Dropping the bombshell...

[lady amarant]

So, some of you might remember me posting my coming out letter to get some advice and feedback. Today the bombshell was finally dropped. Time to don the old fallout mask and hardhat...

This afternoon, my mom and dad spoke to my gran, and told her about me.

My mom and dad are up in Gauteng visiting the assorted family, and they are basically telling everybody as far as they go.

To complete the process, this evening I send out this letter to everybody who knows me as a guy. The birdie's flown the coop, so to speak, but I would still appreciate your thoughts and comments. I spent the whole day obsessing about whether the letter was too impersonal, too much info, too little. But then I realised, it doesn't matter. The people who were going to accept me will do so regardless, and likewise with the people who wouldn't. If nothing else, at least this might give some idea to others on how to come out to friends and relatives...

Hi Everybody,

I've decided to do this via a letter for a few reasons. Most importantly I wanted to tell everybody myself, rather than have you hear it from someone else. It would have been nice to be able to do so in person, but given how widely spread all of you are, that was always going to be unlikely. Of course, it's also nice doing it this way in that I can explain things before I start fielding questions and objections. Hey, what can I say: This is scary enough as it is...

So now that I've got you all apprehensive and stuff: No, I'm not dying, or going to Afghanistan or anything. Nor do I have a horrible illness or disability or something.

But I am transsexual. The old cliche of a woman born into a man's body, but sadly true.

Okay.

I said it.

I'm sure this will come as a huge shock, and that many of you may have trouble believing or accepting it, but nevertheless, that's what has been eating me the last few months, the last few years ... my whole life, in fact. It's only been fairly recently though that I have grown enough to be able to accept it, along with all its implications.

One of those implications of course is that many of the people I know and value will never be able to accept this, be it for religious or cultural reasons, or simply because you find it too weird maybe. If that ends up being the case for you, I understand. It makes my heart ache, but we each must do what we need to. I sincerely hope that you might in time come to accept this, and me. I understand. I mean, I have to LIVE with me, and it's taken me until fairly recently to come to terms with it.

To those of you who do decide to stick around, I really can't think of anything to say - a simple thank-you will have to do. All I can add is this: Transition is one of the loneliest things you could imagine, and every connection that remains becomes more valuable than, well, all the usual cliché's - gold, silver money etc. I thank you.

So what does this mean then? Practically... Well, most immediately it means that I have started a process called 'transition', which is really just the gradual shift from one biological sex to the other with the aid of psychological counselling, hormone therapy and eventual surgery. Add to that all the legal and administrative hoops one has to jump, name change, documents etc. This is not a simple, easy thing, and can take years to be completed. The fact that medical aids and most state health care services still regard this as 'elective' or 'cosmetic' or a mental issue adds the burden of having to finance transition oneself. Which is a big ask.

In the longer term, I'll still be me. All that will change really is that I will be a female version from before. The same person, only more true to herself. And yeah, I will change my name, and there will be physical changes, but I will still be the same person. Just true to myself.

For anybody who is interested, HBO made a brilliant documentary called "Middle Sexes, Redefining He and She" a few years ago, which I can send you a copy of if you want. Research moves rapidly, but it is still quite up to date, and it presents a very broad overview not just of Trans issues, but of intersex, homosexuality and other variances in gender and sexuality.

Because that is what it is. A variance. This is not an illness, or a disorder, or a curse. It is the result of natural variation, and the only reason it is a problem is because our society has hang-ups around it, as is the case with most other issues around human sexuality, gender and identity. Yet these variants occur frequently across nature, from intersexed fish to lesbian polar bears to frogs that can change their biological sex to balance out population issues. I've also done tons of research and reading up on the causes and stuff, and I'd be happy to share what I've managed to dig up over the past few years.

At the end of the day though, for what ever reason, I am who and what I am. And I need to do this. I hope you can understand that.

I would also like to point out that my mom and dad are aware of my situation and support me. They have offered to field documentary requests, so yeah, please don't swamp them too badly!

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I know it is a HUGE thing, and that you'll need some time to process it, if that's even possible. I'm more than happy to answer ANY questions you may have, no matter how awkward. Just email or facebook me, and I'll get back to you as soon as I possibly can.

email: **********************
facebook: profile is under the email address above.

Lots of love to you all.

Blessed Be,

Me

[cindianna_jones]

Lady,

I like the letter.  Lose the smiley's and I'd let it fly as is.   

I don't know just how many you are sending out, but for your cost in the DVD's or CD's of the film, I'd consider sending one out with every letter.  Many will not even care to ask for one, but if they have it in hand might watch it.

Cindi

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

      I like the letter, but I agree with Cindi about the smilies.  Also, you need to do a spellcheck and proofreading.  There are only a few misspellings that I caught, but a couple of misspelled words won't hurt.

     Did you say that you already sent the letter?   Is it regular mail, or email?

     I like the tone of your letter.  It is easy and open and speaks of the difficulty without wallowing in self pity.


I wish you the absolute best,


Rebis

[debbie j]

i like your letter lady amarant. but like rebis did point out . do a spell check and as for the smile they are

fine to use . 

[Kate]

I REALLY like it! It's considerate, acknowledges other people's feelings, and explains what to expect.

The ONLY parts I'd debate a bit (and I could be wrong, it's just a Rule I have, lol) are:

One of those implications of course is that many of the people I know and value will never be able to accept this, be it for religious or cultural reasons, or simply because you find it too weird maybe. If that ends up being the case for you, I understand....

Sometimes I fear this can encourage people to judge us by opening up the possibility in their minds. But it's also very understanding on your part, acknowledging THEIR considerations, so I dunno which is better. But after years and years of shame and guilt over our feelings, it's sometimes hard to not "apologize" for how we feel, and we end up thinking it's actually OK for people to judge us.

Because that is what it is. A variance. This is not an illness, or a disorder, or a curse. It is the result of natural variation, and the only reason it is a problem is because our society has hang-ups around it...

Same idea here... sometimes the more we explain why our feelings are OK, the more people think it's not, lol. I did the same thing in my initial letters and speeches, telling everyone how GID is medical and all and not some weird mental problem of mine. But after awhile, I just stopped explaining it at ALL, as I realized I was justifying myself when I really didn't have to. This was who I was, this was what I was doing, and I left it to them to either ask more questions about it or just move on. And most people just asked a few polite questions ("When's your surgery?" is popular, lol), and left it at that... being far more worried about what's for dinner

My original speech for my coworkers was about a page long when I started. It explained quite a bit, went over what GID is and isn't, went on about how I've always felt this way so it's OK, etc. But I had to tell like 30 employees one by one, and after the first few I realized it was just too much for them. They didn't care about the detail and justifications. By the fourth or fifth person I'd thrown out my speech and just said, "Look, I'm changing my sex. That means over the next few months I'll look more and more female. Within a few months I'll change my name to Kate, and be living the rest of my life as a woman from then on. Anything you'd like to know?" Honest, it was that short and sweet.

I did the same when talking to neighbors, relatives and professional contacts. I realize family members are more emotionally invested in us and deserve more of an explanation, but still... I eventually adopted the strategy of just going over the basics very bluntly and openly, showing I had no hesitation or embarassment about it all, and the let them ask questions if they wanted.

But don't get me wrong, overall I love the letter and how you've approached it. They're the only two things I could find to post about

~Kate~