Hi there.
I wasn't fully sure where to post this, but thought perhaps this board makes sense. I really want opinions / support from mtf and ftm folks, and other people sensitive to the issues.
Since I had my chest surgery (already had my hysto 15 months or so ago, and been on T for almost 15 months now) things are getting worse, for the most part, with my family of origin. My mother directly stated in an email today the five reasons she thinks me being transgender is different from me being gay (which I still am, I switched sexual orientation on T, and she just has a fantasy now that I would only be a lesbian like I used to seem.... lol), and then ends the email listing a date in less than 2 weeks she wants to visit and basically have me produce my two youngest children for her to spend time with for the day. I am still recovering, and it's not a day I usually have them, and after the start of her email, it really feels a bit loony to just be like, sure, I would welcome you to my home.
One of the things in the list is that I have changed my body, another is that I have changed my voice, another is that I have changed my name, another is that gays and lesbians don't seem to have to change careers, and at 41, I am back in school, again. -- I don't want to directly quote her, trying to give her a bit of space, psychically.
The whole career thing really feels painful to hear, as it is painful to me, as well. I have struggled my whole life around work, and then dealt with immune system problems since about 1989. I had poisoning at work by chemicals in 1992, that still affects me, and then was very ill in 2004, nearly dying 9 times from anaphylaxis that year, and sick basically all day every day (til I started with my second attempt to transition). I also found out around that time of 2004 - 2005 that I have always had Asperger's Syndrome, a form of high functioning autism. And I have not made career choices that were good for that, hence I have had to stop many jobs. Right now, my parents are still providing a portion of my support (they offered to hold mortgage on a house, when I was extremely ill, and have continued to help w/utilities, though I got on several programs to now pay the mortgage for them, and part of the utilities as well, they have also offered and pay for a basic car I can use, which has been helpful for livign, and getting to appts. I offered to give it back, and my father said no).
Anyways...there are a lot of dynamics. Thing is, it's worse now , since the surgery. My sister hasn't spoken to me now in 2 yrs, and refuses for my children to see her children, or to see mine, ever again, as I am now a "secret". My brother is trapped in the middle.
I am just rambling I guess, but trying to figure out what to say in response. I am working with Voc. Rehab. grants to be back in school, with an online MBA program. Looking to do either business consulting, or eventually teach online courses, and am waiting to hear if someday, I may get disability (applied 3 yrs ago, and still in process.....)
It may sound silly, but I am dealing with depression myself (again), and sometimes, I just want to have the support of my parents. And I have been patient with them for more than 18 months on this whole transition / gender thing.
I have this fantasy of coming up with some fabulous phrase to help them. This recent email from her was sparked b/c I sent her a DVD "For the Bible Tells Me So", as they actually know the Gephardts, who in the DVD talk about their struggles to reconcile their conservative Christian beliefs with their lesbian daughter's coming out. I asked my mom if she wanted to see it and she said she did, so I mailed a copy there. She makes sure I know myfather has refused to watch it, and then launches into the above.
So, do I say nothing back? Do I try to explain to her (AGAIN) that it is common for transsexual people to have career struggles? Do I explain (AGAIN) that I have had legitimate health issues, BESIDES giving birth three times in 18 years, AND choosing to parent those children, that affect my ability to work? Do I tell her (AGAIN) that I have Asperger's, and it just isn't that easy for me to find work that "fits"with all the above criteria, living in a small town?
I toy with moving out of this house to subsidized housing, but this house is now set up for me around allergies, and the subsidized units inthis town are not, plus, they are pretty stressful places, with drug issues, etc, I am grateful for this house, but sometimes it feels like it is messing up my transition, as mentally,I just want to cut ties with these people, sometimes, as I worry they are adding to the depression.
I feel totally messed up right now. What can I say to her? Is there any way to work with her? When is it time to just give up on family? What else can I do right now? I am crawling out of a dark hole right now, physically, and mentally, it's really hard to hear allthis. I had hoped to be ecstatic about surgery, and I am not. I tried processing this with all of them with very respectful letters 6 weeks prior to surgery, I don't know that it helped, though.
What have you figured out to deal with these things?
Joseph
