FYI: this is going to be a moderately dull and rambling post about my mother and my theory I can lump the blame to her... which, yes, I know is bad...
At the start of the nineties, my Mum was a nurse and my Dad was a driving instructor. They were married and life was running relatively smoothly, so then they had me. And, of course, just my luck, six months after they had me Britain went into deep economic recession, which led to my Dad not being able to have enough work and losing his job. So my Dad was a House Husband for the first two years of my life, while my mum worked. Apparently, my Mum also went through post-natal depression... so there wasn't much maternal bonding going on.
Now, I don't know anything about psychology, and I don't claim to, but that period in my life seems to be where everything went wrong from. And the thing is, it's just
kept going wrong. It still is. I believe the term for women like my mother is "Refrigerator Mother" - and I don't really like that term, basically says to me someone's as loveable as a White Good and gives the same amount of love back - which seems a little harsh - so maybe that's not quite right. The thing is, I don't think I've ever got anything much better than acceptance. She's not really condemned much I've done, but any praise she gives has always seemed painfully insincere, even when I was so young you might not think that I couldn't tell things like that, I
could tell. I'm not sure if I've been living in fear of her and in fear of disapproval, or whether I've just never misbehaved because I wanted some real praise so badly. I don't claim to be a
saint or anything, but I've really never done anything much wrong. I've never done anything fantastically great, but nothing wrong. I do my damn best, and what do I get in return from her? Nothing. No reaction. Or she gives a stupidly over the top - almost sounding sarcastic at times type reaction. Like with my yr10 Science exam where I got the top grade... ugh, it was sickening to watch/listen to her. I would rather that she was just
happy for me than think that she has to do her stupid pseudo-excitement routine.
So yeah, that's where we stand with each other - a million miles apart - and now onto the whole gender thing...
All my life I've been a tomboy, but up until about seven I was
willing to wear pink (though never a dress
) and was fine with my being a girl. But I didn't (and still don't) have a female role model that I wanted to imitate... so somewhere along the line of psychological development I've just stopped trying to find one. That could've been longer ago than I can remember, or it could've been about a year ago when I first started thinking about gender seriously. I don't know. But I've been thinking, is it possible that my mother caused all of this gender confusion by never bonding with me? Obviously, that's a question that I'm unlikely to ever get answered, as no one knows what causes transsexualism, and I don't think we ever will, to be honest. It's so insanely complicated...
Though it seems to me that my relationship with my mum is simple - we know we have nothing in common and are not remotely similar in any way - so neither of us can be bothered to try and make things better. That's never been said, of course (we're far too British to ever
say such things) but I reckon we both know it.
So she's been moved out for seven months, and you know what - I'm glad. I feel disturbed about myself to say it, but I'm happy that my parents aren't together and that I don't share a house with my mum any more. I'm relieved, and I'm pleased she's gone.
I'm trying not to be, but I am, so what's the point in pretending I miss her when I don't? What's the point pretending to like her when I don't, and why don't I dare put a foot wrong in her presence?
Because I still want some sort of reaction. Not a negative one, though that's the only one I can ever get.
Gah, my upbringing was messed up... anyway, these are just random thoughts of mine on my life and how I came to be this way... just for my venting and your musings if you could be bothered to read it all...
N.B. I'm not going to be around at all for a few days - 'till Monday... 17th next week, so if you post here it'll be a while before I read it.
