Hello everyone,
I recently found this forum by accident, and I think it's changed my entire life.
To begin, I was looking up some info on the Meyer's Briggs personality types, and on the page of personality tests there was also a gender test. I don't know why but I decided to take it. For some reason as I went to submit the test I felt some anxiety, and the weird part was that when it told me I was female (Born a boy) I was relieved. In the past I have on several occasions thought that I may be a girl in a guy's body.
MtF so to speak. But I feel like I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be a hypocrite or lie especially to myself (that deep hate of hypocrisy probably comes from lying to myself since forever and never knowing it).
I knew I wouldn't feel completely right as a woman, and I had so much practice being a guy that it was always easy to brush those MtF thoughts off as sort of periods of "weakness" (now I know that it actually was weakness... but not in the way I had been tricking myself into believing).
I decided to take another test. So I looked for one that didn't ask direct questions I found one with only shapes and colors, and I got the same results. So I tried another one. This one claimed to accurately guess my gender 100% of the time.
So I took the test honestly, and when it got to the results I think something just instantly clicked. The results were plotted out with male on the left and female on the right, and it said "We are 0% sure that you are FEMALE.", and the little dot thing was right in the middle of the two. It said only 7% of the people who took the test scored there. So I got excited at the idea that there might be people similar to me, but I had no idea how similar... I've been reading all the posts here and I would say so far 99% of what people have said always seems to apply to me, in that way where you highlight the exact phrase you've always used to identify yourself, and yet someone here is saying the exact same thing.
I didn't even feel like I need any direction. It was like I finally for the first time knew exactly what to do. I instantly felt like I knew the steps I wanted to take next (I think that somewhere in my head I always knew this would happen and I was ready and packed for when it did)
I also realized some creepy things. The first is that my whole childhood (with the exception of this and that) is blocked out of my mind. The weird part is that I've known that I can't recall any of it for years now but I've never worried about it even once. I'm working on getting a therapist to dig into the past.
The second thing I realized is of course that I've been lying to myself for years. I remember being told as a kid that I needed to get rid of that giggle and laugh like a man soon since I was growing up. And in my head I was like... What? Why? That was my first memory of me consciously changing myself to be more masculine.
I didn't see anything wrong with it, because I figured everyone else who was a guy had to do that kind of stuff all the time. I thought that was what being a man was. Doing this list of pointless and hard actions that gained you social acceptance. I started getting so fake in the past years after I came home from my third year of college that I decided to reinvent myself on a whim to be the perfect alpha male. All I did was take the traits I found in people I liked or respected and stole the good ones for myself (everything from social intelligence, and smile, to body language, Sense of humor). Somehow I'm really good at doing that sort of thing; probably from so much faking (is anyone else like that here?)
Well over the last year and a half I've gained about 60 friends and I'm usually the life of the party, and almost every girl I know seems to be sexually interested in me. (Which sucks, because I would rather some of them be closer friends) So it did work, but it was all a lie. I got to the point where I could read someone's body language and almost pick apart what they were thinking, and then I'd say it for them (mostly as party entertainment). I'd say about half my friends believe I'm psychic, but I'm actually sure it's just really good woman's intuition.
Sorry this is so long and unorganized. I've never told anyone any of this, and I'm excited, and I'm doing it all wrong but I'm trying to get it out.
My friends like to joke that I look like a 14 year old boy. I don't know if they know, but whenever I hear that I get so happy about it I forget to come up with a witty fake defense so I just don't say anything. I'm actually 21. The other thing is, recently I've been getting older and people have started saying "you're a man now" and every time they said that it's like I was hit on the back of the head by bricks. Something about the word man actually mildly repulses me. I've always preferred to be called a boy I don't know why. It feels correct to me. I don't mind being called a girl either but woman is just as wrong.
After discovering this forum within a few days I just felt the need to shave my legs. I've never shaved my legs before, and there wasn't even any forethought in it. I just went to the bathroom, took my sisters razor and shave gel and started shaving. But as I was shaving I noticed a tangible difference in the way I felt about my body. I also discovered I have sweet legs, and bed sheets feel amazing on them. I shaved off my beard too. I had a beard with attached sideburns and a goatee, and it all went.
The odd thing is that now body hair on anything but my armpits is actually starting to bother me a lot. I went from being neutral with it to being fairly disgusted by it, but only on me. (is this disphoria?). I don't even care that I have a penis. It's just a useful as a vagina for certain things and useless in others. Sometimes in the past I have felt like I wanted girl parts very earnestly but when I really think about it they both have pros and cons and I really don't care too much about it now.
Sexually I consider myself either Bi or Asexual. I used to claim to be asexual for as long as I can remember, but only around my friends who were girls. I don't think they believed me though. But when I think about it, the only times I ever have sex is when the girl is hard core seducing me and I would feel bad saying no. I've had sex with girls many times, and it's always the same. I don't really get much out of it, yet I feel like they don't even notice. I can literally go for hours without orgasm if I want to. There are exceptions though, if I really like the person on a personal level I tend to enjoy it a little more. Somehow holding someone in bed (girl or guy) seems more sexually exciting to me than sex ever could be.
When I look back there are so many signs that are so obvious. I remember back in 2005 I made an avatar for my deviantart page, and my friends kept referring to that character as 'me'. I remember I would always correct them and say no, he's my mascot. My 'mascot' was an extremely child like thing with no apparent gender, and gender neutral clothing, and a line splitting it down the middle between being white and grey. I even had a back story for him. He/it used to be two people (a nice boy and a meaner girl) that were fused together and lost their memory. Also the characters name was a play on words for psyche.
It's been about 2 weeks that I have been aware of what's going on, and I don't think I've ever felt more free, happy, and full of energy and life. I painted my toenails and shaved my legs, but nobody knows. I was afraid it would be sexual for me or something but it wasn't. I actually feel more grounded, like it reminds me of who I am in case I forget while faking in front of people. Also I used to constantly do drugs to keep my mind from thinking, and almost overnight (like within days) I lost all desire to do so. I also used to sleep all man shaped and rigid (yes I even forced myself to sleep like how I thought a man should) and I was an insomniac. Now I sleep however I want and it's really made falling asleep easier.
So yeah, that's not everything I wanted to say. In fact major things I wanted to say are missing but there's some stuff about me. Hi, It's nice to meet all of you.
