This is all about me me me me...

[Just Mandy]

This is all about is me: Am I pretty? Do I pass?, How's my voice? Dammit it's all about me. I need validation. I need
people to tell me I look passable. Why are you talking about anything else but me? This is ALL about me, don't you
people get it? This is about me!

LOL.... I'm not serious but that's an exaggeration of the way I feel lately and I've never really been like that
before. Do we spend so much time thinking about and examining our selfs as we transition that we can't think
about anything else?

Does anyone else feel that way?
When do you get past thinking so much about yourself?
When do you stop feeling like everything needs to be about you?

Oh... I'm so sorry if I made this about me

[christene]

I think a lot of us go through this. I know I have anyway. I think it is part of the process but eventually I think it is good to realize that we are all but a very small piece within a very large picture. That helps me keep things in perspective. My girlfrind thinks sometimes I am obsessed with myself, which I am at times. But I don't think I would be going through this if it were not for thinking about myself so much. ->-bleeped-<-, this is what has brought me to this point.

Christine

[tekla]

If I hear one problem again and again its about that 'all about me' kind of GID worldview.  The constant and persistent need for validation, focus and attention can - and will - drive other people away.  No matter what the cause, the ME ME ME deal will leave you with nothing and no one but YOU YOU YOU.  Doubtful that is the best outcome.  Other people have needs too.

[Just Mandy]

If I hear one problem again and again its about that 'all about me' kind of GID worldview.  The constant and persistent need for validation, focus and attention can - and will - drive other people away.  No matter what the cause, the ME ME ME deal will leave you with nothing and no one but YOU YOU YOU.  Doubtful that is the best outcome.  Other people have needs too.

I so agree with what you are saying. I've been always been told I was a great listener and this is so unlike me.
It's almost like going through puberty again. What I'm wondering... does this pass? Once we achieve a certain comfort level
with ourselves does all the self obsession and self focus stop? Do we have to force ourselves or does it naturally go away?

[NicholeW.]

We look the way we look. We have the problems we have; they tend to be interrelated with the lives of other people. HRT goes as it goes, not a lot we can do about how our bodies react to estrogen or testosterone.

We either 'find' our femininity or masculinity or we work and work and never quite come to terms with living in a new gender expression that other people find in some way 'true to life.'

Some of the problems may be amenable to surgical modifications that may also alleviate some of the expressive difficulties.

Yet, the constant is that my life is intimately intertwined with the lives of other people. We ARE social beings -- we thrive in relationship with others and we tend to waste away without relationships with others.

The world has never been and never will be about "me, me, me." To live my life with that in mind is to isolate and eventually kill myself.

In some ways transition may be the hardest thing one ever does. Yet, if I exclude the needs and hopes of everyone else they will, as Tekla said, exclude me.

What is the point of transitioning if I die of isolation and loneliness in the process?

Nichole

[tekla]

Not sure at all.  Some seem to get past it, other wallow in it.  Perhaps its making up for lost time in validation.  Never having got that before, they now bath it in given the opportunity to have it.  There does seem to be a deal where people who were pretty successful before all this begins, seem to get through it quicker.  For others, its becomes a sexual AA with a neverending share.

[Kate]

It's a normal part of transition. We almost HAVE to become totally self-absorbed to get through this. It IS all about "us," our identity, our (re)existence in the world. Once you start transitioning, every minute of every day becomes a test it seems. You're getting used to an entirely new way of living and being. Everything is new, and you can't help but marvel at the world and your interactions with the people in it.

And consider that you're uprooting your entire sense of stability, of reassurance and support. Things you probably took for granted before. But suddenly we're incredibly *vulnerable*, like children again. And as with them, we need to be told constantly that we're OK, it's gonna be OK, we're here for you... on and on.

Does it pass? I sure hope so. With me, it's certainly not like it was in the beginning. I don't spend endless hours researching GID anymore, I skip past TS documentaries on television now, and most of my books on the subject are packed away. Going to dinner is just Going To Dinner, rather than a test of passing ability. It'd fading. Slowly, but... it is.

~Kate~

[NicholeW.]

a sexual AA with a neverending share.

Now that was a good comparison.

It's a normal part of transition. We almost HAVE to become totally self-absorbed to get through this. It IS all about "us," our identity, our (re)existence in the world. Once you start transitioning, every minute of every day becomes a test it seems. You're getting used to an entirely new way of living and being. Everything is new, and you can't help but marvel at the world and your interactions with the people in it.

Passing and transitioning to the exclusion of everything and everyone else?

That has never computed with me. But, I always felt very vulnerable anyways. Never much felt that stability and reassurance you wrote about.

Now, I have all of that and the love and support I denied myself and was denied for many years.

Transition was scary, but hardly something I could afford to any longer put-off. I was dying. Why live now as though I were still dying?

I imagine no one likes being laughed-at. So when the awkward stage passed so did the laughter-at. Then it was a matter of being who I am. I haven't found that excruciatingly difficult. To release myself has been rather simple, in fact.

