It's nice to be here, and I'm glad that I can finally start asking the right people all my questions. :-)
Well, I suppose I shall tell you my life story...
Growing up as one of three sisters who were all raised by a single mom, I was surrounded by loads of femininity. I have but one brother, and he was whom I gravitated towards constantly as a younger child. Between the other girls, I never once felt as if I fit in, or as if I were "one of them." Instead, I happily accepted the role that my older brother gave me, which was "adopted brother." One could say that I was a tomboy to the extreme all throughout my growing years, but it ran so much deeper than that (which I will talk about more in a bit).
My mother raised us girls under the standard of Apostolicism, which enforced the rule that all females should have uncut hair and wear long skirts or dresses. As you can imagine, this caused quite an amount of confusion for me. But, moreso, it caused bitterness and frustration at not being able to express my masculinity. I didn't care about makeup or dolls or fashion; I wanted to play in the dirt, catch spiders and snakes, wrestle, compete, and "hang with the guys." But, more than that, I wanted to
be one of the guys.
You see, from a very early age on, I felt that I should have been a boy rather than a girl. Also from a very early age on, I was attracted to other girls, which only caused more confusion because I was raised to believe that it was wrong to think in such a way. But that didn't stop me from trying to be a guy. I was never "girly," so that wasn't the problem. But I hated just about everything that had to do with being a girl. I didn't even want to pee sitting down. I tried countless times to pee standing up whenever I was younger, only to be disappointed by the fact that it would run down my legs and onto the floor, instead.
So, as you can imagine, I started complaining about hating the way that I had to dress. When I was given the option to finally wear pants in sixth grade, I immediately shopped in the boy's section. I wore baggy jeans and huge sweatshirts and boys' tennis shoes, and I naturally walk like a guy, anyway, so I was already that much closer, in my head. Then, as societal norms got to me, and my sisters pressured me, I allowed them to pick out and buy clothes for me. Inevitably, my wardrobe became more and more feminine over the years. Today, if one did not know me better, they would say that I am a completely "normal" female.
But I don't want to be. I never have.
When I turned 18 last July, I immediately cut off all two-and-a-half feet of my hair, trying to go for a more boyish haircut. I was hoping to get more responses like, "Oh no, you look like a boy!" To which I would have gladly responded, "Thank you!" But the attempt backfired. Everyone thinks that my new haircut actually gives me a more feminine look.
They think that I am pretty. I want to be handsome.
Another problem that I have encountered: my D-cup breasts. No matter how large a shirt I wear, it seems that I cannot hide them. I wish they weren't there, but I can't yet consider getting them surgically removed. I wish I were more courageous, but I keep saying, "Would that be what I truly want?" My whole being says "Yes!" but I am still held back from too many years of all the "right" things being ingrained into my head.
Thus, I am here because I want to genuinely begin my journey into exploring my masculinity, and wanting to turn my outward appearance into a male. It will be hard because I am so distinctly female (high cheekbones and heart-shaped face, large breasts and large hips). It is so discouraging...
Thank you for the support!
