Feeling exhausted and agitated..

[asiangurliee]

So i went to the doctor today for eyes check up, and i was called as a Miss. I didnt tell them i change my gender and in fact, I didnt physically change myself, but I have became more feminine through my clothings and make up in the past year. I am supposed to be happy about this but it made me so nervous, I feel like i am a fake , i feel that they would found out somehow that I am actually a bio male and i would be so embarassed. Its little things like that that get me really nervous and my head keeps spinning.  Everytime

I keep thinking to myself "what the hell am i doing?" "why am I so weird" ,  i really want to cry and hide in my house for the rest of my life. I don't like looking like a guy or dressing like a guy or being called a guy, but i feel so much stress when i am seen as a girl as well. (only to people that dont know I am transgender)

I feel like a fool, a freak and i am so scared of what is happenning to me. Does anyone feel that? I dont really have any energy to fight this.. this thing that insist on doing..its so TIRING..

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Asiangurliee,
Yes I felt like that the first time I went out dressed as a female. I went to the mall and as I walked in I felt that I would found out somehow and I would be so kicked out of the Mall with everyone knowing that I was a male and it would be the living end. But nothing happened except that I felt faint for awhile. Eventual I lift me eyes and began looking at the people around me. No one seems to pay any attention to me. When I walled into the stores the clerks treated me like a woman.
That was about 6 months ago now when I go out dressed as myself (a woman) and I don't get anxiety attacks. Why? It because I keep going out until I felt comfortable dressed like a woman. Also I have gained confidence in who I am. If I know I am a woman other people will believe that I am too.
I've been going to a beauty shop in the Mall to get my hair cut and styled.
Don't let fears that you may be discovered keep you from being who you know you are. What right has others to control your life? 
Don't be afraid. Go for it girl!
A Sister TG,

Jillieann 

[Annie Social]

Is it a matter of feeling like a fake, or fear of being seen as a fake? The two are a little different.

If it's fear of being seen as a fake, then the answer is pretty much a matter of getting yourself to the point where you really don't care how other people see you. It takes a while; it may help to know that most people really don't care, and even if they know, probably won't confront you or say anything about it. The point is that you know who you are, and the perception of others can't change that. You're not a fake, and the opinion of others doesn't cange that.

Actually, this applies to feeling like a fake, as well; part of that feeling is due to the conflict between who you are and society's expectations. If the feeling is really strong, it may be because you are unsure yourself of who you are; if you're not seeing a gender therapist, you probably should. Sometimes it's a lot easier to figure out who we are when someone else is asking the right questions. The only reason to feel like a fake is not being true to yourself.

Annie

[Elizabeth]

Hey Asiangurliee,

I agree with Annie. Not much I can add to what she has said. Just be yourself and dont' worry about others expectations of you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[asiangurliee]

you ladies are so sweet. I love that this place exists, I dont know what i would do without it. I just know that most people preceive sex as the same thing as gender and that bother me. I dont know why I care, but I've always care what other people think of me. I am very self conscious. Sometimes , I really think i am just living in my fantasy and I will go back to being a homosexual male. Its hard to tell what is fantasy and what is real.

[Annie Social]

Well, you have to make the choice sometimes: please others, or please yourself. It's just a matter of what you find most important. A hint though... as you get older, you realize more and more how little you really care about pleasing everyone else, and that you can never please everyone anyway. And you wonder why you wasted so much time trying!

Annie

[asiangurliee]

I am turnning 23 in about 3 weeks. I feel like I dont have alot of time to waste. I think i will try to focus on other things other than gender, maybe its just a phase. I used to think I was a gay male maybe I am just a gay male. I dont want to be though, I was never really happy as a male, but was it because i was male or something else? AHhhh. --THis is my normal thought process nowadays. lol.


Love
Dee

[Kimberly]

^*nudge* In fear of sounding like a broken record, my suggestion is to start talking to a gender aware therapist. Perhaps such would help you put your finger on your thoughts?

[Melissa]

I really don't have anything more to add to what the other girls said, other than another example.  I used to feel the same way going out, especially when I was still using a wig and breastforms.  If I went out as male, I was unhappy because I was seen as male.  When I went out as female, I was unhappy because I was so stressed about what might happen if someone were to "figure me out".  I think going out enough times and passing gave me enough self confidence where I don't feel this way anymore.  In fact, today I went out as female to a busy county fair with thousands of people.  Not one person gave me trouble and I used the bathrooms and everything.  Some people may have figured me out, but they didn't bother me about it if they did.  I think going out enough times is really the only way to get over that feeling.  I also think I gained some self confidence from getting far enough in transition where the breastforms and wig wasn't required.  Good luck.  I also would recommend seeing a gender therapist, especially if you are unsure about yourself.  It is good that you are open to several possibilities.

Melissa

[asiangurliee]

I am on this waiting list for this doctor.  I should try a new one although I am really afraid of finding out that I am either not a transsexual or that I am a transsexual. Its catch 22!  But i shall talk to a doctor... i am going crazy. heh. Thanks ladies.

[Kimberly]

Finding out if you are or are not is a good step! It gives you one less thing to worry about

...
i am going crazy. heh.
...

Oh! Coming to visit then? All right, I shall put on some tea... ^*wink*

[Dennis]

I've been living as male for just about a year now and I get that feeling sometimes too. I'm glad someone said you have to figure out if you feel like a fake or if you're worried that someone will find  you out and think you're a fake. Cause I was feeling like I shouldn't feel like a fake, so what's wrong with me.

I think you're right, it's that I'm just afraid someone will out me as trans and that makes me uncomfortable. It's difficult trying to parse that out though.

And every once in a while I get something from what someone says (whether it's intended or not) "you'll never be a real guy" and that really bums me out. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm all the guy I can be and I'm still more of a guy than some bio guys and a better man that some bio guys. Still gotta internalize that to some extent though.

Dennis

[Mario]

The most important thing I have found is confidence. If you go out with enough of that than you will be fine, as long as you are dressed the part ofcourse. What I know to be true with me is before I started binding full time, people would look at my face sometimes, listen to my voice and call me sir, then drop their eyes to my chest (which is not huge, but enough) and say "sorry, mam". AHHHHHHHH! I hated that. Now, though I pass all the time. Top surgery is only 2 months away. YEA. Are you comfortable with your body? That is kind of a big hint as to being transsexual or not. I HATE MY BOOBS. They gotta go.

                                         Marco

[Chynna]

asiangurliee,

Look at it from a different angle if they called you sir or preceived you has a male...
then wouldn't that actually be being seen as a FAKE?
If they find out that you are a BIO Male you simply correct them and State
"NO I am not, I am transgender"
I sometimes find myself correcting people who refer to me as female (like when they mark down on an application F I say "no sweetheart Im a transsexual" that way there is no confusion or the sencse i mislead them. They usually end up putting the F anyway of my personna including my DR. he such a sweetie) but hey thats just me and how I handle situation such as these

Just remember:
You are who you are... if looks like a duck, walks, talks, and thinks, like a duck....guess what it must be a duck!!

The most important questions are the unasked ones!
CHYNNA

[asiangurliee]

Thanks girls. I can actually pass (sometimes)  but i am still very conscious about myself and dont feel that i am a "real" female since i am not on "real" hormones. I know that i shouldn't care anymore and I dont. I am just going to be myself.