I am so desparate for SRS and get depressed so often about it that I don't even know where to start...
There are people here (and elsewhere) that say surgery is a decision with such lifelong consequences that money should never be a factor in your decision. I wish I could completely agree with this philosophy. However, so many people don't understand how it has become a life or death situation for so many TS's. When I talk to people close to me, they often insinuate during conversation that if I have to wait another 10 or 15 years that I'll just have to wait another 10 or 15 years, like it's no big deal. Now I am sure I am not alone here in having suicidal thoughts in the past, and the thought of having to wait even another 10 years immediately makes me think I probably would not be able to last that long. I would not hesitate to say that I am much more frustrated now than I was before transition. And not because I'm not happy living in my chosen gender, but rather because before transition I had a life, money, girlfriends, a future. Now I work two jobs because I had to take a pay cut because I came out of the closet as trans and am also trying to save for SRS. I can't date. I get asked out, but I can't go out with them because I fear for my safety (and my job), and I feel if I didn't have these fears that I would probably have more guys interested in me because I probably give off "don't mess with me" vibes now. Although, I have no doubt in my mind that once I have SRS that I will be able to live a virtually normal life as a girl.
Before surgery I would see girls in public and be jealous of them for every possible reason... clothes, hair, voice, name, personality, boyfriends, vagina, etc. It was this nagging voice in my head that said, "You know you want to be her." Now it's just boyfriend and a God-given vagina, and the latter affects the ability to have the former. But now that nagging voice has turned into one which screams, "OH MY GOD. I AM SO DESPARATE I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SRS!!!!!" To people who aren't TS I sometimes explain it like this. You've finally gotten that long sought after Ferrari, the one everybody in public would literally drool over, but you are FORCED to leave it sitting in the garage. That's the way I feel about being a girl. At my last job a guy found out about my TS status but understood the dangers of telling anyone else so he didn't But he let down the wall that guys and girls put up and he started telling me things that guys would never tell girls. For example, he said that I had every guy on the jobsite panting over me and that it was a well-known fact amongst all of them that I was incredible. Like I told him, "That's just great! Now I know that I COULD HAVE gone out with any one of them." Of course, he found it particularly amusing that all of these guys would FREAK if they knew. He took pleasure in that, and I let him
I have digressed... badly. But it was all to make point. I have personally experienced Dr. Brassard's work because early in my transition a 7 month post-op woman asked me to give it a test run (yeah, i know. kind of weird). Outstanding! I have always said I wanted to go to Dr. Brassard. But this woman who had been there earned $300,000 a year, and still her parents gave her the money for it! But now, in my current financial situation, I can't honestly say that if I could go to Thailand for half the price I wouldn't. I would really prefer Dr. Brassard, but I am to the point where I have to ask myself, "Do I want to go to Thailand in a couple years, or Dr. Brassard 5 or 10 years from now?" Easy decision.
Now I have to start researching it all, prices, availabilty, etc. If anyone has any prices, procedures, etc. on Canadian versus Thai surgeons the info would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps private message them to me? If Chettawut has a good history, a good price, and does a one stage procedure then I am seriously considering him.
You'll be seeing me around more often. And no, I won't rant like this every time >
Thanks for listening!
Amy
