I've been lurking at Susan's now for a few months, making an occasional post, but realized yesterday that I have never formally introduced myself.
I'm 52, an accountant by profession, and like a lot of other MTF's here, have been 'dressing' and dealing with feminine feelings for a long time. I've been in therapy for the past three years primarily for gender dysphoria and depression. I suffered with a bout of major depression that sidelined me for the better part of two years (2002 to 2004). Since early last year, I've been out in public a number of times as "myself". It keeps feeling more and more natural to be "Carol" than "John".
I have to operate in stealth, however, as my wife doesn't believe anything that the therapist and I have discussed. She told me to leave if I ever "felt like a woman". She can't see the feminine side of me, and I doubt if she ever will. My "outings" have to be totally in secret, and in places where I'm unlikely to be seen by those we know.
Even though I enjoy being Carol, I still somewhat relish the role as a husband and father. My children are grown, so we have an "empty nest" most of the time. I'm sure the question will be asked, "Why don't you separate?" I have a HUGE fear of failure. Somehow, some way, I need to be sure that I want to make Carol a permanent part of my life before I separate from my wife. I have had a number of "failures" in my life since 1998 (job changes and financial) and I admit that I constantly berate myself for them. So it's important that I don't just "up and go" without really KNOWING if I'm really TS or just some mixed-up weird crossdresser.
As for "passing", I don't know whether or not that I do. The only stares I get are very occasional, and are from teenage girls (they would pick up ANYTHING awry). I've been "maam'd" a number of times, and in spite of little voice training, have even held a conversation with a gg outside Wal-Mart one day. I've even tried on clothes as Carol without a stare from the dressing room attendants.
I'm on a light dose of Premarin right now, though probably not enough that you could call it HRT. I've been on a number of antidepressants and other neurological medications the past few years, and only tried estrogen out of pure desperation when the others quit working. It's had a profound impact on my ability to think, work, and stay calm under stress. Strangely enough, my wife accepts the estrogen as a necessary evil, and has remarked that the difference in me using estrogen versus not using estrogen is profound. There's a terrible temptation on my part to vastly increase the dosage, but until my mind is more settled, I'm reluctant to do so. I think that suddenly growing breasts would be the wrong way to end my 26 year marriage.
That's really it for now. I plan to keep on posting here, hopefully gaining knowledge from those who have blazed this trail before.
Carol