Since I have never felt 'in-control' perhaps I didn't have to grow through a stage where I had lost control. I wouldn't recommend the regimen that causes one to live with the reality that she has no control, however. There are worse events in life than being laughed at. I would like to think that no one else will ever have to find that out for herself.

*sigh* Well, that's a vain hope.

People always need to know that someone is 'here for you.' It's just the way we are, naturally social. Naturally requiring nurture and care to thrive. In that respect transition changes nothing, I think. If someone was used to complete acceptance before, perhaps that can be very disconcerting when transition begins.

That was one thing I never found particularly problematic.

So, my transition has never been all about me, me me. It has been about my children, my partner, my siblings and nieces and nephews. It's been about friends I have maintained and made and friends I have lost as well.

Yes, it's been my transition, but also theirs. And the ones who 'stuck' have, I believe, realized exactly that. Those I lost, not so much.

But, when I truly examine events in the light of change, constant and all around me, then I don't find transition to be particularly definitive in that regard. Moving to NJ seven years ago was a very uprooting experience and actually, probably more definitively changing than transition was.

My view: TSes often lose all perspective of our lives and the lives of others when we transition.

Nichole

[Just Mandy]

There does seem to be a deal where people who were pretty successful before all this begins, seem to get through it quicker.  For others, its becomes a sexual AA with a neverending share.

That's good to know, maybe I can move through this, because I REALLY don't like it. I guess the fact that
I recognize it as a problem means something. Maybe I'll make not obsessing about me my new obsession

It's a normal part of transition. We almost HAVE to become totally self-absorbed to get through this. It IS all about "us," our identity, our (re)existence in the world. Once you start transitioning, every minute of every day becomes a test it seems. You're getting used to an entirely new way of living and being. Everything is new, and you can't help but marvel at the world and your interactions with the people in it.

And consider that you're uprooting your entire sense of stability, of reassurance and support. Things you probably took for granted before. But suddenly we're incredibly *vulnerable*, like children again. And as with them, we need to be told constantly that we're OK, it's gonna be OK, we're here for you... on and on.

Does it pass? I sure hope so. With me, it's certainly not like it was in the beginning. I don't spend endless hours researching GID anymore, I skip past TS documentaries on television now, and most of my books on the subject are packed away. Going to dinner is just Going To Dinner, rather than a test of passing ability. It'd fading. Slowly, but... it is.

I think you're right, every day is a test and we have to make sure we are up to it. I hope that after some time passes,
as you said I'll know all the answers to the "test" and can be comfortable again. But it's also about gaining insight into GID
and knowing ourselves, what we want, need and dream for. I come here for that insight into GID and I guess that is
why I seem to feel like I'm always asking questions about me. I need that insight from those of you that are ahead
of me as it's invaluable. I still cannot imagine trying transition before the Internet. Anyway, some days I feel like I
know so little about GID and other days I know so much, but it's everyones input that add's to my GID knowledge and
all I can do is says thanks. It seems lacking somehow. 

I'm also keenly aware of the pain that many of you are going through (Kate, you come to mind) and I know how hard
it must be to help others when you're hurting so that makes just saying thanks even more lacking. But thanks, I really
appreciate everyone's input.

[tekla]

In fact, your college loans are supposed to defray the costs of going to college, tuition, books, fees and living expenses - not transition or MP3 players.  Such loans are subsidized by taxpayers at a rate under prime for a reason.  Transition is not one of those reasons. 

[Just Mandy]

I say screw the man... go for it if you want to spend your education $ on hormones.  LOL.

Sorry... it's the anti-authority thing kicking in!

[tekla]

I don't think its sticking it to the man, I think its taking money away from people who need it for education who otherwise could not afford it - ie, the most poor people among us.  Not to mention, if you are going to transition, you are going need an education real bad.  Number one problem of TS in SF is getting a job.

[trannyboy]

Yes, it is all about you. At least in your life and world it is all about you. Right now you are taking steps that are wholly self motivated that serve no purpose except for you. In fact these actions you are taking are probably in direct opposition to what some people want for you. Does that mean you are doing something wrong? Not in my opinion. You are insecure and want reassurance. Again not wrong.

The question becomes if you are confronted by something or someone who's needs are more urgent then yours, will you temporarily abandon your wants to protect or assist the needs of others. If you can answer yes then who cares if you are selfish. I happen to be very selfish and occasionally insecure. When I am not being confronted by the needs of others then I delight in indulging my own desires. I don't know about you but for me I don't stress about being selfish or about wanting approval.

In terms of specifically looking for affirmation of my gender identity, I rarely look for that approval any more. I did for a while and the results were mixed at best. With each step I took, transition, hormones, passing and surgery I became the person I knew was within me and slowly began to be comfortable in my skin. I might not look like the man on the cover of the magazine but my identity is clear in my self assurance. I have friends and at times they need my reassurances that I think they are pretty, smart, good cooks, parents, employees etc. When things get out of hand for me my friends remind me that the world is made of both good and bad and that is the reassurance I need.

Just stick your head up every so often and be aware of others needs along with your own.

