Hello everyone, I'm posting because I think I've come to a few realizations that I would like to say. I've finally accepted myself as a crossdresser, which is certainly more than the transvestic fetishist that I was considering before. I've come to this conclusion in a few ways. Firstly, I've been dressed up nearly every night I've gone to bed, I don't even wear my usual bed clothes anymore. And just last night, my parents had left the house to go out for the evening, and as soon as they left, I knew what I wanted to do, and so went searching for something feminine to wear. I went through my own collection and found nothing I wanted to put on. Then I started searching around, and I found a few dresses stored away in the attic, some even with the tags will attached, my mother having never even worn them once. I found this black dress with the tags dangling from it. It was long sleeve (a good thing, I have hair on my arms), came down to just above the knee, and it fit my body well, giving me a pretty feminine shape. I suspected it was old then, it certainly wouldn't have fit my mother now.
I found a pair of black thigh high stockings, and I also found a pair of black seude heels my mother had, so I took those. Before I put all this on, I went into the bathroom and shaved my face, something I don't do often (I usually have a fairly thick beard, I think it makes me look older, and combined with my long hair I somewhat resemble Johnny Damon of the Boston Red Sox). Then I dressed myself--yes panties too but no bra because there's nothing to support, and I had tried wearing one, but I thought I looked more ridiculous with it on than not, so I had some dignity about me and went flat-chested--and went to go have a look in the full-length mirror. I thought I looked passable, and with some makeup, I might have even been pretty. I immediately looked for a camera, so I could take a photo or two to show everyone, but the digital camera I found didn't have a flash card, and I couldn't find it anywhere. I eventually gave up looking. I went about my normal business. I walked around the house for the very first time dressed up; I let out the dog, which was very exciting because I had to actually leave the house, even for only a moment or two; and I sat down to watch some television. I was still very paranoid, and looked for my parents vehicle to pull into the driveway at any moment. But then I started thinking, and this was the most startling thing to me yet...
I had seriously considered just staying there, sitting on the couch, waiting for my parents to walk through the front door. I had wanted to get caught. In fact, I would have allowed myself to get caught. The fact of the matter is--and I ran this thought through my head several times--I'm a grown man now, I'm too old to be ashamed of myself, and it's about time I've come to terms with who I am and what I do, and I felt free and confident enough to share this with everybody... or at least starting with my parents to gauge how they would react. I felt nice sitting there wearing those clothes, I liked it, it was different and I felt I could express some other part of me that would not have looked right had I been dressed as a man. If I was comfortable like this, then my parents would have to be comfortable with it too. They may have gained a third daughter, at least part of the time.
On a side note, it's terrible how society does that to people, instilling gender roles based solely on genitalia, and how a man dresses should dictate how he should act. The fact that if I wanted to act feminine I had to dress feminine in order to get even a little acceptance (and even, maybe, to accept myself [psycologicially?]) and comply with social norms is a little unfair. If a man is dressed like a woman, and he acts like a woman, everyone around him will think to themselves, "well, he's dressed like a lady, so he's acting like a lady." Thus, he may be a perfectly straight male, but at the moment he's dressed like a female, so maybe it's just an act. If the same man was dressed as a man and acted like a lady, the thought that most often occurs would probably be, "well, he must be a homosexual." And I'm not a homosexual... at least I don't think I am. Speaking of homosexuals, I used to be a little homophobic. Now, I don't think I am anymore. I'm finally comfortable with myself, and thus, I'm comfortable with them. I don't have anything to fear anymore.
Back to my story, I believe I would have let myself be discovered by my parents as soon as they came home. But something happened, and my plan was foiled. My father's friend had shown up, I saw him outside on the cell phone, I suppose he was waiting for my folks to arrive so he could stop by and say hello or whatever. I ran upstairs, I was angry that this had happened. It would have been difficult enough doing it just with my two parents, but now it was impossible with him here. He's a loudmouth and a clown, and while he can make you laugh, I didn't want someone like him here when I came out of the closest, so to speak. I didn't want to be made fun of, and I didn't want to embarrass my father in front of others. I wanted his honest reaction, and I would only get it if it was just him and my mother. Soon enough my parents arrived, and I moved as fast as I had ever moved before trying to get undressed, just in case my parents came upstairs. I had to call down to my mother when she asked if I was home (of course I was, where else was I going to go?), and I struggled to undo all the little buttons and take off the heels and stockings, and then get redressed in my usual jeans and t-shirt.
I went downstairs to show myself that everything was A-OK. My mother asked if everything was alright, and my father was the first to notice that I had shaved my beard. They all seemed pleased at this. My mother asked a few more times if I was OK, and I just got angry and yelled at her for asking a stupid question. In reality, it wasn't so stupid a question, I was a little upset that I was ready to reveal myself and my plot had been dashed. Women are better at reading emotion in people, so maybe even deep down subconsciously she knew something was up. Of course my father agreed with me, he sees things only skin deep (although I suspect my father always has thoughts of ulterior motives with everything that everyone does... a piece of his businessman-like behavior). The only way to get through to him was for him to see his son wearing a dress.
I understand that it will not always be; dressed as man, act like man, dress like woman, act like woman. That as I get older, these two parts will eventually come together into one single person. The problem is, how does a person like this dress? Like I said up above, a man that acts feminine has certain assumptions made about him. As does a man dressed like a woman. While I'm sure I won't care what anyone else thinks, I am a believer in clothes make the man. For example, people dressed gothic are trying to tell everyone something about themselves. It's not for me how I dress (well, it is, but as far as going out into public), but for others so they know who I am and what I'm about, and if they approach me, that it's because they're OK with how I look. But if I'm neither all man or all woman (let's assume that physical gender and personality being opposite of each other), what does one wear? Will my personality change based on how I'm dressed, similar to how it does now? Or will it be more fluid than that; I will dress based on how I feel, rather than how I want to feel? These are the questions I try not to dwell on, I'm perfectly fine with seeing how things turn out naturally, as long as I'm honest with myself. This is how I've been able to make so much progress in so little time, because I've opened up to myself first, and everything else has fallen into place.
I just wanted to tell everyone this story, I hope it can help other young people who are confused about themselves. I admit I'm not experienced at all, but relating my story is the least I can do. Thank you for taking the time to read about me, and anything you have to say I'll be willing to listen to.
