I used to feel ashamed

[Elizabeth]

Hello everyone,

I was just reading another post that was asking about where we come from, and where we are now and it made me think about something that I had forgot, but used to think about all the time.

Whenever I seen transsexuals on TV, which was my only real source to see them, it was always shock TV.  They were showing those forced into protitution or pornography.  They were showing those those that do the shows as female impersonators.  Because of this, it gave me the false perception that this would be my life if I were to transition. It was not until I met others like me online that I realized that, that was not the case at all.  I then came out of the closet.

But before I did, whenever I watched those shows, it made me feel ashamed.  I knew that I was no different than them, but I coped out and decided to play the role of a male, so I could have an easier life.  I can look back now and see how I should not have felt ashamed, but reading that post reminded me of that aweful feeling I would get when I was watching, thinking about who I was, and feeling this incredible amount of shame. Im my mind, I should have come out, that would make the numbers greater and the social pressures against us would diminish.  But that was assuming there were others like me.

In the end, I decided that there probably were not many like me. It was clear I was a coward, I was afraid of everything. Certainly most transsexuals were not like me.  I could see them, they were accepting all that society could heap on them, while telling the camera they could never go back to living as a man.  And it just really made me feel ashamed that I did not have the courage to come out and be with my sisters.

Of course, now I have met many like me, who tried to put it away, repress it and lived their lives as men, only to realize, just as I did, that there was a limit to how long they could do it.  I realize now that it is not the majority of our sisters that end up in pornography or prostitution, it is actually a minority.  I realize now that I did the best with what I had to work with.

I am just curious if others remember having similar feelings or how they delt with those kinds of issues?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[TheBattler]

Hi Elizabeth,

It was me who started a thread on where we have come from and you are rigth to say that we all should be happy with who we are. After my 'worries' a few weeks ago I decieded to just accept what I like and move on. Now I am a whole lot happier.
Alice

[jan c]

my first awarenesses of TS were in the early 1970's. There was a film, Myra Breckenridge, based on Gore Vidal's book; this was usually double-featured with Ed Wood's Glen or Glenda? and/or I believe there was some older film to do with Christina Jorgenson.
Around the same time, the local Newspaper in my home town, The Charlotte Observer, always had adverts for the local queer bar's trans- dancers on the movies/TV page. Heh.
This was a lot of information, albeit somewhat skewed/sensationalized, and in the latter case sexualized.

Then in 1979, this was a LOT to think about: electronic musician and composer Walter Carlos was one day Wendy Carlos on the new album. (turns out that for the last 7 yrs had been posing as Walter with fake sidies in drag). Speaking of 'others like me', there-U-have-it.
Around this time, my original gf of my bizarro-world adolescence started taking me to said bar, O'Leens, to check it out. Yeah still same scene... the proprietor preferred that the clientele used the restroom of the opposing gender, for one thing... for another turns out girl friend's a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- in a big way. (Uh HUHH! Put some things in Context!). Like she's saying something to me with the actions not the words. (and my relationship with this beast of a girl feminized me something terrific in the first place.)

And I always had the very clear vision, when I would, u know psychedelicize, of myself, as a female, and I mean full on. Et cetera...

So yes I felt a bit cowardly, given what I had to work with. At the same time I was considering a career as a performing classical soloist, and as bad as the tux I had to don so often made me feel, the option was unthinkable at that time.
The option of staying that way is unthinkable now.