Hello to everyone!
My name is Brenda is I am twenty-two years old. I found these threads by looking through TS resources. From what I've read the community here seems so phenomenally amazing and nice, I really hope to make some good friends.
A little bit about me:
I have yet to begin transition, so I'm still very much stuck inside a male body. I am finding it very hard to find the courage to start. The only thing I have that keeps me sane is cross-dressing, but it is only a means to help me forget that I was born a boy. I currently live with my father and my brother, neither of which know about my GID. Although my brother has caught me dressed up so I am sure he is aware on some level. I'm so scared to take even one step in the right direction as I am afraid of the reactions I will receive from everyone around me. I am hoping that through talking to people on here I might be able to find the courage to begin getting my life on the right track. I honestly don't know where to start..
On top of all of this I live in what is considered a bible-belt here in Kentucky. I have yet to find one cross-dresser in this area. There are no nearby support groups or even therapists who have knowledge on the situation. People here are not too open-minded.
When I was younger I was constantly ridiculed. Even by my own siblings. They would call me "gay", or something similar. I still cannot tell you why they would call me that, but I guess it was more transparent to them. It didn't really click in my head until later that I actually was attracted to guys. I became a recluse to the outside world. I literally had zero friends throughout my adolescent and teenage years. I was a loner, and very quiet. I' was very shy, at least I use to be, I started kindergarten a year late as I was too shy. I would even stay in other rooms of my house when friends came to visit my parents or my brother/sister.
I started cross-dressing around fourteen or fifteen years old regularly. Whenever I was able I would wear my sister's underwear to school. That little bit helped me so much, despite the fact that I hated not being one of the girls. I wished so desperately every night for me to wake up a female. Lying down I would try to will it to be true. Desperate is barely the word...I asked God numerous times to just let me live one day as a woman, no matter what the consequence afterwords. But I never got my wish, instead I got more depressed and withdrawn. For a while I completely gave up the hope and reverted to this pathetic excuse for a guy.
During my Junior year of high school (17 years old at the time) I was diagnosed with Hodgin's Disease. A cancer of the lymph nodes. Not much is known about the disease. It usually occurs in guys around 17-24, and by the grace of God it is a very manageable cancer. After chemotherapy and radiation my cancer had gone in remission. And am still in remission today.
During the whole ordeal I stopped cross-dressing and even had a girlfriend. The relationship lasted six months. After that ended, and was I ever so glad for it to end, I went off to college; away from home. I even stayed with friends who I had come out as "gay" to. If I ever did come out to anyone it was only so far as to say I was sexually attracted to men. I never have told anyone about my GID. Except for you all here. So this is my first time letting it out. I even had a one-day fling with a guy while attending college. (I went to college for a Major in English, and a minor in writing) Anywho... This guy, his name was Brandon, was really nice and all. The reason it didn't last long was because, these are his words, he could only be in love with a woman and only had "fun" with guys... Needless to say it didn't bother me too much because I wasn't able to develop real feelings for him in our short time together. And I wasn't really searching for a sex partner so I decided to just let him go... Although I am genetically male my sex drive has always been low. Almost non-existent.
And also being with Brandon wasn't how my heart and soul wanted it. I felt like I was in the wrong body all along.
Even though I have a great family I am still so much alone in this world. I don't want very much out of life but to be happy and to live my life to the fullest, and most importantly to be healthy. I just want to be Brenda on the inside AND outside. I want to be Brenda but I don't know how to be. I'm between a rock and a hard place. Plus I want to fall in love with prince charming and have what I feel I need. A husband who I can share the rest of my life with.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read!
~Brenda <3
