Condeming Parents

[spike]

I would like to know how to best support my boyfriend/fiancée re: very judgmental and unaccepting parents. They are not just mean they are cruel to him. It is very painful to see him hurt like that nearly every time he talks to them (particularly her). I want to tell him not to talk to them at all but it is not my decision. What have other people done? I did think they would come a round but I am not so sure now. Are there other stories like this and how did things turn out? 

[Robyn]

Google PFLAG and look at our transgender page (TNET).  They may benefit from a TNET pamphlet called Our Trans Children and/or from the book edited by Mary Boenke called Trans Forming Families.  (Info available at PFLAG and also stocked by Amazon.)  We're not allowed to post the URLs.

Note : the URL for TNET can be found in susans Links pages under youth

[stephanie_craxford]

I would like to know how to best support my boyfriend/fiancée re: very judgmental and unaccepting parents. They are not just mean they are cruel to him. It is very painful to see him hurt like that nearly every time he talks to them (particularly her). I want to tell him not to talk to them at all but it is not my decision. What have other people done? I did think they would come a round but I am not so sure now. Are there other stories like this and how did things turn out? 

While I am not a significant other, being myself TS, I think that you can simply be there for him, stand by his side and support him in the face of the condemning parents.  Often parents feel that they have some how failed in  that their child "turned out this way", not realizing that it had nothing to do with them and that there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.  Additionally the parents can feel shame and embarrassment in front of their friends and family who have raised "normal" children.  It really seems that they are in denial and are lashing out.

You are probably right that given time and space they may indeed come round, but there are no guarantees.  Being by his side throughout all this is a great way to start, but be warned it can be hard as you could very well be blamed to all his troubles.  Cutting off all communication with his parents is not the best move, and I would not recommend it.  You  should both keep talking with them letting them know that you/he is still there and that you are not going away.  But when the insults or what ever start then he should simply say to the parents:

"Like you not being able to understand my situation I can't begin to understand your situation either, and until we can sit down and talk about this rationally then there is no point in talking further today."

or something like that and leave it at that until the next time you both see them.  Hopefully with time the parents may feel comfortable enough, or worn out enough to want to talk as the one thing in the world they can't change is the fact that he is their child.  Blood is thicker than water and if it's worth fighting for then fight for it, however your happyness is every bit as important as theirs, if not more so.

Just my two cents.

Steph

[spike]

Thank you for your responses.  I guess just being there is good enough sometimes. I am so angry at his mother though for being harsh with him. I have not met the family yet. Their religious beliefs don't allow for trans (or what in their mind is a lesbian relationship). They do know we are together but they have no idea we are getting married next year. I am very concerned about how they will take that & his ongoing transition. I am very glad to have found this site b/c I need the support of others, SO and Trans.  THANKS again. Spike

[MarcosGirl]

Spike,

My situation is similar, yet different from yours in that I am 40 years old, so I am dealing with condeming family members, not parents.  I am the S.O. of an FtM just beginning transition (Marco).  We are both going through divorces, have children from those marragies and desire to spend the rest of our lives together.  Marco's situation, as far as family members are concerned, is o.k..  His oldest daughter, who is my daughter's best friend is not taking it well, but is trying to work through it.  My family, on the other hand, are the totally intolerant ones (except for my dad).  First, let me clarify that I consider myself to be a straight female.  Although Marco was born a biological female, I see him for the man that he is on the inside.  I have never in my life been attracted to women (not that there is anything wrong with this, I'm just saying how I am).  My ex-husband and my sister (and I am sure other family members too) can't get past the "lesbian" issue and truly try to understand transsexualism.  Because they persistantly tell my kids that their mother is in a lesbian relationship, my kids are having a very difficult time with this.  They are really confused, and I feel that without any family support to back me, they can't even get to a point where they can process this from an unbiased standpoint.

I get extremely angry when my family says cruel things about Marco or refuses to refer to him with masculine pronouns because I realize that this type of thing is one of the most difficult things transsexuals endure while going through transition.  I love him and feel helpless at times because I just wish I could do something magic and make it easier for him.  Then, when my family is just making it more difficult, I really feel bad.

Well...after my rambling...let me make my point.  Just be true to yourselves and your love for each other.  Be supportive of your fiance and most importantly...be there to listen to him.  One thing I have realized is that I have no control how my family members act, and they may never come around.  I just need to give them the space to process this and come to an understanding in their own time and not try to force my situation upon them.  I have set boundaries with my family members...when anything disrespectul or cruel comes out of their mouths, I terminate the conversation until they can be civil.

Hopefully, in time, our families can realize that love and happiness is what makes the world a better place, not condemnation and hate.
                                                              Take care,
                                                                    Pam

[spike]

Pam: I know what you mean by being upset when others refuse to use the proper pronouns, name etc. His parents do that to him. I do have some extremely good news. He told his Grandma and she was very, very supportive! Previously he had only scary responses from his family. He sorta asked me not tell my family. He said "Why do they ever need to know?" I had told one aunt and she was completely cool about it. I doubt my family would outwardly harm him. I also doubt they would 'get it' either. I am so happy in our relationship. This support for Grandma about the surgery, name change, wedding etc is so valuable to me. A HUGE relief. I was consumed for a couple weeks with the other family's negativity. I just couldn't shake it. I want to just yell at her or tell her she is being mean and punishing and to just stop it. Take care Spike

[Melissa]

Your fiance's parents sound just like mine.  Nothing has been resolved yet.  I had not talked to them about it for a while and it came up again last Saturday.  Since last night, I have been having email correspondence with them.  The have a lot of misconceptions as well as being extremely religeous and republican (a dangerous combination).  I don't know if it will work out and am still trying to test where the invisible boundaries are on their acceptance.  I do know they don't want me dead and that they said they would be there for me if I detransitioned.  Other than that, it feels like they are just attacking me.  They said they will never call my by my female name or use correct pronouns because I am being selfish and "rejecting" the name they gave me.  I have a lot of stuff still to say to them, so I have plenty of fuel to keep the fire going between us.  If I feel like it doesn't go anywhere, then I may just give up on them all together.

Melissa

[MarcosGirl]

Spike,

That is great news about his Grandma!  Get support where ever you can.  I think your fiance is right about telling your family.  If they don't need to know, I wouldn't tell them.  It may save a lot of unnecessary heart ache.  Unlike the rest of my family, my dad is very understanding of my situation.  He's always been there with unconditional love for me.  My mom was too until she passed away 11 years ago.  I wish you guys all the best!!

Take care,
Pam

[spike]

Hmmm I am quite skeptical. Apparently Grandma talked to mom. Mom is now saying she is accepting of him, as long as he doesn't alter himself physically. 

Also mom wants to meet my daughter and I. Oh dear I think he/we are going to get hurt. And I am terrified of this woman. I am sure she'll be sickly sweet to my face but I have over heard her thoughts and opinions on a few things and let's just say we don't see eye to eye. I want to tell him to be cautious but he is so excited she has budged at all. Sigh. Maybe this is a huge break through for her. She has been very closed minded about his entire experience until now.  Perplexed