Hello everyone! Well, I have read a lot of posts throughout these forums, and I have decided to introduce myself. Well, I actually do not even know where to begin, how about at the present and work my way to the past. Twist it up for all of you!
I am currently married and I have a child. I had never dated a girl before my wife. I never had an urge to either. I had just moved into this new town and found a new job and we ran into each other there. Before this I had been an exchange student to Japan and was wanting to return eagerly. So I just got a job anywhere to save some cash and head back with a bachelor's in hand to teach english there. Why? I don't know...Anyway, back to when we met. At first, it was just a new friend. A friend to show me around town, hang out with (I mean after all, I was all alone in this new area), and just talk to. Well, one day I was over at her place watching a movie and laying in her lap while she was running her fingers through my hair, when she made a move on me. I kind of just laid there, and that was the end of that. The next day we actually kissed. Why? Well, maybe because she was the first person to ever give me the attention and care that I never had before. So I tried it out, but first, I had let her know of a problem of mine.
After a long talk, she said she had deep feelings for me (of course she had been engaged and it was broken off, and she had like four boyfriends after that, and all this was just before me), and that she wanted to help me "get-over" it. So, I tried, and we had sex one time and poof! A kiddo was made *sob*. No sobbing actually, I really love my child, but the thing is, I never "got-over" the issue at hand. It is like an alcoholic that drinks to escape a problem, but the problem still isn't fixed. After two years of marriage, I came out and told her that I still was not happy.
Ever since I was little I had only friends that were female, I lived with only my mother and aunt. I was dragged to all of my mother's friends' homes and get-togethers. Was I somehow conditioned to think I was a female? I doubt it, because a person will reject what they feel is not right internally. Also, I liked being in these environments, I enjoyed this lifestyle, but I hated the anatomical differences that seperated me from my interests, friends, and feelings. I have just grown up hating my sex, my body disgusts me, not because I do not take care of it, but simply because of its appearance. My mother had told me once that during a sonogram they had declared I was female. Then, just to ensure I was ok, another was taken because my mother had been bitten by a brown recluse, but they said this time, "nope, this baby is male." I blame it on the spider!
Well, during my teenage years I did try to move on and over come my urge to change my associated gender polarization bestowed upon me from that spider. I would do all the macho male things, make myself feel and believe I was truly a male at heart. I played football...WHICH I HATED FOR THE LIFE OF ME! I could not stand being that rough and dirty, sheesh. I even joined the army after high school, which I got honorable discharged for my gender identity problem, they just said I had a personality problem that would hinder my proformance and bam! I was out. The army was crazy! What in the world was I trying to prove there, I am not this macho-crapo stuff. I like to sew and make new clothing designs. Which is why I have a major in Fashion Design.
Ok, back to the wife thing. She said I would have to leave when the time came to "transition". I would still be able to see my child, and we would still be friends, but our relationship (love) will cease to exist. Which is what hurts me the most, because I truly have feelings for her.
That is my life in a nutshell, or probably a pea shell/capsule, whatever.
P.S. Please hate on your own time. (Hehe, I love that saying. I use to work for this call center and some people would make deals while others did not get a single deal all day, but when a person did make a deal, we would all clap. Yet, some would not, and our floor manager would say, "Give 'em a round of applause, hate on your own time".
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