->-bleeped-<-boy

[tekla]

Some people are in the world, but not of the world.  Others, are of the world, but not in the world.  Its best to be both.  Anytime your thinking that its all about me, you need to back away from the mirror, and look out in the world.  There are other people out there.  Some of them need you, as much as you need them.  As the poet said "no (wo)man is an island."

[Berliegh]

Outside of the forum people get very bored if you talk about yourself for too long...
They are sometimes curious if they know about my past and ask about my gender dysphoria...and when I start to answer their question they come back and say...'I don't want to hear about you all the time'....'it's always about you isn't it'......

...So I don't discuss my gender dysphoria outside the forum...

[lady amarant]

I would suppose that this is a natural phase of transition. Once you make this leap of faith and start transitioning - It's a BLOODY scary thing to do, and I think it would be only natural to initially be obsessed with finding out about it and convincing others and validating yourself and all the rest, especially for people as insecure and unhappy as we generally start out being.

As transition strips more and more of your insecurities away with all the "hardest thing in the world" moments though, like going out for the first time, or to buy your first clothes in a real store, etc. one would hope that your focus turns more inward for validation than relying on the outside world to tell you that you have value. As that happens, you feel less and less of a need to justify your existance to others and simply live your life.

That's the theory and hope for me anyway. I'm still solidly SELFISH! 

[tekla]

Outside of the forum people get very bored if you talk about yourself for too long.

No matter what the subject is for the most part.

[Just Mandy]

I would suppose that this is a natural phase of transition. Once you make this leap of faith and start transitioning - It's a BLOODY scary thing to do, and I think it would be only natural to initially be obsessed with finding out about it and convincing others and validating yourself and all the rest, especially for people as insecure and unhappy as we generally start out being.

As transition strips more and more of your insecurities away with all the "hardest thing in the world" moments though, like going out for the first time, or to buy your first clothes in a real store, etc. one would hope that your focus turns more inward for validation than relying on the outside world to tell you that you have value. As that happens, you feel less and less of a need to justify your existance to others and simply live your life.

That's the theory and hope for me anyway. I'm still solidly SELFISH! 

Thanks Simone, I think you and every one else that has said it is right, we NEED to be focused on our selves for a while and
we NEED validation as we start this process.

Yes, it is all about you. At least in your life and world it is all about you. Right now you are taking steps that are wholly self motivated that serve no purpose except for you. In fact these actions you are taking are probably in direct opposition to what some people want for you. Does that mean you are doing something wrong? Not in my opinion. You are insecure and want reassurance. Again not wrong.

The question becomes if you are confronted by something or someone who's needs are more urgent then yours, will you temporarily abandon your wants to protect or assist the needs of others. If you can answer yes then who cares if you are selfish. I happen to be very selfish and occasionally insecure. When I am not being confronted by the needs of others then I delight in indulging my own desires. I don't know about you but for me I don't stress about being selfish or about wanting approval.

In terms of specifically looking for affirmation of my gender identity, I rarely look for that approval any more. I did for a while and the results were mixed at best. With each step I took, transition, hormones, passing and surgery I became the person I knew was within me and slowly began to be comfortable in my skin. I might not look like the man on the cover of the magazine but my identity is clear in my self assurance. I have friends and at times they need my reassurances that I think they are pretty, smart, good cooks, parents, employees etc. When things get out of hand for me my friends remind me that the world is made of both good and bad and that is the reassurance I need.

Just stick your head up every so often and be aware of others needs along with your own.

->-bleeped-<-boy

So well put and I'm glad to know that this phase passes but for know I may take your advise:

I delight in indulging my own desires. I don't know about you but for me I don't stress about being selfish or about wanting approval.

That sounds like just what I need for a little while as I get through this. So it's all about me.... for now!

[lisagurl]

What is the point of transitioning if I die of isolation and loneliness in the process?

First, not everyone transitions for social or sexual reasons. There is plenty of evidence that solitude offers a very comforting way of life, ask Thoreau. Many novels have been written about loneliness because it causes the imagination to create emotions, drama is entertaining.
Hermits most often choose their way of life. There is a most calming and mystical state of mind when you are not being asked to follow social rules and be beholding to people. It comes down to what is important to you, your thoughts or emotions generated by other's.

Everyone dies, the point is how do we want to live.

[trannyboy]

Lisa, I would disagree. I think Thoreau argued not isolation but independence and self reliance. He never suggested that one completely isolate themselves from all around them. In fact during his most well known moment of independence he still maintained contacts with his family and community. He believed though that he could be most objective by removing himself largely from the situation. Personally I like the concept of being entirely self reliant in what I am able. I also believe that there is nothing wrong with allowing people to join in your journey. There is a difference between a servant, chaperon and companion. If people join my journey requiring me to be something I am not then they don't walk far with me. If people like me for me then we will enjoy our journey together without requiring either of us to subscribe to particular rules and social niceties. Meh I also go camping only for weeks at a time to get away from humans, so I guess what  mean is sometimes I want people in my life and sometimes I just want to have myself. Buddha was right to say it is the extremes we should avoid.

->-bleeped-<-boy