Jokes, gotta laugh...

[buttercup]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1    Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change
Answer #2    None, the light bulb will change itself when it is ready

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer    How many can you afford?

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   Depends on whether it has life insurance

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   Two.  One to screw it almost all the way in, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   One. But he wants to do it 17 times.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   Seven.  One to install the new light bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   None. Its left to the reader as an exercise

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many Federal employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   Sorry, that item has been cut from budget!

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   Two, one to assure the public that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the bulb into a water faucet!

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   One.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer   None, the old one was probably screwed in too tight



Talking Dog For Sale


This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He tells such incredible lies!"



Mightiest of Animals


A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

"You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear.

Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away.

"Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"


Books for a Chicken


A chicken walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and says, "Buk Buk BUK."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants three books. She gives three books to the chicken, who goes away with them tucked under its wing.

Around midday, the chicken returns to the circulation desk, lloking vexed, and says, "Buk Buk BuKKOOK!"

The librarian decides that the chicken wants another three books. The chicken leaves as before, with three books under its wing.

The chicken returns to the library in the early afternoon, approaches the librarian, looking very annoyed, and says, "Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!"

The librarian is now a little suspicious. She gives the chicken three books, and decides to follow it.

She follows the chicken out of the library and through the town to a park. There she ses the chicken throwing the books at a frog in a pond, while the frog says, "Rrredit, Rrredit, Rrredit..."

[Dennis]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Kate Thomas]

True or not, this story is so very likly to have happened.
Brought to you by this website. http://www.whatistruth.info/silly1/7.html

The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!

I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.  The younger generation doesn't know they exist.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.   I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not  have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.   The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills?   Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy
Comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."


Guard: "No kidding!   What?"

Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.    He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there,  too.

[Seshatneferw]

One of the light bulb jokes reminds me of an oldie.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all spending a night in a hotel. Absent-minded as such academic types are, they all forget to put out the candle on the bedside table, so that halfway to the night the candle melts and starts a fire. Each of our heroes finds one of his (these used to be male professions, after all) cheeks getting uncomfortably warm and wakes up.

The engineer goes to the bathroom, takes the shower head and drenches the whole room, putting out the fire. He then walks to the front desk, politely asks for a new room, and eventually goes back to sleep in a bed that is neither too wet nor too burning.

The physicist goes to the bathroom, gets a glass of water, whips out his trusty slide rule (remember, this is an old joke), makes a couple of quick calculations and dumps the water at just the right spot to put out the fire. He then goes to sleep, thinking that he can wait until morning to get a new bedside table.

The mathematician takes a notepad, scribbles a couple of quick calculations and goes to the bathroom. He fills a glass with water, lights a match, dips it in the water, exclaims 'Q.E.D.', and goes back to sleep.

  Nfr

[Constance]

How many druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?



None. Druids screw in stone circles, not light bulbs.

[Kate Thomas]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into t own on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

[Christo]

lmao    I got some but dunno if I can post' em here  >