I'm MoonCheese, and I really want to be a girl...
I remember even when I was 4 years old or younger, I always wanted girl toys and clothes. I would often pretend to be a girl when I was alone. I couldn't do it in front of my parents because my very militant dad (who was in he US military for 36 years and I believe got all the way to colonel before quitting) wanted me to be strong and hypermasculine like him. Once I told a few people at school that I wanted to be a girl, and the school apparently called my parents. My dad basically exploded and really yelled at me, and from then on I was always afraid of doing anything feminine. Last year my dad threatened to kill me, and his vast firearm collection will allow him to if he wants. I'm only 20 years old and still dependent financially on my parents even though I don't live with them.
I currently live in Ulm, Germany, but I come from Detroit and I have to return there when the semester abroad ends in June. I'd rather just stay in Germany, or elsewhere in Europe, forever. I hate the United States and everything it stands for. I don't like any American music, I hate the car culture in America, and I hate how the US seems to be stuck in the 1950s. I'm very opposed to Christianity and the US uses Christian laws to determine its own laws. I'm opposed to military in all forms, and every XY in my family has served in the US military and I was expected to as well. I am a socialist who agrees with a lot of aspects of communism, and I'm very opposed to all forms of capitalism. My dad is a die-hard capitalist, the type to work 60 hours a week to save money he never uses. I wish I never had to see my dad again. I despise him.
I've always wanted to be friends with women and not men, but only men wanted to be friends with me. I just don't get along with them and don't understand why anyone would want to watch sports and drink beer all the time. I don't like male friendships as they tend to involve a lot of banter and insults and everyone has to prove their manliness. But women only see me as meat or another species, and they don't want to be a close friend with someone who's feminine but was unfortunate enough to have been born with a male body. For a while I just ought I was androgyne, but more and more I hate being sween by the world as male. I don't know how to be female though. My mom is very masculine and I had no sisters. The one time I had made several female friends, all the way back in 1997, my parents moved to a very rural, poor, rednecky town and I was never able to make any friends there until I left on my own in 2005 very soon after turning 18.
The only girlfriend I ever had, who was going to save me from this horrible life with my dad and show me how to be a girl and move to Europe with me, was revealed as a scam in December 2007. Since then, my life has had no purpose. Nobody will love me because I want to be a girl. I'm only interested in relationships with women, not men. With my girlfriend gone, I essentially have no support. I know my parents will see me as Arnold Schwarzenegger or 50 Cent forever, and if I show up at their place with makeup and a dress and boobies, my dad will get out one of his guns...
