I don't know

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

Whenever I get into intellectual disscussions with those who are close to me, or desire to know what is really going on with me, it is only a matter of time before they ask, "why do you have to do this?".  Meaning transitioning my life and living as a woman. And I always give them all the standard answers.

But when I think back to the moment I knew for certain that I was a girl, I don't remember how I knew.  I knew something was wrong, but could not quite put my finger on it. At age nine I read an article about a transsexual and immediately knew that was the problem.

From that point on, I knew that I was a girl trapped in a boys body.  I am curious if others remember thier rationale for determining they were a gender different than thier bodies.  For me I remember knowing it immediately. The instant I learned what a transsexual was, I knew that was what I was. I just can not imagine how I knew. It became my truth, and still is today, which explains my presence here today. 

Even though I accept it as true, when others grill me about how I knew at such a young age, and I tell them "I don't know", it still bothers me.  I guess just because I can't be sure how I knew.  How are we sure we know anything?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Dennis]

I don't know either. I just knew. I knew before I knew the differences between boys and girls. I knew I was one of the boys and not one of the girls. When people took me for a boy, it felt right. What felt horribly wrong was having a female body develop. I don't remember my childhood being overly traumatic gender-wise. I just was a boy and was allowed to dress like one and play with boys toys and play sports with boys. It was when adolescence hit that I really felt like a fish out of water.

I remember being 5 and doing that show-me thing that kids do and the fact that my friend Terence had different parts did not at all affect my conviction that I was a boy and the rest of the world had it wrong. According to my mother, I fought being put in dresses from about the age of 2 or 3 onwards. And I do remember some horrific fights about it. I insisted on getting cars and guns for birthday and christmas presents (and did get them - yay parents), dressing like a cowboy, climbing trees, making go-karts, and building forts.

Whenever your gender awareness happens, it seems to happen long before you understand the differences between genders (as taught).

Dennis

[amberctm]

I just could never figure out why my sisters got to dress the way they did. I got cought wearing some of my sisters clothes when I was about 4-5. My mom walked in freaking out telling me that dad would not be at all happy if he cought me. I knew how I felt but I seemed to play the boy roll so well (as so many of us do) up untill about five years ago when I told my wife after we just had gotten married . But I would definatly say I was about four or five when I knew.
Amber

[jan c]

I always knew but did not want to know.
A pretty much identical thread to this one, in my attempt at an answer, caused me to remember this:
When my sister and I were little, we for some reason bathed together, I donno, to save water I guess.
Apparently we've differences, there's an innie, here's an outie. I discovered that I could sort of fold my protrusions up inside, and with some effort it'd stay.
That was a relief to me, I can distinctly recall. And a real bummer when it became gradually impossible to do.
You'd think that such a primary clue would've been something I didn't forget easily.
{I remember another one clearly enough: in 5th grade the teacher informed us that the seat we chose to inhabit that day would be the one for the school year. So picking seats/desks, I made SURE to surround myself with girls. I had never been too comfortable with the boys, and some of these by fifth grade were pretty rough.
(here's something precocious: the little girl that sat behind me that year once presented me with a stick drawing she just made, with the caption: "jc at work with girls", of me gabbing with and surrounded by girls. I felt kind of misunderstood.)}

I was aware of what a transsexual was from about the age of fourteen; it was always rather disturbing to me, I sort of took it personally you know.

[Kate]

From that point on, I knew that I was a girl trapped in a boys body.  I am curious if others remember thier rationale for determining they were a gender different than thier bodies.

That's tricky for me, as I can't say I've ever actually felt I *was* a girl. Not exactly anyway.

My parents and everyone around me told me I was a boy, and I had no reason to doubt them - any more than I doubted Santa Claus. However, I've *always* known I'd rather BE a girl. I liked to play with the neighborhood girls, and I can remember envying them - even at age 4-5.

The sensation of being "a woman trapped in a man's body" would be a valid deduction/metaphor for my feelings, but I can't say I have an indepenedent sensation that I AM a female. Nor do I feel I AM a guy though. I'm just "me."

So I never really did decide that my gender was different than my body. I just knew that, given a choice, I'd much, MUCH rather have been born female - and that feeling seems to have been present from birth, being uncovered as I learned that there WERE boys and girls (3-4ish).

[Jillieann Rose]

Wow your stories are allot different than mine.
As long as I can remember I have always loved doing anything to make others happy. So been a boy was something that my parents and society want me to be so I was. It was just this last year when things clicked (changed). I knew for years that I had two different mindsets (two ways of think about things). One would say go and the other stop. One would say yes and the other no. It has been very confusion for most of my many years (55 plus). 
Last year I decided that I would stop worry about what others though and would just be and do what I wanted. (Easier to say than do.) Everything began to quickly change. That is when I discovered that the one mindset was actually the way I have control myself and do what others would be pleased with act. The other mindset was actually the really me. As she begin to develop (and still is) I found that I am female not male.
So now I know that most of my former life was controlled by others; I was just acting and I'm real good at it.  I mad about all of those wasted years, I could have been so much more and it was my fault.
I am now determined to live the rest of my life as the person that I am and always should have been.
Now I do rememeber allot of clues that should have help me to see that I was really  a girl in a boys body. 

Jillieann 

[Annie Social]

How do you know that you like the color green? How do you know that your foot hurts, or that the sunset is beautiful?

When you lie awake at the age of 6 or 7, angry at the world because it won't let you be who you are, you know. When you wake up in the morning and run to the mirror in the hope that the huge mistake has magically been fixed during the night, you know.

And when, upon finally discovering that you can actually do something about it and become the person you know you've always been, you feel as if a knife has been removed from your heart, you know.

Annie

[Elizabeth]

Annie,

When you lie awake at the age of 6 or 7, angry at the world because it won't let you be who you are, you know. When you wake up in the morning and run to the mirror in the hope that the huge mistake has magically been fixed during the night, you know.

I clearly remember doing this same exact thing. I also prayed and asked god to "make me normal".  Those unanswered prayers led directly to me being an agnostic.  It made me feel very alone in the world.  In many ways, I still do. It is coming to places like this, and meeting all of you, that make me feel less alone in the world.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Nero]

Put beautifully, Annie.
Nero

[stacey]

I approached the subject a little different than what was posted previously.

It started off for me knowing what I wasn't.  I wasn't one of the boys, but physically I was.  I didn't enjoy most of the things that other boys were doing.  I also knew I wasn't one of the girls, physically speaking.  I enjoyed cooking, sewing, pretend and drawing, however, I still didn't fit in with the girls.  In the end, I became an outsider, which I still am to this day.  I knew I was different, but I didn't know exactly why.

It wasn't until the teens that I really figured it out.  When most of the boys would look at pictures of women and want to be with them.  I, on the otherhand, wanted to be the girl in the picture.  Thats when it really clicked for me, but I thought I was alone until I found the internet.

Stacey

[Elizabeth]

Stacy,

You post sounds like something I could have written. Long before I knew what the problem was, I knew there was a problem.

Love always,
Elizabeth