gender, go to prom, have a high school boyfriend, etc.  No matter what age you transition at, you miss what you've missed.

So just because you're a bit older than the average transitioner, don't be swayed by that fact alone.  You're not dead yet!  After all, there are 70 year old transitioners out there who wish they would have acted at your age!

Of course, only you can decide what's best for you, weighing the pros and the cons.  But don't let your age be the major factor, because every transperson feels, to a certain extent, how you feel.  I think.

Lia

[NicholeW.]

Lia, I'm not 21 nor am I jealous. Nor, do I subscribe to this "No matter what age you transition at, you miss what you've missed."

If I have lived my life as best I could at any one time, then I shouldn't have 'missed' anything. Just my pov.

Nichole

[kimmie]

My self at 54 understand wot you or going throe. I all most did the same thing.
my wife look me, and told me to just be myself. It work for me.
      be your self , that is all 60 year. Ever day is new for us all.
         you wont make your wife happy if you lose yourself

                   Kim

[Bethany]

I started 2 1/2 years ago went full time feb 1 2008.   I really dont know what i would do if i had to go back, I never want to.  Everyone I came in contact with this (700 at work ) friends and family really didnt have a problem with it , I am the same person I was before ,except I am happy now and free of the 45 year lie. So I say you dont know until you try ,but I also know how scary it is. I wish you much luck in what ever path you choose but take the path in your heart.    Bethany

[Hypatia]

Yeah, I'm an old lady. I embrace that truth and I'm lovin it. My bumper sticker says CRONE - Creative Researcher Of New Experiences.

I'm not even that old yet. I'm 48--but thinking ahead. The women I admire most and want to emulate are mostly older than me. Color me unimpressed with youth thinking they're all that. Particularly young transitioners who act all arrogant toward us crones. But I forgive them since they don't know any better. 

I started the process when I was 45, went fulltime a few months ago at the age of 48, and yes I did feel like slapping my forehead, thinking back to my ignorant youth when I wanted to transition but bottled it back up, thinking it was impossible. If you tell yourself something is impossible, then it becomes so. The reverse is true too.

As for my family, I agree that if they understood they would not want to deny me the chance to live authentically. They don't understand, I forgive them for that. If they did understand, they would know I'm telling the truth that my only choice is either transition or die. I can't conceive of them wanting me to die. They just haven't accepted that this is the only way I can survive. What I do to survive right here and now, I owe apologies to no one.

Louise, you're on the right track when your aim is to be honest with yourself and live your truth. But you're mature enough to know that your understanding of that truth and how to engage with it may change over time. If your dysphoria grows too unbearable and you change your mind back again, we will not deride you for it. We understand how hard the dilemma is, we've been there. Ask those who have changed their minds back and forth about it over and over before finally committing. Just keep being honest with yourself is all I can advise you. The truth will set you free.

Louise, if you're still worried about the ridicule and shame you suffered for it when young, well, you're not in the same boat at all any more. I suggest letting go of that past because it's gone and cannot harm you now. However you deal with it now, please let it be in the here and now. Mature people can't be intimidated any more like when we were kids. By getting this far we've grown a spine and learned how to live from our inner motivations instead of conforming to the crowd. Anyway that's what maturity means to me.

If you find it a struggle, then a good gender identity therapist can help get this terrible dilemma sorted out to facilitate you making your own decisions.

[cindianna_jones]

I'm really glad to see this subject come up although I am saddened by the fact that Louise is feeling so hopeless.  I know that there are vast numbers who are in a similar situation.  We have many new members sign up here in the forums every day.  But few ever post.

These are lonely souls trying in some way to find a way for them self and are never quite able to do so for one reason or another.  Believe me... I know that they have a terrible time with this dilemma.

Louise, I understand your frustration.  I know how lost and hopeless you feel.  I will split with many here and suggest that your chosen course of action may be the correct one.  Only you can make that choice.  At this point in your life, you might be right to carry on with your commitments as husband and father.

But know this.  No matter what happens, there are always people out here in the ether willing to provide a virtual shoulder for you.  This forum is such a place.  If you get feeling down, this is a wonderful venue to vent your frustrations and explore solutions.  Not everyone will or can transition.  It just isn't meant to be.  Some of us can break the bonds and some can't.  No single path is ultimately the best choice for all.

Take heart and be happy.  Don't beat yourself up.  You are a good person.

Cindi

[Nero]

Jealous?  Not me!

I'll have much nicer breasts at 50 (in 6 months) than you'll have at 50 (in 29 years!) 

Besides, I planned this all out.  I'll live to 100, the first 50 years as a man, the last 50 years as a woman.

Renate

Lia, I'm not 21 nor am I jealous. Nor, do I subscribe to this "No matter what age you transition at, you miss what you've missed."

If I have lived my life as best I could at any one time, then I shouldn't have 'missed' anything. Just my pov.

Nichole

I'd have to agree with both of you.

If I had transitioned in my teens, there are a lot of things I wouldn't have had - the ability to embrace my boyfriend and hold hands walking the halls comes to my mind as well as many other things.
I wouldn't give up my 20s for the world. They were a blast (well cept the last few years were hell, having nothing to do with gender though).
And now at age 29 and beyond, I get to live as a man (provided my health keeps improving).

So, I really don't feel as though I missed out by not transitioning earlier. And I love what Renate said about - '50 years as a man, 50 years as a woman'. Really, what could possibly be more romantic than to have experienced life as both sexes?