correcting the persona

[lady amarant]

I think I realised this weekend just how much more there is to transition than fixing the physical. Physical is downright easy, in fact.

My instincts are female, compelling nurture, comfort, consolation. The way I react to violence, to conflict. The way I react to the sadness of others. the way I react to my own wants and needs. All female.

My identity is female. I have a kinship with women rather than men. I gravitate towards them, prefer their company, the way they interact, the way they view the world. More than that, I see myself with female eyes, think of myself as such.

But until fairly recently, for the majority of my life, I went against every instinct and feeling, and I learned to think like a guy. Of course, I sucked at being one, because going aginst your nature like that is hard work, but nevertheless, it's all I know. I was socialised a guy, once I allowed it to happen, and my female self was suppressed and rejected.

So fast-forward 20 years. I've begun once again to live in harmony with my nature, largely thrown off the male shell except for the barest minimum I need to function in society before and during transition.

But what do I replace it with? I never built up a female persona. I never had the opportunity to socialise and interact as one. Never allowed myself to suffer the fears, the joys, the pains and pleasures of womanhood.

How do you cram 20-odd years of experiences and learning and growth into a snap of the fingers? You need to build both the body and the persona to match your inner self, but it kinda becomes a chicken and egg situation of needing both. If you lack the physical, people react to what they see, a male. Yet if you lack the persona, the social aspects etc. You'll be read easily, and they'll react to what they perceive - a male.

So yeah, that was my little weekend crisis. Realisation processed and assimilated, and I'm all better now. Knuckle down and Nike - eventually, after years of awkward in-between-ness, it will come. Doesn't make it any less scary, or any easier.

[Sarah]

Practice.
Time.
Patience.
Maybe understanding and love.

Sara

[soldierjane]

Relax and let go of the learned behavior little by little. Listen to yourself and actively cancel out the bad stuff but don't rush, it takes time like Sara said. Starting at 20 is not bad at all, some people start much later and still manage quite well to be their own selves.
The goal is to be someone you are comfortable being, remember?

It's good to see you back on track, Simone

[Schala]

I never built either a male or a female persona. Nothing to unlearn and everything to learn. Ageplay helps me cope some with my missing time. I've learned a lot of rational things through school, but I don't consider it 'personality' because it doesn't have to do with behavior, at all. Even thought patterns isn't something I learned in school. I probably had a basic persona, which I laid dormant when things got too hectic, and now got her out 3 years ago. I'm much of a child, with an adult's body.

[Constance]

I found that I had built a male persona. I also found that my life seemed like one unending identity crisis.

Then when I began to more fully express my androgyny, I felt my identity crisis suddenly ended. I don't really know yet what my identity is, and perhaps it's just too fluid to nail down yet. But, this realization has made me happier than I've been in sometime.

So now, I am correcting my persona, too. I'm shedding the outwardly "male" characteristics that I'd assigned to myself, and just being me. I realize I'm just getting started, and I realize it won't all be roses and joyousness the whole time. But, it seems the persona can be corrected. But as persona (for me at least) is based on habit, it seems that the first step is break the habit.

[lady amarant]

Relax and let go of the learned behavior little by little. Listen to yourself and actively cancel out the bad stuff but don't rush, it takes time like Sara said. Starting at 20 is not bad at all, some people start much later and still manage quite well to be their own selves.
The goal is to be someone you are comfortable being, remember?

It's good to see you back on track, Simone

More like 27. I only really started suppressing myself from my very early teens. Before that I fought tooth and nail to be me, but effeminate little boy in conservative Afrikaans primary school and area did not mix well.

But yeah, I'm glad to be back too. Two years later at 29, and I've hopefully still got at least two thirds of my life ahead of me.

Posted on: 11 March 2008, 09:08:47

it seems that the first step is break the habit.

Hehe. Reminds me of an old favourite I haven't listened to in a while:

[Kate]

But what do I replace it with? I never built up a female persona. I never had the opportunity to socialise and interact as one. Never allowed myself to suffer the fears, the joys, the pains and pleasures of womanhood.

Let go, open yourself up to life, and allow life to mold you into who you always were. Same as for ANY woman or girl growing up. The experience will change you, you'll evolve as you go. Trust in that.

Yes, it's overwhelming at times to just sorta be dumped into a woman's life suddenly as many of us are, but... you learn. You grow. And the neat thing? It happens all by itself, IF you allow it. You don't have to "do" anything, figure out anything, none of that. Just let it happen.

~Kate~

[Seshatneferw]

Yep. Don't build a new persona to replace the old one -- that would be almost as fake, just in a different way. If you try to create a female persona there's a big risk of getting trapped into stereotypes (and male stereotypes of what a woman is, at that), but if you just do what feels right you'll become your kind of woman. And that really is the whole point.

It isn't any easier, though. But you can do it.

  Nfr

[lady amarant]

Yep. Don't build a new persona to replace the old one...

Yeah, that isn't exactly what I was getting at. I realise that growing into myself as a woman is going to take time, simply because it IS growing rather than building. But there are aspects of it that we most definitely have a big lot to catch up on, especially the socialised aspects of it.

Granted, looking at some of the GG's hanging around the South of London, I feel a bit better, because hell they are scary. And I'm not judging here, but when I see a side-tied ponytail, headband and oversized tracksuit, I head in the other direction.

[Seshatneferw]

Well, yes. Still, keep in mind that your overall goal is not to change what you are in order to fit in a (new) social role, but rather change to a social role that fits what you are. The difference between these two approaches may never show on the outside, but in terms of mental well-being it's important.

  Nfr

[Constance]

Well, yes. Still, keep in mind that your overall goal is not to change what you are in order to fit in a (new) social role, but rather change to a social role that fits what you are. The difference between these two approaches may never show on the outside, but in terms of mental well-being it's important.

  Nfr

Well said.

[jenny_]

Yeah, that isn't exactly what I was getting at. I realise that growing into myself as a woman is going to take time, simply because it IS growing rather than building. But there are aspects of it that we most definitely have a big lot to catch up on, especially the socialised aspects of it.

You're right about the difficult part being the non-physical things. But don't worry about it, its a journey and it may look long, but with every step you take you're growing.  So don't look at how far you have to go, but look at how far you've come.  Let yourself grow naturally and in a year you'll look back and see just how much you've progressed.

And you don't need to worry about people perceiving you as male just because of your persona at the moment.  Every girl is different, and theres loads that have so called 'male' characteristics.

*hugs*
jenny
x x

[Hypatia]

I recall Dr. Spock's advice: "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

You've already posted the answer to your problem:

My instincts are female, compelling nurture, comfort, consolation. The way I react to violence, to conflict. The way I react to the sadness of others. the way I react to my own wants and needs. All female.

My identity is female. I have a kinship with women rather than men. I gravitate towards them, prefer their company, the way they interact, the way they view the world. More than that, I see myself with female eyes, think of myself as such.

All you need, you got right there. Just hang out in the company of other women, notice how their ways of interacting with each other naturally resonate with your own instincts. Easily, instinctively, without even really needing to think about it, find yourself behaving right in tune with them. The male persona was never really you. It isn't bonded to you. As your post shows, you've already detached from it. Let it naturally fall away. Maybe it already has. Just relax and be your real self. The other women around you will pick up on that and their very presence will lift you up to their level, provide you all the support and encouragement you need. The more you keep interacting with them, the more you will forget you were ever forced into something phony. Anyway, that's how it worked for me, and I didn't even begin until I was twice your age.

I remember a song from a women's circle healing ritual--
The past is over, it can touch me not
Let's celebrate now with all we've got