Once again from far west texas

[LynnER]

Hi there everyone.... sorry but the avatar is way out of date.....  excuese me... its not even there anymore... I'll have to get a new pic... (edit)

Anyway... Im back... have a computer once again and I will show up anytime I have internet access.... (depending on friends, family and public ports for that one)

Im not oing to start form the beginning this time but its ben 8 or 9 months sence Ive last actualy been back on....  Thinsgs have gone from Great to bad to worse...

I know this is a sob story but....
          My fience and I were doing great... I was transitioning and it was going well.... I actualy looked atleast 5+ years younger than I am rather than 10+ years older.  I had a great job and I was moveing up quickly.....
          Thats when things went wrong.....  Rappid accent in a corporate situation makes higherups nervous, angry and fearfull....  I recieved advance notice that they were going to do anything in there power to get rid of me so I put in my two weeks notice...  I barely made it out in one piece... one more day and I would have been canned...
          A few weeks before I had stopped going to therepy for a while due to money issues and ran out of my perscription..... I had to go back to my old job as an HVAC tech so my fience convinsed me to stop my treatment alltogether because HVAC ment heavy lifting and I was looseing muscle mass fairly quickly.
        Things contunued as they had been but as the hormones worked there way out of my system... and I hadnt been on them long enough to do any perminant damage I regressed and became extreemly deppressed.... I made the mistake of not confideing in her as I did this at her request.... bad idea.
         this was like 6 months ago give or take.... In my depression I became self absorbed and didnt notice things going wrong with her untill it was too late....  before I couldread her like an open book but the pages were closed and chained shut and she wouldnt let me open them back up..... 
          Finaly, monday morning at 2:30am  she left me... "I still love you but Im nolonger inlove with you... how can I be inlove with you when Im starting to feel for someone else"....  I had a massive angsiety atack that had to be treated at the local hospital a few hours later... but the doctors and I thought I was calm enough to go home after the treatment....   boy were we wrong...
          I know the person and hes just like I used to be.... same life experiance... same height, build, hair, and eyes... just with out the crushing experiance 7 years ago and the gender issue....
          Once she was drunk and confided that what we had scared her.... she had never been with someone more that 2 weeks to a month with the exception to her first BF/fience..... and the further we progressed the more she loved me..... I think she may have convinced me to stop as sabotage to get out of the relationship.... but I cant be sure as this is rationalization and not confirmed fact.... but its what I think...
          Anyway tuesday she brought this new person over.... I hadnt even finished assimilateing that the relationship was over and she was allready warming the sheets with another body..... I lost it.... totaly.....  with my last concous thought I called the cops on myself and went outside before I did something stupid....
          For the first time in my life I had truly wished harm both upon another person and myself..... I blamed the new person... (called him a homewrecker though now I know hes just a vulture)  and I blamed myself....  I wanted him to hurt atleast a 10th as much as I did at the moment.....  Thank god I didnt act on impulse....  I also wanted to end myself right then and there.... I was allready stressed and depressed to my limit with out the breakup and the thoughtless act of my ex (fience)...
           I had a total nervous breakdown... was commited for the second time in my life but the first time deservingly....  Thankfuly I finaly came to my sences and managed to rationalize the situation and calm down... they only held me for two days and one night....
            Again Im sorry for this rant......  The doctors are requireing me to restart my theripy.... I have to find a new theripist as my old one is nolonger listed anywhere and the building occupied by someone else... and I have to find another endo... (dont want to drive so far to see the old one... specialy sence she gets the car...)
         
            Well.... thats the story minus the months of joy and wonder between my last introducton and this one....
           
               Lynn.....

[stephanie_craxford]

Lynn,

Firstly it is NOT a sob story and secondly you never have to say you are sorry for posting topics such as yours.  That's what Susan's is here for, we're here for you.

What can I say, if it wasn't for bad luck you would have no luck at all.  I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering that you have had to endure, but out of all this you still have one thing going for you and that is you.  I guess it's an easy statement to make from where I'm sitting but I would put all this behind me, remember the good times and try to pick up the pieces (as you are doing) and start a new.

Without transportation it will be hard to find the support you need and you would restricted to what is available close by, just remember that we have a lot of resources here that may be of help to you.  Check out the new and improved Links Section and see if there is anything there that can help.

Are you still in El Paso?  If so maybe we have members from there or near there who may be able to help.  If you have moved let us know your new location.

Are you still working? as that would be a key part of any restart.  I'm not that familiar with the health care system in the US, but it would seem that without cash or credit you won't be able to go forward.  However having said that I'm sure that there are members here who have found themselves in a similar situation who would be in a better position to advise you on this.

Remember Lynn that I'm always here is you need to talk along with the other members.

Steph

[LynnER]

Im still in El Paso.... Its been 7 years sence things went wrong and today Ive come full circle.... <lyrics> here I stand 7 years from the broken mirror, back where It started again... and with my bloody fingers I pick up what shards I can... now I can rebuild my life again"   Last time I was in a similar position I tred to rebuild on the ashes and rubble of my past self... shakey foundation....
          This time Ive finaly hit true rock bottom so I should be rebuilding from a better foundation.  Im quitting my current job.... I have enough money to last me a month or so... applying back at my customer service job and at a diffrent call center... both have classes starting the 12th of june.... I can continue my current job till then.  My boss is very understanding and is willing to give me a week PTO and all the back pay he owes me in support should I choose to leave now...   I dug up the info on a theripist recomended to me by someone from here both at susans and in El Paso last year.... hopefuly its still accurate.  Were a decent sized city but have a small town mentality and it seems most endo's in my area frown on the transgendered and refuse treatment... (but not our money)  things may have changed in the last year sence I last checked though.
            So far as the transportation goes I still have use of the car... just not for long road trips  *shrugs*
           Thanks for your support 

[Kimberly]

Damn..

^*HUG*

Well..

^*curtsey*

Ok, well, consider that you never truly live until you figure out how low things can get.

Hang in there Lynn, at least you have fewer things to worry about now.

Please remember we are here for support, company and even general socialization

(P.s. You have been missed.)

[stephanie_craxford]

Rock bottom.

That must be hell.  But as you said being able to rebuild on rock is better than ashes.  Make sure you clear all the rubble away from the foundation and toss it into the dumpster before you start to rebuild, it's a free service to those rebuilding their lives

I was in El Paso in 1985, I don't remember much except for a street names Lee Trevino Drive, and a bar that was in the middle of a dance floor.  The only hats that were allowed were cowboy hats.  I remember this as it was the first and last time that I got drunk on tequila , and that's probably the reason I don't remember much else.

On the endo thing.  While they are preferable for monitoring and prescribing HRT they are not essential.  A good MD can do as well.  Mine did, and I didn't turn out too bad.  So unless your doctor is requiring this, don't sweat it.

Steph

[LynnER]

Found a new theripist... actualy someone that was recomended by someone on the old forum here along time ago...  She was great.... we made allot of progress... and I have my new referal now so I can take the next step once again 

[HelenW]

Wow!

All the grief you've dealt with already and you're still kickin'!  Kudos to you, Lynn!

It seems you're getting up pretty quickly already, good luck and ReWelcome!

helen

[Robyn]

Best wishes, Lynn.  Catch your breath and start on the journey road again.  Hope you find a good gender therapist quickly.

Robyn