Hi all
I was not able to write proper long introduction
before.So I thought I would pick up again where leave off before and continue my introduction once again..
Hi I am Rosie I was here once b4 longer ago Then my name here was Rosealee ..more regular then than now. I left then to re enter native american spirit quest thinkng of which I am well aware is designed to gain greater accptence. It was in hope back then to gain that. I will now tell you why..
I explain myself as living in the in between the land here an there an yet no where. I never fit at all any where in my entire life. I tried always measure up as boy and man. I was never able to. Can't when you do not think as one.
I tried to fit with girls also...can't when you do not look like one. But, my cousin would let me play with
them.So, they would and dress me up in girls things . This was my memory of dressing up. And I liked it very much..but i did not express it to them. i just was happy an content there an I felt an I knew, that was where i belonged. But, yet because I was not really a girl was not always allowed to play with them. Adults kept trying put me with other boys.I tried an tried to please adults back then.
One day was taken to play baseball with my other cousins, who told me i could play left out, i was very young an thought they meant left field..So I run out to play there. Only to see another player there and as soon as i see him i realized what left out meant not to play etc..you are left out.
So I slowly walk home and on my return was able once again to be with the girls an dress up.
Never did dressing up ever feel so satisfying ; was far more than dressing ..It Was accpectance for me..I would be restling with accpectance always after that point. All my life my thoughts would return to that time, to that moment of accpectance. Many times that momment in time would return and once again i would feel that moment return and cry because i had been able to find it. That moment of accpectance was peace I was worried I would never experiece again..
Life just plain hurts..and so many times I have wanted just to end it.. Not ask me why, you can guess ..All of you have had your moments as well I am sure. If you are honest with yourself. But, what always stop me is my Grandmother ..Her words tell me never take a perment solution to a temporary problem. And most defineately killing myself would be perment, and most of the time i noticed if i just waited and see i am ok again later ..So I never really went that far. But , God knows i have think it so many times. Now why, what puts me there. It is that memeory of accpectance that i long for. The knowing now that as adult to get there the road is so long. The alterations, the surgeries, then the money is staggering to think of. Just plain over whelming for me.
I dress up i private an always feel better within me, but that memeory returns an the accpectance from my girl cousins burns in my memory, to haunt me into my reality now..I think maybe if were able to return some how to that moment an be public with it, I would be ok.. It was that realization to lead me leave here few years ago to go on spirit quest.
I read how others here have dressed an purged ..for me i never pruged never stopped in private even thou i am married an my wife never has liked it. She would throw my things when she find them. But, I never stopped. But, never been able to come out as it were in pubic either. I am not just a cross dresser but rather I am wanting to be female completely.. It is what I live for. I show you ..
I live as female in reality really but not able to experess with how dress and look but do push it as much as life allows ..which is why I say i live in between .. When we had our childeren, my wife never wanted to raise them. I did they were three girls..my pride and joy all three. I did very good with them ..All are aduts now have their own families..I guess I am now thou that is not enough for me any longer.I am trying to feel more ccomplete and wanting the changes I see ahead of me ..
Now am in more conflict with my family.. Suddendly the accpectance i created has blown up all round me. Guess you can imagine it..Yeup! My daughters very upset at me..not mention my wife. Now I am not doing much except make me feel more female than I already do. This pleases me alot ..causes stress to them. Ok Ok..I tell you ..I remove all body hair try allow my hair grow more on my head style it little bit, nothing rerally drastic. But, makes me feel like I am prgressing ..Take herbs to allow my breasts to grow. JUst little things making me feel better... Then I return here to susans for further accptence which is much needed at this time. I am 45 years young an looking forward to changes I hope I can bring to myself...
Looks like a divorce is comming..I haver been there many times with divorce issue I mean , but this time may loose my daughters ..but i am content inside me.. but, the accptence i wanted from family has disolved.
Now as Native American thinking show I have come full circle on wheel of life.. But, as result of spirit quest I was made to see a life time before that i had as a women. Seeing that life knowing i was really a woman then reafirmed with in me and has given me peace with myself. THe accptence I have been seeking, has made living this life much more difficult.But, has helped me greatly also ..The help is form of memeory again yes you guessed it
accptence.It was there entire time .. I was woman and was accpted in that life being born one ...But for accptence now in life now seems still illude me.Until i realized that accpteance would never come till I accpted me ..The me I am I wanting an have enough guts to say this is me no else but me. I am seeing it and that is first step.. But, it is in the doing the reality that i am working at now. At least inner peace is here..
Posted at: May 18, 2006, 01:11:35 PM
Thank You Helen Welcome me an also thank you Reikirobyn ..I look forward to read and comment from time to time.I just post a more introduction .Rosie
Posted at: May 18, 2006, 04:34:27 PM
Hi Helen
Ask Are U dutch?? or German maybe I to desire Joy and peace also here..
Vor ich pflegte, Freude Jahren viel hier zu finden, als ich hier vorher war /
Ik gebruikte om een vreugde hier jaren te vinden geleden toen ik hier voordien was...Rosie
