I have been through a lot of suicidal thoughts too...some still remain.
I remember, when it was the worst, when I truly felt that I had no one I cared enough for and no one who cared enough for me, I would take chances...I would cross the street without looking if there were cars, hoping that there would be. I'd be hoping for something to happen to me, but I knew back then, as I know still, that I could never kill myself if it meant inflicting pain on myself.
I still get days where I drive 160km/h in the wrong side of the road. It's a rush, it makes me feel more alive somehow, and I'm still glad to reach my destination. And I feel rotten, because I know I could end up killing someone else in the process.
Driving home from school, I always cross a bridge going over the fjord where I live. I think there have been 10 or so suicides in my time, people taking the jump. I know that would be my preferred way of dying. Imagine flying, for just seven seconds, the wind tuggin at your skirt, lifting you, you're really flying for seven seconds and you're dead before you hit the water. I can't think of a more beautiful way to die...
Now, what prevents me from going all the way, is that someone told me they'd miss me if I was gone. I found that person who loves me, no matter what I look like, and who will always be there when I need him. I know he'll never be more than a friend, but he belives in me. That gives me strenght. It makes me want to live at the end of the day, so I can come home and talk with him. And I know he's always waiting. And I know he loves me, truly. I believe in him. And through him, I have found my faith. I believe in God, and I am not afraid to say it anymore. I still think he's a royal arse for doing this to me, but I no longer deny his existance, and that...that gives me peace...
Now, it seems like I'm safe...well, I'm not. When you're dead, you don't have to care anymore. About anything. It takes two bottles of beer, a car, 10 minutes drive and half a second to make the jump, and I'm gone. It's hard not to think about how easy it would be.
A friend of mine told me, a few months ago, that I seemed like a guy well in control of my life. She couldn't understand why I'd laugh at that, nor did she understand that she was as wrong as she could possibly be.
In fact...I don't like control. Life is a matter of timing, and there's no use planning ahead if it means depending on others. So take every day for granted. Every morning you wake up, there are a thousand new sensations to feel. Every night you go to bed, there are a thousand dreams to dream. No one can ever feel them all, no one can ever dream them all, but we should be grateful for the ones we -can- feel and the ones we -can- dream, 'cause in the end...
...you can't predict what happens tomorrow...thus, it is never subject to change...
...what happened today is already past...thus, it is already too late to change it...
...what happens right now, is what happens every second of the day. It is chance, and you just need to grab the moment and go with it!
Find something you love doing. Take long walks and see the beauty in the world. Listen to the sounds. If you take a walk in a wood where no one comes, you can see God's design and hear His voice better than anywhere else.
Look yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are beautiful. It might not convince you at first, but it will grow on you.
If the world becomes too heavy to bear, take a day off. Take off your socks and walk around the house bare-footed. Dance on the lawn in the hours before mid-day. Bare-footed.
Watch ants work. It will either bore you senseless or cheer you up. Either way, it's good!
Focus on living today, not yesterday, not tomorrow. But remember the past. If you remember the past, you can change the future. But live in today. And never go to sleep on an empty stomach.
Hope I made someone smile, there ^__^
And Dean, we do care. I know it's not easy, but it is about finding something you can hold on to. A mantra. God. The Goddess. Your own determination. A friend. A lover. A sister. Someone loves you endlessly, and so should you. I know it's looking bleak. God, I know. But in the darkest of nights is also the most fantastic display of stars. If you can defy the clouds, you can see them easily.
Some things, we cannot change, because we refuse to. I refuse to change my mind about becoming a girl. I refuse to hurt anyone. I refuse to change my taste in music. Or rather...I choose not to.
Other things...you can change. You can, in fact, change the world. If you believe what people tell you when they say you can't do this, you can't change that, you can't say so...then you can't change. The only one who decides what you can and will change...is you.
But try to find that happiness that is your own. Find a little piece of beauty that you can take with you. It can be a feather, a leaf, a piece of string, a faded photograph. And remember -why- that piece is beautiful. When you learn to spot the beauty in everything you see, you can turn to the mirror and do the same there. Me, I think my mirror is the ugliest thing in the world, sometimes. I hate it. I want to break it. Smash it to pieces, crush every ugly piece of it, hating it for being so cruel and unforgiving, showing only the thingsI hate to see, burn it all up, melt it down and make a new mirror that will reflect my soul instead. I wish I had a mirror like that, because I would not feel so bad when I go to bed, then, knowing that I'm beautiful where it matters.
I guess I'm not quite there yet...
Gaaaaawd, that felt good!
~Moi.
